Just like Alice

You know, as in Wonderland. You know what that story means to me? I think it's an allegory - Alice is the only sane person in a world where everyone is crazy, and nobody notices that it's all complete nonsense except Alice, who is always dismissed and pushed around. Like being a child in a world of adults, where everything they do is weirdly inscrutable and nobody listens to you and you just go and get acted upon and made to things that make no sense, because you're just a little kid.

Something like that, anyway.

Feel a little like Alice myself a lot of the time. Get pushed around, and everyone keeps trying to get me to do the stupid pointless things they do for no other reason than that they do it. It makes me feel tired. Frustrated. Want to scream and cry and bleed or just crawl into bed and lie there till I die. Needless to say feeling that way now. Going to go into detail maybe later.

Everybody wants what's best for me. But nobody seems to be able to figure out what that is. Despite my showing them. Over and over.

All ways are my way.

We're all mad here.

Malaise

That's the word I'm using to describe how I'm feeling these days. "Muh-laaaaise..." Sounds a little like melancholy and a little like lazy (and a little like mayonnaise) and that's me right about now - kinda saddish, kinda apathetic. I say "blah" and I sigh and I talk in monotone more than I'd like. I swear whenever I hear myself talk there's more than a tinge of my Uncle Reg's emotionally out-of-touch drone in there. Not a good sign.

Did I remember to elaborate on the whole betrayal thing and my family? I can't remember. Don't care to check. Well anyway it went something like about how the book says one type of little betrayal are people doing things they think are "for our own good" without permission or approval. And my family keeps doing that on a regular basis. It's annoying at best and terribly inconvenient (and sometimes physically painful) at worst. I think I'm someone that gives that impression, somehow, of needing others to plan my life for me, to "protect" me from... I don't know, everything, I guess. Am I weak? Bitter? Needy? Wishy-washy? Angry? What's coming off of me that people are picking up on?

Creating things, at least. Made a necklace out of buttons and wire for art class. Attached substitute D-rings (actually large safety pins) to back of thrift-shop prom dress and gave it a lace-up back that doesn't cause the bodice to slip. Playing video games again, with cousin. Knots in my neck are slowly popping and unkinking. Will Monday's quack hippie chiropractor session undo all this? Just have to wait and see...

White cat that I've been feeding lets me pet him all the time now. Rolls over and "squidges" around while I scratch around his ears. It's really funny and cute.

Some other things but I'm too tired to think of them right now.

Bad Me

Haven't posted anything for a while; so much for journaling, eh?

What's been going on...? Lots and yet not much. Almost no progress on my wares for the convention booth. And no money to buy the supplies with either (no job to give me money, and believe me I'm trying). Tired and spacing out a lot of the time. Not super depressed but worried as a creative thought has barely crossed my mind. Still crying every once in a while over Max - I'm so lame, aren't I? I sigh a lot. Also coughing a lot. That time of year I guess.

Grandma and uncle are trying to get me to see this new-age yuppie hippie chiropractor. Actually seen they guy twice and he's done nothing but make me uncomfortable, as his "technique" consists of waving his hands over me 25% of the time ('psychic healing waves,' he says) and the other 75% asking me uncomfortable personal questions about "traumas" in my life, which I am supposed to answer truthfully and in detail, never mind that he's not a psychologist (he does claim to be able to replace one however, despite lack of training). The guy basically charges a dollar a minute for his "treatment" (and that's on the 'discount' plan) and... I don't know. The guy practices "psychiatric" treatment without a license or education, and makes me sign a waiver saying I won't sue him for mishaps in such treatment, as I'm only supposed to be there to correct my posture, and the doctor himself signs as the witness on that waiver... of course I'm suspicious! Ironically thus far all the suspicions, as well as Grandma and Uncle Reg trying to justify this treatment (mainly by blaming my bad attitude) have actually worsened my muscle tension and ability to sleep. This whole thing is stupid.

Reading a book I borrowed from my therapist (the legitimate one). Discusses the subject of betrayal, how it makes us feel, what it looks like, how to avoid it in future. That sort of thing. Mainly she intended for me to see how it pertains to the whole thing with Rob but actually I noticed something else too - quite a lot of it also sounds like my own family and some of my friends. There's a part about smaller betrayals that may not seem to be so given their tiny scale, but can build up and kill self esteem over time. One of these things is through patronizing behavior or things done "for your own good." Hey, I thought, that sounds like my whole family. I mean look at this hippie chiropractor thing right now - not only are they making me see this guy despite my misgivings, for "problems" that don't actually bother me (such as sleeping late), but are also insisting that I am not able to get there by myself on the bus (which I already have once) - all upcoming appointments must be scheduled around my cousins or my uncle, who are also seeing this guy (in lieu of a real psychologist) so I can get a ride to and from the office, which is right on the bus line. I will have to leave the house two hours before my appointment and hang out at my cousins' part time job for an hour before I actually get to my destination (versus less than an hour on the bus). My grandmother is getting increasingly paranoid about my leaving the house. My uncle has begun hounding me via the telephone to try harder to get some results with his hippie witch doctor. I haven't made any new friends lately. I don't know if I can trust anybody anymore. I mean, I guess there are still people I feel I can trust, but the list just seems to be getting shorter.

My throat hurts and I feel like such a loser.

Something New Year

Can't say as yet whether I can call it "happy..."

Good news and bad news. On the down side, just found out that I actually am not signed up for any classes next semester at all, and the ones I thought I had signed up for are now full. My fault; been pretty absent minded and I guess I forgot to pay for them, though I remember putting the credit card info in and stuff... anyway, I may end up not taking classes at all this semester and having to explain that to my family after telling them that I'd signed up for classes already won't be very much fun. On the bright side, Bernice and my trip to the Big Island for the sakura viewing in Waimea looks like it's going to happen (Feb). Planning out an itinerary including restaurants, shopping, and visits to other attractions. I've never actually planned a whole trip before, it's kind of fun.

Daisuke was doing so well, but he's not 100% cured of his bed-wetting (I discovered this about an hour ago). I am worried about how he's going to take my going on vacation, since he's never had me gone even overnight before. I'd better cover my bed in plastic before I go.

Migraine yesterday. Nausea and headache and slept thru most of the day. Got up, ate a little, read a little, and then slept pretty early. Visit to the psychologist today. Didn't do my "homework" - an emotional exercise having to do with my bad experience with Rob - because of the migraine, so we discussed more present annoyances - my aunt, and the horrible Christmas dinner with the extended family, my parents, etc. Also got some recommendations from her for headache specialists and massage therapists, as I mentioned the migraines and tension thing.

So very tired and stiff all the time, it seems. And talking to my Gran on the big island, I realized that I actually am eating less because of my aunt and uncle's hogging all the kitchen space. Down to one small meal most days. Got a lecture about eating more. Not that easy to manage. It's not like they intend to feed anybody but themselves with all the food that's filling the fridge, freezer, cupboards, and counters. Gran assumed that they were cooking food for me, too.

Bought a shower curtain liner today. Don't know if I mentioned it, but Aunty Bev did a little redecorating by putting up a fabric mesh shower curtain sans liner. So we had this shower curtain that she insisted on keeping up, that didn't repel water. A little impractical, maybe? I brought that fact up with my grandmother, who pointed it out to my aunt (grandma had been wondering why the bathmat and floor were getting soaked) who said I was an idiot for showering with the head pointed forward, instead of pressed against the wall. Yeah. Anyway I put the liner in without asking or anything. I had a nice, normal, head-pointing-forward shower. I don't know what she thought of it but Aunty Bev hasn't said anything and would look like a moron if she took it down.

Ran outside to photograph some ducks (they'd moved so I missed the shot) and ran into Aunty Bev, who was doing her daily "weeding" in our yard (which is maintained by a yard man and is currently mostly flat and brown due to water shortages anyway, so I don't know what she's actually pulling up). She took the opportunity to complain about some "stuff" I had "spilled" in the yard that "wasn't disintegrating" and therefore making a mess. What is this toxic substance? Hay. You know, hay, as in dried grass. I had opened a bag of the rabbits' hay in the yard, and a handful had burst out. So I explained to her in my retail voice (ie. as if I'm speaking to a retard voice) that the "stuff" was hay, which is made of grass, and grass is biodegradable. But apparently after 24 hours it had not "disintegrated" fast enough for my aunt, so somehow that made it not biodegradable. She said regardless, it didn't belong there. Hay. Dried grass. 'Cause you know... grass... on a lawn...

...Duckes. Tomorrow I have to check the bridge to see if the ducks come back, and take a picture if they're there.

Otherwise not much else to report. Spent much of the day alone. Hung out in Ala Moana area since I was already there for my appointment. Ate lunch at Shirokiya by myself (breaded fried fish in that delicious sauce in bento from Usagi-ya). Checked out the new tea shop at the mall by myself, and bought some cute clearance pants (with plushy velvet ribbon bits!) at Hot Topic (all I ever seem to buy there is clearance pants). By myself. But it was kind of nice being alone. Especially after all these weeks of being sort of alone, but not really, with my aunt right next door in the next room, listening through the wall.

You know, my psychologist asked what Christmas was worse, this year, or last year (with the semi-awful store Christmas party featuring Rob trying not very hard to show off his fake underage girlfriend in front of me while every other guest was also a couple). Actually kind of a tough call, that one. Until it was brought up I didn't realize how many lousy, lonely Christmases I've had in recent years. Next year I think I'm going to make the best of it - embrace the bitterness and have a stingy, Scroogely holiday celebrating the irony. I think it'll be fun, a nice change, and not without a sense of humor of course. Well, that's a whole year off anyway.

Something reeks in my room. I think Daisuke has peed someplace he shouldn't, and he hasn't been drinking a lot of water so it's more pungent than usual. Sort of a beanish odor.

Febreze, then bed, if the pee spot on the blanket is dry.

Holyshit...!

I have recently discovered that apparently in one of my moods, I had put a link to my weblog on my IM info... feeling pretty paranoid right now; egh.

Worse, because I only really write when things are really bad.

Addendum

That's what I forgot. This feeling that I'm having. It's like... like the only things that get me motivated anymore are events that I am anticipating in the future, only when they actually happen I feel somehow disappointed. I don't know how this really relates to the previous post, but before the thought goes out of my head, I thought it'd be good to write it down.

Holiday Apathy

Wow, it's been ages hasn't it? Honestly it's because there's not a whole lot to report - just a lot of apathy here. Aunt's gone for the week, to go and impose on my other aunt, and I'm not cleaning the house up like grandma wants me to, in order to impress my aunt on her return, mainly because I know she won't be impressed at all anyway. Missing Max, whose birthday is tomorrow. Missing Rob and the store, because I've been thinking about Max (since his birthday is tomorrow) and as far as I'm concerned, he died shortly after Max did, plus I'm way behind in my anime viewing and manga reading, and that irks me. Otherwise been sleeping a lot (and getting scoldings and lectures about that), reading, and playing video games. Feeling tired a lot lately, and just totally not getting into the "holiday spirit." Daisuke pees on the bed less these days. It's colder and I wear a sweater to bed and an extra blanket. I find myself staring into space a lot. Crying on and off. Birth control pills aren't working properly as I keep forgetting to take them, and been bleeding a bit for a couple of weeks straight now. Stomach upsets too, and coughing. I don't feel very good at any given time of the day, unless I'm reading a good book or otherwise escaping into something. Daisuke likes to climb on my lap and be hugged, which is cute, but it doesn't do as much as I'd expect it to, to console me.

I don't know. I'm okayish, I guess.

And other things Chris does not particularly like

Daisuke is still peeing on me and my bed. Research into training says it is a simple matter of catching him in the act and picking him up and plopping him into the litterbox. But he's peeing on the bed to wake me up! Argh. And of course I can't go back to sleep afterward.

Concert thing where I have to perform for dance class is coming up. My relatives want to go and watch; so does Lance's friend Jordan, who it turns out is a music major and who I ran into en route to class. He'll probably bring Lance. Egh. I still don't even know what time I have to be there, because our only stage rehearsal will be on the day of the performance. We'll have less than an hour to figure out our placement, and the actual stage is smaller than the room we've been practicing in. This doesn't seem to me like it's going to be fun.

I am also apparently not allowed to sign up for any classes at Manoa because I haven't passed some kind of health clearance. I better not have to pay for a tuberculin shot that I know I don't need out of pocket. Speaking of which, I am almost but not quite out of cash for the month. Blah.

Grandma wants me to quit going to the gym. Says it's costing me too much money and is bad for my health. Is convinced that it's one of the causes of my "sleep problems." Which is defined as the fact that I regularly go to bed around 1 or 2 in the morning, and regularly wake up at noon. Basically it's a "problem" because it bothers her (and a couple other relatives), because they don't sleep that late, or get up that late, themselves. The complaint is that it's interfering with my ability to attend class (which starts in late afternoon) and my job which starts early in the morning and runs long hours, that I am supposed to be working hard on getting. The other complaint is that my sleep schedule is interfering with my ability to clear out my things from the house in order to placate my Auntie Bev who is supposedly not going to be staying here; also I am chastised for not having started making all the things I am planning to sell at the Con in April next year.

So I am supposed to do all these things during daylight hours (because staying up late is bad for my health and wastes electricity) and doing all this, in this way, is supposed to somehow make me less stressed out and less depressed. Am currently "healthfully" forcing myself into a "normal" sleep pattern using dubious acupressure bandages, herbal teas, and increasing dosages of melatonin and other pills. This combined with being peed on with the sunrise is getting me up early, true, and that in turn is getting me to bed early, although of course I feel like shit in all the hours in between, while I drink enough caffeinated soda to turn my pee funny colors in a constant attempt to keep awake. My eyeballs have not stopped aching for the last couple of days.

I am certain that I will come down with a cold in the very near future.