Caught!
Yes, caught! Grandma thought she'd ask me something since I'm usually up at 10:30 and found me not in bed, or anywhere in the house for that matter. But it turned out not so bad. First off, she wasn't mad, mainly somewhat concerned but assumed that I had been picked up by friends, and hadn't told her since I wouldn't want to wake her up (half true at any rate, not that I told her that). She was surprised when I appeared by myself and not in a car, which is what she was waiting up for. I explained that it was a nice bright night out and I was feeling down so I decided to take a walk to hopefully clear my head of all the depressing thoughts. I just ended up having to promise that I wouldn't go walking through the neighborhood by myself again, and she didn't know that it had already become something of a regular habit already. Guess I'll just take my walks later, like around midnight. I can't just give it up - it's good exercise, gets me tired enough to sleep sometimes, and the full moon's coming up - can't miss the scenery as a really bright full moon lets you see all the way to the ocean from up there!
What I'd actually done tonight was get "kidnapped" by Erin and Bernice; we went to Koko Marina and hung out for a bit, and they dropped me back at the church, where I sat on the wall and ate some saimin I picked up at Zippy's. Saw two semi-regular figures tonight - a skinny black cat that runs across the street near the church around 11 most nights (goes to and from the bushes in front of the house next door to Rob's and an SUV that parks across the street near a tree), and Rob's mom returning from Zippy's (the very one I bought saimin from earlier) with his brother after work. They stood out in front of the garage for a bit and stared and pointed at something either up in the sky or on the mountain to my left. I looked out in that direction but I didn't see anything unusual (the moon was awfully bright, but was in the other direction). Maybe they just don't stop to notice the stars very often, or maybe they were able to see into one of the other houses from that angle; I don't know. I felt sort of like an idiot, though, looking where they were pointing and not seeing anything - like when someone plays that sort of joke on you, although of course they weren't aware of me at all. Then I sort of had to pee, so after they went inside I started back home.
On the emotional front, still can't shake this depression, although it's a little better since my period is finishing up. Still feeling guilt and pity and affection and despair over Rob, and incomplete and sorrowful over Max; still finding myself crying (at least for shorter intervals, which I suppose could be construed as a plus) over their loss. And over all this, a sort of numbness, or a very dull ache bordering on it, as far as my feelings about myself go. Like their leaving tore out holes in the places that make me care about myself. I mean, I still do, it's not like I'm not eating or bathing or getting out of bed - at least, most of the time. And then I run into one of these "holes" and then I kind of... don't care at all, for a while. That's the best way I can explain it right now.
Windows just ran an update, and is prompting me to restart. I guess I should just end it here and let it do that, then.
What I'd actually done tonight was get "kidnapped" by Erin and Bernice; we went to Koko Marina and hung out for a bit, and they dropped me back at the church, where I sat on the wall and ate some saimin I picked up at Zippy's. Saw two semi-regular figures tonight - a skinny black cat that runs across the street near the church around 11 most nights (goes to and from the bushes in front of the house next door to Rob's and an SUV that parks across the street near a tree), and Rob's mom returning from Zippy's (the very one I bought saimin from earlier) with his brother after work. They stood out in front of the garage for a bit and stared and pointed at something either up in the sky or on the mountain to my left. I looked out in that direction but I didn't see anything unusual (the moon was awfully bright, but was in the other direction). Maybe they just don't stop to notice the stars very often, or maybe they were able to see into one of the other houses from that angle; I don't know. I felt sort of like an idiot, though, looking where they were pointing and not seeing anything - like when someone plays that sort of joke on you, although of course they weren't aware of me at all. Then I sort of had to pee, so after they went inside I started back home.
On the emotional front, still can't shake this depression, although it's a little better since my period is finishing up. Still feeling guilt and pity and affection and despair over Rob, and incomplete and sorrowful over Max; still finding myself crying (at least for shorter intervals, which I suppose could be construed as a plus) over their loss. And over all this, a sort of numbness, or a very dull ache bordering on it, as far as my feelings about myself go. Like their leaving tore out holes in the places that make me care about myself. I mean, I still do, it's not like I'm not eating or bathing or getting out of bed - at least, most of the time. And then I run into one of these "holes" and then I kind of... don't care at all, for a while. That's the best way I can explain it right now.
Windows just ran an update, and is prompting me to restart. I guess I should just end it here and let it do that, then.
posted by Chris at 1:27 AM
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