Days in Exile
So back into exile I go, on Rob's request this time. Started a little writing project. It's about as creative as I get these depressing days. Can't even escape by watching anime, since the days, times, and duration I'm allowed in the store have been drastically restricted. Otherwise I'm doing nothing - mostly sleeping. And that I'll have to do much less of in the near future, because too much of my family's worried and trying to "help" (at least I'm not taking Valium anymore, although I am mega-dosing on herbal sleep aids and pain meds). I figure I'll just set my alarm for whatever time makes everyone happy and just get by with less sleep and lots of stimulants. There I go, being passive-aggressive again.
By the way, what are your thoughts on telling others about your problems? I've frequently been told not to involve others by telling them anything, yet many people also keep asking me what's the matter. I used to be pretty sure on this one - my original opinion was that problems could be alleviated by sharing them, but except for the moment I am talking about my problem, I don't really feel better, and I don't think anybody's happy hearing me bitch all the time; I've even lost friends by telling them my problems like they asked me to. Which leads me to wonder... which is better? Or is there a happy medium that I can't see?
I'm really seriously considering just drugging myself into a semblance of normalcy. Just try and get on everything that's been suggested to me - sleep aids, anti-anxiety drugs, anti-obsessive drugs, anti-depressives, caffeine, spa treatments, acupuncture, alcohol - I've been generally against medicating myself into submission, but on the other hand I've never really tried; who knows, it might work. I just feel so bad being the way I am right now, and I'm burdening so many people with my problems. Right now what I find I'm wanting more and more is just to get everyone off my back, or get off the backs of others, with a quick fix, even if the fix is kind of half-assed. I just want to be able to do what everyone expects of me - get a job, clean up the stuff around the house, stop thinking about Rob, stop getting depressed over Max, be all cheerful in public like I used to be - if only so I'll stop feeling so pressured.
And if only everything else went away too - the restlessness, the fatigue, the insomnia, the confusion, the anxiety, the fear, the worry, the crying, the despair, the false hope, the real hope, the sad memories, the happy memories, the emptiness, the heaviness, the aches and pains, the affection, the dreams, the nightmares, the anger, the love, the hate, the grieving, the distractions, the logic, the intuition, EVERYTHING - I find myself wishing it was all gone, that nothing of me was left. It's not enough to wish to die, I wish to never exist. I don't want to be me anymore.
It's really a sad feeling, too, because I do like myself - it just feels as if the rest of the world doesn't. I should stop here, I really should, this is coming out sounding like a suicide note.
By the way, what are your thoughts on telling others about your problems? I've frequently been told not to involve others by telling them anything, yet many people also keep asking me what's the matter. I used to be pretty sure on this one - my original opinion was that problems could be alleviated by sharing them, but except for the moment I am talking about my problem, I don't really feel better, and I don't think anybody's happy hearing me bitch all the time; I've even lost friends by telling them my problems like they asked me to. Which leads me to wonder... which is better? Or is there a happy medium that I can't see?
I'm really seriously considering just drugging myself into a semblance of normalcy. Just try and get on everything that's been suggested to me - sleep aids, anti-anxiety drugs, anti-obsessive drugs, anti-depressives, caffeine, spa treatments, acupuncture, alcohol - I've been generally against medicating myself into submission, but on the other hand I've never really tried; who knows, it might work. I just feel so bad being the way I am right now, and I'm burdening so many people with my problems. Right now what I find I'm wanting more and more is just to get everyone off my back, or get off the backs of others, with a quick fix, even if the fix is kind of half-assed. I just want to be able to do what everyone expects of me - get a job, clean up the stuff around the house, stop thinking about Rob, stop getting depressed over Max, be all cheerful in public like I used to be - if only so I'll stop feeling so pressured.
And if only everything else went away too - the restlessness, the fatigue, the insomnia, the confusion, the anxiety, the fear, the worry, the crying, the despair, the false hope, the real hope, the sad memories, the happy memories, the emptiness, the heaviness, the aches and pains, the affection, the dreams, the nightmares, the anger, the love, the hate, the grieving, the distractions, the logic, the intuition, EVERYTHING - I find myself wishing it was all gone, that nothing of me was left. It's not enough to wish to die, I wish to never exist. I don't want to be me anymore.
It's really a sad feeling, too, because I do like myself - it just feels as if the rest of the world doesn't. I should stop here, I really should, this is coming out sounding like a suicide note.
posted by Chris at 11:36 PM
2 Comments:
Okay...first of all...stop thinking of medications as a "quick fix". Instead, think of it as an OPTION. If you've gotten to the point where you've tried everything else and nothing has worked so far, then there's no shame in exhausting all of your options...and wanting to feel better NOW. (Just uhh...don't take EVERYTHING at once...jeez.)
I know what it's like to be messed up on medications. I myself don't LIKE to be on medications...but at the very least, I can function again...and I feel like I finally have my GODDAM LIFE BACK. WOOHOO! I still wouldn't consider the meds a quick "fix" though...okay yes, it helped me feel better rather quickly, but my anxiety disorder is by no means "fixed". I just chose medications as the method to help me DEAL with my symptoms so I didn't completely waste my life away in a haze of pissy angsty-ness and depression. If I hadn't chosen to see a psychiatrist and gotten medications when I did, I probably would not have a job right now, I might have left Jason (or hurt him severely--physically...mentally...), and possibly even thrown myself off my apartment building ('cause I thought about doing that almost daily for no real logically sane reason).
Medications might help, but they won't "fix" you completely. YOU are the only one who can truly fix yourself. YOU have to choose what to do to make things in your life better. And if this thing or that thing doesn't work...then keep trying.
Oh...one more thing...the "normalicy" issue again. Getting a job and trying to support yourself isn't a "normal" thing to do...it's a RESPONSIBLE thing to do. Don't say it like it's a negative thing or something. =-_-= Normal...pshhhhh...who the heck is normal? If you ask me...I think everyone's a little weird. But hey...you can be weird and responsible and mature at the same time. I think...hehehehe...
Sorry, sorry. Angsting again. I'm on my period, which is why I think I'm not thinking so clearly.
Although I AM feeling really pressured to be... maybe the term isn't exactly "normal" but "normal by someone else's definition, and not what's normal for me." And with the holidays coming up that someone else would be my aunt. And my grandma. And my dad. And my uncle. They all want me sleeping certain hours, working at certain places, doing certain things in my free time and NOT WORRYING ABOUT ANYTHING.
I hope this actually IS more lucid and I'm not just thinking this. I'm bleeding less so hopefully it is.
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