Milli is sick

Yes, it is the one-month anniversary of Max's death, and no, I'm not kidding. She's sick. It's her stomach. She's got gas and bloating and she isn't eating or drinking much (unlike Max, she is active and eats a little bit). Still, you can see why I'd be worried. And this time, it probably is my fault, because she got to eat quite a lot of a slice of cheap Sacher torte last night (definition says it's supposed to have apricot jam, but this one just smelled like it had a lot of something alcoholic). So far I'm keeping an eye on her, and this morning she um, expelled a lot of gas and watery poops after I rubbed her tummy (since this involved picking her up and flipping her over, she's been grouchy all day). She seems to have gotten smushy poop all over the bottom of her feet and probably on her butt, too, so later I plan to give her a partial bath... when she's in a slightly better mood.

Okay, yes, I sound pretty optimistic, don't I? And I am definitely more optimistic than I was with Max, but still... after that day, I'm trying to keep it down, but I'm very worried.

Worry prompted me to write a postcard to Rob. It was something I had considered doing for a while anyway, but today especially I felt a need to talk to him, even if it was only a one-sided conversation on paper. As far as the situation with him goes, I'm starting to get... annoyed, I guess. Noo... that's not exactly the word I'm looking for, but I'm going to elaborate anyway.

Three things I value are being true to myself, being honest and open, and being happy when I can. And acting like Rob doesn't exist and avoiding anywhere that he might be and keeping that ridiculous agreement to not hang out at the store or talk to Lance or anyone that may potentially have a crush on me... obviously that is not being honest or true, and I certainly am not happy! It's just being sophomoric and unneccessarily masochistic. In a word, stupid. So I've decided, fuck that. I'm not going to continue this whole angsty-teen, emo-music-video-as-life act. I don't want to "get rid" of my feelings for Rob just because it makes him feel better - it doesn't make me feel better and they're mine anyway. And they've been changing. The last face to face discussion we had, if anything, lowered my expectations of him (dropped them all, really) but my affection remains the same, and it's as easy to forgive him as ever. So ironically I feel as if my feelings for him have if anything come even closer to "unconditional love."* Like, I'm starting to think that maybe this is something like how Max felt towards me - accepting, forgiving, trusting that that person will never intentionally hurt them, ready to help whenever they're ready, full of happy thoughts and memories of that person... um... other stuff too, but this is really a difficult feeling to describe. It's not entirely happy, but it's still a very nice feeling. Like... like something opening up, and radiating out... kind of thing... gah, I don't know. Anyway, I don't care anymore if he ever returns my affections anymore, but I'm not denying they exist and making myself miserable just 'cause he asked me to anymore. If I find someone else that I love more, I'll just shift my affection to them, but for now, fuck Rob and his issues, he's stuck with it.

Sister and brother are here for... something. I assume my brother's doing laundry again, and mooched a ride off my sister. Anyway, I better go. Will update on Milli later, after her bath.


* I don't believe humans are generally capable of true "unconditional love" but I guess after spending so much time around inspiring people like Max, Creampuff, and others like them (ie. non-human people) I have come to believe that one can get very close, with enough willpower, and other stuff.