Nevermind Everything

No more walks for me. At least not for a while. Grandma got up again and randomly decided to check on my room to find me missing... when was it? Last night? Feels like a long time ago. Also took a full dose of sleeping pills last night too so been feeling like crap (really tired crap) all day; that could be why. And my legs hurt, since when grandma called me to see where I had gone, I felt like I should rush home - and did. Running was never my strong suit. She apologized later for making me feel panicked and has decided to make my aunt stay at my uncle's house this year, because it's finally occurred to her that putting a "deadline" (my aunt's staying here during holidays) is probably not helping me any right now. But I'm still going to miss my late-night walks. Saw 2 kitties on my last walk - the cute one I mentioned before (still couldn't pet it but up close it's got a fluffy tail) and "my" white kitty that me and grandma are feeding. He saw me, recognized me and sat down and looked at me for a bit. We had a short conversation. He's getting pretty chubby now (I'm sure my neighbor in back also feeds him), but by the looks of it he's also getting into much fewer fights, which is good.

On the less upside - wait, that last paragraph wasn't exactly good news, either - I may have to disregard any effects of St. John's wort to my own hormones. The day I took the pills, I realized, was the same day my period ended. I could have just been feeling much better since all the extra depression had literally bled out of me by then. Now I'm settling into my usual state of depression... sigh. I'm still probably going to keep taking it; side effect is supposed to be sensitivity to bright lights and sunlight, which I already have anyway, so now at least I have an excuse for keeping myself vampirically pale. And on the very opposite of the upside, I had a minor run-in with Rob today - my sister wanted to eat salad, and as she's pretty picky about a "good" salad, we ended up at Laufer, which has got some of the best salads ever, and were seated near the window. I found myself thinking, what are the chances Rob will walk right by while I'm here? and sure enough, he did. Eye contact for a second, and then he walked by as fast as he could. Walked even faster on the way back. Don't flatter yourself; I'm just here because my sister wanted a salad for dinner. I would've smiled at you, or waved, if you hadn't looked at me like I was trying to kill you then, you know. On a slight tangent, I've not seen Rob's friend Blake at Laufer anymore. Last I'd heard he was up for a promotion, but he seems to have left. Wonder what happened.

So, yeah. Super tired today. Feeling exhausted and crappy from too much medication. Watched my Japanese drama and went to bed at 10:00, but obviously I didn't stay asleep. Too soon for me to start taking walks again, which is too bad, because it should be a nice bright night out. And my kitty may be walking around. And Rob would probably just be getting home around now and I'll run into him again... so, never mind.

I'm so without direction right now. No, wait. I have directions - they're pretty clear and everything and everyone around me is pointing at them. I guess it's more a motivation thing. Sucks to not be competitive or ambitious. You have to find something else that will get you going, make doing things worth it for you. I haven't found my "something" yet, or rather, lost my top two somethings (Max and Rob). This may take a while.