On being neither (or either? or both?)

Thought hit me upon waking up. Made me a little angry, and something else too but I can't think of what, exactly. Thought about being around my friends. My real friends, what's left after I've dumped all my shit on everyone else till they got sick of it and went away. Something still made me uncomfortable and I couldn't quite put my finger on it till the thought woke me up:

You're all mostly girls. (never really had mostly girl friends before, either been half guys or nobody at all)

and 2), somewhere along the way, I started turning into a woman. (mentally, personality-wise. of course I'm female, but feminine always seemed so alien to me. still does, hence this annoys me)

So this is all kind of new territory. Not entirely pleasant either - actually mostly not. Can't chalk things up to the whole Mars and Venus thing. Can't say that men are totally beyond my ken, and just leave it at that. Can't entirely relate to them anymore either. Something happened along the way and when I started turning into a girl, it's like pheromones or paranoia or something but now it seems like almost all of the guys out there are only nice to me because I'm "cute" or "pretty" or "hot" and basically they'll do anything with/for me as long as it lets them look at me and fantasize. And suddenly I still feel as if I can relate better to them than girls and certainly more of them share my interests but I can't trust them anymore. But girls - my friends aside, I can't really get them either. Or I sort of can, but I just can't pull off some of those behaviors convincingly - like the rolling the eyes and saying, "Men!" Oh, I have done that, but inside I'm thinking more along the lines of "Humans!" as I usually have. After all, whatever men do, women do too, and vice versa, in my experience. The execution is a little different but seems to me to amount to the same thing - it's all lying to themselves, they just don't use lies that correspond, so they dismiss the "incorrect" set of lies so that their lie looks more like the truth. Did that make sense? I mean, it seems to me that dismissing everything other as totally beyond one's ability to understand, so why try, is like any other kind of escape to me.

Of course, maybe I shouldn't be one to talk. In fact probably shouldn't. Like it or not, I'm human too, and here I am pretty much dismissing the entire species. I'll have to lie too, to get over all this. Find the lie that fits and convince myself that it's the truth. Oh, I'll say, I'm a woman, and men, I just can't understand them, ever, being a woman and all, so why trust them anymore? I should put them in their proper place. Eventually I'll believe it. Almost no male friends left anyway, so I should forget what I've seen or what I've heard from my guy friends - their species isn't supposed to form close friendships anyway, especially not with girls.

Maybe it sounds too black and white. I used to be black and white anyway. Then I started going all gray and androgynous and look where it's got me. And now it seems that I'm really just an average woman. That inside no matter how I thought I was, that's what I always was, all along, outside. That's all that was tangible, all that was real. Something like that. Just feels like I can't be what I thought was myself, anymore. I don't know. Reality just seems to be so mutable - and that disturbs me, I think.