Quite contrary

St. John's Wort. Took a pill tonight. Guess it's kicked in 'cause I'm in a much better mood than I have been in a... long, long time. When I noticed that I was actually feeling pretty happy, that my smiles were actually reaching all the way up into my eyes, I had to stop and - masochist that I am - start thinking of all the things that would depress me into tears. Only I didn't cry this time. Which I guess is sort of good, but sort of... I don't know, but I find myself almost wishing that I was sad again. At least enough to cry; it seems insulting in a way, not to be able to shed tears for the loss of those you care about most. You know what I mean?

Oh Rob, Max, I'm sorry I'm not crying over you... but I still really do love* you! Maybe I'll take the pills every other day, and cry for you on alternate days...

* Okay, in Rob's case, maybe the word "love" is not 100% accurate, but the word "like" is not intense enough. If there was a word in the English language that fell perfectly between "like" and "love," I would use it for Rob, but as there isn't... I'd rather use the same term I use for Max.

I'm also feeling unusually tired. Not fatigued or that heavy, numb feeling that comes with depression, but actually tired. Like eyelid-hurting, ready for bed tired. It's kind of a nice feeling after all the insomnia. Of course I still could lie awake all night, especially since I cried myself into a nap this afternoon.

Out late-ish with Erin, Jase, and Bernice tonight. Dim sum for dinner, and noodles. Still don't like cream buns (sorry Bernice, but on the plus side there's more for you!). Impulse purchases at Daiei, including two sets of cheap Japanese stationery - one ultra cute one with strawberries and Engrish, and another with a rabbit pattern which I realized is actually lined sideways for vertical Japanese writing (hmm... could be problematic). Don't know who I'll write to - maybe I'll send a short note and invite to Rob to a future full moon viewing on the church wall (he never objected to my sending him letters at home). Don't worry, I won't do this any time soon.

New and adorable discovery at Daiei - a small flock of doves (and one sparrow) hanging out in the pet supply aisle, eating birdseed out of a bag they'd torn open, and also dropped bits of dry cat food. They were just calmly perching on the shelves or "sale" signs, didn't even fly very far when we approached. You could hear dove calls coming from neighboring aisles. It's amazing how much they can adjust to living among human environments. The employees didn't even chase them out, and I think they must have set up nests someplace in the building, given how at ease they were in the supermarket.

Milli enjoys steamed cheese bread (which is really more like cake in consistency) very much. Now that she's allowed all her "no-no" foods, I realize how much she loves her baked goods with cream or cheese in them. Custard pie and cheesecake also get her very excited. She was climbing all over me for cheese bread and would stuff her face with as much as she could - I swear she didn't even breathe between bites! I'd feed it to her again just to get her on my lap - she's very warm on the lap, always radiated more heat than many other bunnies I've petted. (aww, she's gone all flat on the bed next to me, just now. she really is quite cute, although I can't say that I "love her more than anybody in the world" like Max, just yet)

Chatted on IM for a bit with Eric, from the 'Kon forum. Hadn't talked to him for a while. He's a good listener, or at least good at seeming like a good listener. I ought to learn from him. He actually knows the basic bits of the Rob drama. I told him some time back. He's been supportive and down to earth, which is always nice to have. I feel a lot better, for some reason, after talking to him today. I suppose part of it is that it's always nice to know that people still think of you when they haven't seen you in a while (I feel the same way when I see regulars from the store sometimes).

Milli is lying all stretched out on the bed and looking very comfortable (happily licking a spit-puddle onto the blanket). She's making me want to lie on the bed too...!