Just like Alice

You know, as in Wonderland. You know what that story means to me? I think it's an allegory - Alice is the only sane person in a world where everyone is crazy, and nobody notices that it's all complete nonsense except Alice, who is always dismissed and pushed around. Like being a child in a world of adults, where everything they do is weirdly inscrutable and nobody listens to you and you just go and get acted upon and made to things that make no sense, because you're just a little kid.

Something like that, anyway.

Feel a little like Alice myself a lot of the time. Get pushed around, and everyone keeps trying to get me to do the stupid pointless things they do for no other reason than that they do it. It makes me feel tired. Frustrated. Want to scream and cry and bleed or just crawl into bed and lie there till I die. Needless to say feeling that way now. Going to go into detail maybe later.

Everybody wants what's best for me. But nobody seems to be able to figure out what that is. Despite my showing them. Over and over.

All ways are my way.

We're all mad here.

Malaise

That's the word I'm using to describe how I'm feeling these days. "Muh-laaaaise..." Sounds a little like melancholy and a little like lazy (and a little like mayonnaise) and that's me right about now - kinda saddish, kinda apathetic. I say "blah" and I sigh and I talk in monotone more than I'd like. I swear whenever I hear myself talk there's more than a tinge of my Uncle Reg's emotionally out-of-touch drone in there. Not a good sign.

Did I remember to elaborate on the whole betrayal thing and my family? I can't remember. Don't care to check. Well anyway it went something like about how the book says one type of little betrayal are people doing things they think are "for our own good" without permission or approval. And my family keeps doing that on a regular basis. It's annoying at best and terribly inconvenient (and sometimes physically painful) at worst. I think I'm someone that gives that impression, somehow, of needing others to plan my life for me, to "protect" me from... I don't know, everything, I guess. Am I weak? Bitter? Needy? Wishy-washy? Angry? What's coming off of me that people are picking up on?

Creating things, at least. Made a necklace out of buttons and wire for art class. Attached substitute D-rings (actually large safety pins) to back of thrift-shop prom dress and gave it a lace-up back that doesn't cause the bodice to slip. Playing video games again, with cousin. Knots in my neck are slowly popping and unkinking. Will Monday's quack hippie chiropractor session undo all this? Just have to wait and see...

White cat that I've been feeding lets me pet him all the time now. Rolls over and "squidges" around while I scratch around his ears. It's really funny and cute.

Some other things but I'm too tired to think of them right now.

Bad Me

Haven't posted anything for a while; so much for journaling, eh?

What's been going on...? Lots and yet not much. Almost no progress on my wares for the convention booth. And no money to buy the supplies with either (no job to give me money, and believe me I'm trying). Tired and spacing out a lot of the time. Not super depressed but worried as a creative thought has barely crossed my mind. Still crying every once in a while over Max - I'm so lame, aren't I? I sigh a lot. Also coughing a lot. That time of year I guess.

Grandma and uncle are trying to get me to see this new-age yuppie hippie chiropractor. Actually seen they guy twice and he's done nothing but make me uncomfortable, as his "technique" consists of waving his hands over me 25% of the time ('psychic healing waves,' he says) and the other 75% asking me uncomfortable personal questions about "traumas" in my life, which I am supposed to answer truthfully and in detail, never mind that he's not a psychologist (he does claim to be able to replace one however, despite lack of training). The guy basically charges a dollar a minute for his "treatment" (and that's on the 'discount' plan) and... I don't know. The guy practices "psychiatric" treatment without a license or education, and makes me sign a waiver saying I won't sue him for mishaps in such treatment, as I'm only supposed to be there to correct my posture, and the doctor himself signs as the witness on that waiver... of course I'm suspicious! Ironically thus far all the suspicions, as well as Grandma and Uncle Reg trying to justify this treatment (mainly by blaming my bad attitude) have actually worsened my muscle tension and ability to sleep. This whole thing is stupid.

Reading a book I borrowed from my therapist (the legitimate one). Discusses the subject of betrayal, how it makes us feel, what it looks like, how to avoid it in future. That sort of thing. Mainly she intended for me to see how it pertains to the whole thing with Rob but actually I noticed something else too - quite a lot of it also sounds like my own family and some of my friends. There's a part about smaller betrayals that may not seem to be so given their tiny scale, but can build up and kill self esteem over time. One of these things is through patronizing behavior or things done "for your own good." Hey, I thought, that sounds like my whole family. I mean look at this hippie chiropractor thing right now - not only are they making me see this guy despite my misgivings, for "problems" that don't actually bother me (such as sleeping late), but are also insisting that I am not able to get there by myself on the bus (which I already have once) - all upcoming appointments must be scheduled around my cousins or my uncle, who are also seeing this guy (in lieu of a real psychologist) so I can get a ride to and from the office, which is right on the bus line. I will have to leave the house two hours before my appointment and hang out at my cousins' part time job for an hour before I actually get to my destination (versus less than an hour on the bus). My grandmother is getting increasingly paranoid about my leaving the house. My uncle has begun hounding me via the telephone to try harder to get some results with his hippie witch doctor. I haven't made any new friends lately. I don't know if I can trust anybody anymore. I mean, I guess there are still people I feel I can trust, but the list just seems to be getting shorter.

My throat hurts and I feel like such a loser.