angel in my head

Just like Alice

2006-02-20T23:07:00.000-10:00

You know, as in Wonderland. You know what that story means to me? I think it's an allegory - Alice is the only sane person in a world where everyone is crazy, and nobody notices that it's all complete nonsense except Alice, who is always dismissed and pushed around. Like being a child in a world of adults, where everything they do is weirdly inscrutable and nobody listens to you and you just go and get acted upon and made to things that make no sense, because you're just a little kid.

Something like that, anyway.

Feel a little like Alice myself a lot of the time. Get pushed around, and everyone keeps trying to get me to do the stupid pointless things they do for no other reason than that they do it. It makes me feel tired. Frustrated. Want to scream and cry and bleed or just crawl into bed and lie there till I die. Needless to say feeling that way now. Going to go into detail maybe later.

Everybody wants what's best for me. But nobody seems to be able to figure out what that is. Despite my showing them. Over and over.

All ways are my way.

We're all mad here.

Malaise

2006-02-19T01:46:00.000-10:00

That's the word I'm using to describe how I'm feeling these days. "Muh-laaaaise..." Sounds a little like melancholy and a little like lazy (and a little like mayonnaise) and that's me right about now - kinda saddish, kinda apathetic. I say "blah" and I sigh and I talk in monotone more than I'd like. I swear whenever I hear myself talk there's more than a tinge of my Uncle Reg's emotionally out-of-touch drone in there. Not a good sign.

Did I remember to elaborate on the whole betrayal thing and my family? I can't remember. Don't care to check. Well anyway it went something like about how the book says one type of little betrayal are people doing things they think are "for our own good" without permission or approval. And my family keeps doing that on a regular basis. It's annoying at best and terribly inconvenient (and sometimes physically painful) at worst. I think I'm someone that gives that impression, somehow, of needing others to plan my life for me, to "protect" me from... I don't know, everything, I guess. Am I weak? Bitter? Needy? Wishy-washy? Angry? What's coming off of me that people are picking up on?

Creating things, at least. Made a necklace out of buttons and wire for art class. Attached substitute D-rings (actually large safety pins) to back of thrift-shop prom dress and gave it a lace-up back that doesn't cause the bodice to slip. Playing video games again, with cousin. Knots in my neck are slowly popping and unkinking. Will Monday's quack hippie chiropractor session undo all this? Just have to wait and see...

White cat that I've been feeding lets me pet him all the time now. Rolls over and "squidges" around while I scratch around his ears. It's really funny and cute.

Some other things but I'm too tired to think of them right now.

Bad Me

2006-02-15T14:28:00.000-10:00

Haven't posted anything for a while; so much for journaling, eh?

What's been going on...? Lots and yet not much. Almost no progress on my wares for the convention booth. And no money to buy the supplies with either (no job to give me money, and believe me I'm trying). Tired and spacing out a lot of the time. Not super depressed but worried as a creative thought has barely crossed my mind. Still crying every once in a while over Max - I'm so lame, aren't I? I sigh a lot. Also coughing a lot. That time of year I guess.

Grandma and uncle are trying to get me to see this new-age yuppie hippie chiropractor. Actually seen they guy twice and he's done nothing but make me uncomfortable, as his "technique" consists of waving his hands over me 25% of the time ('psychic healing waves,' he says) and the other 75% asking me uncomfortable personal questions about "traumas" in my life, which I am supposed to answer truthfully and in detail, never mind that he's not a psychologist (he does claim to be able to replace one however, despite lack of training). The guy basically charges a dollar a minute for his "treatment" (and that's on the 'discount' plan) and... I don't know. The guy practices "psychiatric" treatment without a license or education, and makes me sign a waiver saying I won't sue him for mishaps in such treatment, as I'm only supposed to be there to correct my posture, and the doctor himself signs as the witness on that waiver... of course I'm suspicious! Ironically thus far all the suspicions, as well as Grandma and Uncle Reg trying to justify this treatment (mainly by blaming my bad attitude) have actually worsened my muscle tension and ability to sleep. This whole thing is stupid.

Reading a book I borrowed from my therapist (the legitimate one). Discusses the subject of betrayal, how it makes us feel, what it looks like, how to avoid it in future. That sort of thing. Mainly she intended for me to see how it pertains to the whole thing with Rob but actually I noticed something else too - quite a lot of it also sounds like my own family and some of my friends. There's a part about smaller betrayals that may not seem to be so given their tiny scale, but can build up and kill self esteem over time. One of these things is through patronizing behavior or things done "for your own good." Hey, I thought, that sounds like my whole family. I mean look at this hippie chiropractor thing right now - not only are they making me see this guy despite my misgivings, for "problems" that don't actually bother me (such as sleeping late), but are also insisting that I am not able to get there by myself on the bus (which I already have once) - all upcoming appointments must be scheduled around my cousins or my uncle, who are also seeing this guy (in lieu of a real psychologist) so I can get a ride to and from the office, which is right on the bus line. I will have to leave the house two hours before my appointment and hang out at my cousins' part time job for an hour before I actually get to my destination (versus less than an hour on the bus). My grandmother is getting increasingly paranoid about my leaving the house. My uncle has begun hounding me via the telephone to try harder to get some results with his hippie witch doctor. I haven't made any new friends lately. I don't know if I can trust anybody anymore. I mean, I guess there are still people I feel I can trust, but the list just seems to be getting shorter.

My throat hurts and I feel like such a loser.

Something New Year

2006-01-04T02:13:00.000-10:00

Can't say as yet whether I can call it "happy..."

Good news and bad news. On the down side, just found out that I actually am not signed up for any classes next semester at all, and the ones I thought I had signed up for are now full. My fault; been pretty absent minded and I guess I forgot to pay for them, though I remember putting the credit card info in and stuff... anyway, I may end up not taking classes at all this semester and having to explain that to my family after telling them that I'd signed up for classes already won't be very much fun. On the bright side, Bernice and my trip to the Big Island for the sakura viewing in Waimea looks like it's going to happen (Feb). Planning out an itinerary including restaurants, shopping, and visits to other attractions. I've never actually planned a whole trip before, it's kind of fun.

Daisuke was doing so well, but he's not 100% cured of his bed-wetting (I discovered this about an hour ago). I am worried about how he's going to take my going on vacation, since he's never had me gone even overnight before. I'd better cover my bed in plastic before I go.

Migraine yesterday. Nausea and headache and slept thru most of the day. Got up, ate a little, read a little, and then slept pretty early. Visit to the psychologist today. Didn't do my "homework" - an emotional exercise having to do with my bad experience with Rob - because of the migraine, so we discussed more present annoyances - my aunt, and the horrible Christmas dinner with the extended family, my parents, etc. Also got some recommendations from her for headache specialists and massage therapists, as I mentioned the migraines and tension thing.

So very tired and stiff all the time, it seems. And talking to my Gran on the big island, I realized that I actually am eating less because of my aunt and uncle's hogging all the kitchen space. Down to one small meal most days. Got a lecture about eating more. Not that easy to manage. It's not like they intend to feed anybody but themselves with all the food that's filling the fridge, freezer, cupboards, and counters. Gran assumed that they were cooking food for me, too.

Bought a shower curtain liner today. Don't know if I mentioned it, but Aunty Bev did a little redecorating by putting up a fabric mesh shower curtain sans liner. So we had this shower curtain that she insisted on keeping up, that didn't repel water. A little impractical, maybe? I brought that fact up with my grandmother, who pointed it out to my aunt (grandma had been wondering why the bathmat and floor were getting soaked) who said I was an idiot for showering with the head pointed forward, instead of pressed against the wall. Yeah. Anyway I put the liner in without asking or anything. I had a nice, normal, head-pointing-forward shower. I don't know what she thought of it but Aunty Bev hasn't said anything and would look like a moron if she took it down.

Ran outside to photograph some ducks (they'd moved so I missed the shot) and ran into Aunty Bev, who was doing her daily "weeding" in our yard (which is maintained by a yard man and is currently mostly flat and brown due to water shortages anyway, so I don't know what she's actually pulling up). She took the opportunity to complain about some "stuff" I had "spilled" in the yard that "wasn't disintegrating" and therefore making a mess. What is this toxic substance? Hay. You know, hay, as in dried grass. I had opened a bag of the rabbits' hay in the yard, and a handful had burst out. So I explained to her in my retail voice (ie. as if I'm speaking to a retard voice) that the "stuff" was hay, which is made of grass, and grass is biodegradable. But apparently after 24 hours it had not "disintegrated" fast enough for my aunt, so somehow that made it not biodegradable. She said regardless, it didn't belong there. Hay. Dried grass. 'Cause you know... grass... on a lawn...

...Duckes. Tomorrow I have to check the bridge to see if the ducks come back, and take a picture if they're there.

Otherwise not much else to report. Spent much of the day alone. Hung out in Ala Moana area since I was already there for my appointment. Ate lunch at Shirokiya by myself (breaded fried fish in that delicious sauce in bento from Usagi-ya). Checked out the new tea shop at the mall by myself, and bought some cute clearance pants (with plushy velvet ribbon bits!) at Hot Topic (all I ever seem to buy there is clearance pants). By myself. But it was kind of nice being alone. Especially after all these weeks of being sort of alone, but not really, with my aunt right next door in the next room, listening through the wall.

You know, my psychologist asked what Christmas was worse, this year, or last year (with the semi-awful store Christmas party featuring Rob trying not very hard to show off his fake underage girlfriend in front of me while every other guest was also a couple). Actually kind of a tough call, that one. Until it was brought up I didn't realize how many lousy, lonely Christmases I've had in recent years. Next year I think I'm going to make the best of it - embrace the bitterness and have a stingy, Scroogely holiday celebrating the irony. I think it'll be fun, a nice change, and not without a sense of humor of course. Well, that's a whole year off anyway.

Something reeks in my room. I think Daisuke has peed someplace he shouldn't, and he hasn't been drinking a lot of water so it's more pungent than usual. Sort of a beanish odor.

Febreze, then bed, if the pee spot on the blanket is dry.

Holyshit...!

2005-12-26T01:47:00.000-10:00

I have recently discovered that apparently in one of my moods, I had put a link to my weblog on my IM info... feeling pretty paranoid right now; egh.

Worse, because I only really write when things are really bad.

Addendum

2005-12-21T00:42:00.000-10:00

That's what I forgot. This feeling that I'm having. It's like... like the only things that get me motivated anymore are events that I am anticipating in the future, only when they actually happen I feel somehow disappointed. I don't know how this really relates to the previous post, but before the thought goes out of my head, I thought it'd be good to write it down.

Holiday Apathy

2005-12-21T00:12:00.000-10:00

Wow, it's been ages hasn't it? Honestly it's because there's not a whole lot to report - just a lot of apathy here. Aunt's gone for the week, to go and impose on my other aunt, and I'm not cleaning the house up like grandma wants me to, in order to impress my aunt on her return, mainly because I know she won't be impressed at all anyway. Missing Max, whose birthday is tomorrow. Missing Rob and the store, because I've been thinking about Max (since his birthday is tomorrow) and as far as I'm concerned, he died shortly after Max did, plus I'm way behind in my anime viewing and manga reading, and that irks me. Otherwise been sleeping a lot (and getting scoldings and lectures about that), reading, and playing video games. Feeling tired a lot lately, and just totally not getting into the "holiday spirit." Daisuke pees on the bed less these days. It's colder and I wear a sweater to bed and an extra blanket. I find myself staring into space a lot. Crying on and off. Birth control pills aren't working properly as I keep forgetting to take them, and been bleeding a bit for a couple of weeks straight now. Stomach upsets too, and coughing. I don't feel very good at any given time of the day, unless I'm reading a good book or otherwise escaping into something. Daisuke likes to climb on my lap and be hugged, which is cute, but it doesn't do as much as I'd expect it to, to console me.

I don't know. I'm okayish, I guess.

And other things Chris does not particularly like

2005-11-28T08:45:00.000-10:00

Daisuke is still peeing on me and my bed. Research into training says it is a simple matter of catching him in the act and picking him up and plopping him into the litterbox. But he's peeing on the bed to wake me up! Argh. And of course I can't go back to sleep afterward.

Concert thing where I have to perform for dance class is coming up. My relatives want to go and watch; so does Lance's friend Jordan, who it turns out is a music major and who I ran into en route to class. He'll probably bring Lance. Egh. I still don't even know what time I have to be there, because our only stage rehearsal will be on the day of the performance. We'll have less than an hour to figure out our placement, and the actual stage is smaller than the room we've been practicing in. This doesn't seem to me like it's going to be fun.

I am also apparently not allowed to sign up for any classes at Manoa because I haven't passed some kind of health clearance. I better not have to pay for a tuberculin shot that I know I don't need out of pocket. Speaking of which, I am almost but not quite out of cash for the month. Blah.

Grandma wants me to quit going to the gym. Says it's costing me too much money and is bad for my health. Is convinced that it's one of the causes of my "sleep problems." Which is defined as the fact that I regularly go to bed around 1 or 2 in the morning, and regularly wake up at noon. Basically it's a "problem" because it bothers her (and a couple other relatives), because they don't sleep that late, or get up that late, themselves. The complaint is that it's interfering with my ability to attend class (which starts in late afternoon) and my job which starts early in the morning and runs long hours, that I am supposed to be working hard on getting. The other complaint is that my sleep schedule is interfering with my ability to clear out my things from the house in order to placate my Auntie Bev who is supposedly not going to be staying here; also I am chastised for not having started making all the things I am planning to sell at the Con in April next year.

So I am supposed to do all these things during daylight hours (because staying up late is bad for my health and wastes electricity) and doing all this, in this way, is supposed to somehow make me less stressed out and less depressed. Am currently "healthfully" forcing myself into a "normal" sleep pattern using dubious acupressure bandages, herbal teas, and increasing dosages of melatonin and other pills. This combined with being peed on with the sunrise is getting me up early, true, and that in turn is getting me to bed early, although of course I feel like shit in all the hours in between, while I drink enough caffeinated soda to turn my pee funny colors in a constant attempt to keep awake. My eyeballs have not stopped aching for the last couple of days.

I am certain that I will come down with a cold in the very near future.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T00:57:00.000-10:00

Why so it is. Sort of sneaked up on me this year. I'm so used to it being a couple days later, but I hadn't noticed that the month ends on a Wednesday this year. So it's amazing that I even managed to get anything done for it (mashed potatoes and a dessert).

Not going to be that great of a Thanksgiving anyway. Me and siblings are stuck out here, with Dad, and his take-out dinners which really isn't so bad, since I'm satisfied so long as anyone but me is doing the cooking (my mom called to try and convince me that I should roast a goddamn turkey). My sister hates what's not the usual warm and traditional potluck food orgy that goes with Thanksgiving with mom and her side of the family, and my brother just hates my dad. So... egh, it's probably going to be uncomfortable at best, but at least I have baked sour cream and onion mashed potatoes and sugar-crusted pumpkin spice cake. Can't say I didn't do anything special for dinner.

Got stuff to do in the coming days. All kinds of stuff. Okay, I'm mainly just writing this so I can remember it; feel free to not read or whatever if you want. Sister and I are going shopping on Black Friday - I have little money and already sort of figured out what to get the few people I am actually spending for already (or already bought the gifts) so am mainly going for company and maybe if I'm lucky I can find a jacket or something that will make my "Gothic Lolita" outfit for the upcoming tea party on the 3rd (the outfit I had in mind isn't going to come together in time so I need a last minute alternate using whatever I've got). The 4th is going to be the day I have to perform for my Japanese dance class - ugh. At least I'm not dead center or anything. Sometime between this weekend and the next, we're taking my brother out to dinner for his birthday, and I still have to finish more room-cleaning and get to ordering my art supplies for the stuff I'm going to sell at the Con (after I stop off at all the local craft stores to find what I can here).

God damnit, I need more money. I suppose I should add job hunting to the list. Family's been getting on my case to get a job.

Okay, something in this room smells like bunny pee. I have to go figure out what it is (not the bed, fortunately).

P.S. Have been noticing that this is becoming less and less unusual - dramatic I guess is the word - and more like any other boring-ass blog out there. Good, I guess?

Cramps (no, not there)

2005-11-19T02:19:00.000-10:00

Up late again. Up early this morning though - not willingly. Turned over in bed after feeding the bunnies and suddenly my left shoulder seizes up and this pain shoots through it - unusual since my shoulders are normally tense but have never cramped up before. And it HURT. Pulled everything around it down and I spent the whole day and evening slouched forward, because I couldn't tilt my head up up at a normal angle, plus the left shoulder was forced into a forward hunch by the cramped muscle. It's still pretty bad, although at least I'm not slouching as much (neck is better, shoulder is still offset). Massaged and applied heat and took a hot shower and I guess it's sort of better, although the muscles are still cramped some and after all the rough treatment now it feels bruised. Also, lying down is somewhat painful (that's why I'm still up).

On the plus side, Daisuke hasn't peed on the bed all day, even if he ended up hanging out on it while I was busy tending to my shoulder. I petted him and gave him chocolate.

Still wondering where my button press is. It's been about a week since they claimed to have sent the replacement out. This is getting annoying. I wouldn't mind so much but the thing was expensive too. Also I was really looking forward to making some little easy things like buttons to sell during the Con. Speaking of which, am also looking through my bead books for nice projects (bunny rings, definitely) and art supply catalogs and stuff. Trying to figure out costs and what prices to set things at.

Cleaning my room has officially begun. Cleared out a lot of clothes (didn't get a chance to put the keepers back into my drawers as the shoulder cramp has interfered). I noticed a lot of perfectly nice clothes (mainly t-shirts) that I almost would keep if not for the fact that I have no room, and would like to somewhat revamp my wardrobe after all the shittiness of the past few months. I kept looking at them thinking, "so and so from the Con forum would be into this," and thought maybe I ought to have a garage sale at the Con too - I don't think I could have it in the art room but maybe I can sell my stuff out of my hotel room or something. I'd like for my nice anime/geek clothes to go to good homes.

Aaargh, too much to do again; new things keep popping into my head in no chronological order. Need to get sorted out. Tired. Very very achy. Definitely getting a massage therapist is one of the top items on my list. Am also pretty excited about the Gothic Lolita tea party with the Con forum folks - it's at this interesting looking tea room downtown that I'd wanted to try out, and there are some cool people that I know of planning to attend. This is two weeks from now. Also need to plan my outfit - it's nice to have an excuse to dress up; haven't had one in a long time. Which reminds me, have to fix up my goth loli dress that I had in my closet (sleeves need adjustments that I think I can manage) and find whatever else I need that'd go with that and... aaargh too much thinking! Have to get some sleep so my muscles can knit properly!

Goodnight.

Up late doing laundry, again

2005-11-13T23:41:00.000-10:00

Bunny is named Daisuke (after main character in DNAngel, who he reminds me of a bit for some reason). He pees on the bed a lot. I have to keep watching him and if I don't catch him I end up doing a lot of laundry, because his pee stinks and I can't sleep on a bed soaked with cleaning solutions anyway, even if it doesn't smell. Have not slept very well lately as a result.

As for other bunny, I do still feel bad for not giving him a nice home with friends. As he is probably the less adoptable of the two I asked that they call me if they run out of space and have to move or euthanize him (if more bunnies than cages come in and he is not adopted yet) and I will take him. Grandma prefers I not have three bunnies but totally understands my motivation for this and if it's the only option she's mostly okay with it (she says she'll pray he gets adopted though).

Still waiting for my button press. Am a little worried about the mail. They said they sent it on the 11th of October, but are going to send me a second one as inquiries to post office have gotten nowhere. They trust I will return a duplicate shipment if I receive one - that was pretty nice of them. Mail is slow lately anyway - my Amazon order came in late too.

Still crying over Max at random-ish times. Called Humane Society about their pet grieving group sessions but have not gotten a call back - stupid automated answering machine thing. I still miss him a lot, though.Reading this book, sorta, but not page-by-page (it's written in 'girly-mag' format, with no entry longer than two pages, so I can open it to any random page and not miss anything, a fact that's magically simultaneously convenient and mildly insulting to my intelligence). Also read this book, which has nothing to do with relationship help and everything to do with being pretty awesome. Like Vampire: Victorian Age in the world of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. And they even make fun of goths in it.

Oh, so back to He's Just Not That Into You and something I'm wondering about and some current events: so the book says that any guy who gives a girl his phone number instead of asking for hers first is not into her. Which is my case is good, right? Or not? See, I ran into this guy I knew from the store and he gave me his number. And then I ran into this other guy from the store, and he also gave me his number. And I ran into a friend from Hilo and he also gave me his number. So I'm wondering if it's okay to call them and hang out or not, because I'm not interested in them in that way and they aren't either, right? This being single thing is problematic now, because I still get along with most guys better than most girls, but now I can't trust their motives - am I missing out on a potential good friend or are they only being nice to me because they want to get me in the sack? It sucks to not be able to trust people, but oh well. Maybe for now I should just not make any new friends, until I can figure this out.

Going to finish up now. Laundry should be ready to put in the dryer and I have to do that fast before Daisuke can go pee on the bed again.

New bunny for Milli

2005-11-07T00:02:00.000-10:00

He comes home Tuesday. One of two eligible bachelors at the Humane Society. All three of them got along and made a very cute group as they're all marked the same (brown spots) but I couldn't take them both with me - the attentive, confident, curious boy with almost identical features to Milli didn't make the cut, although Milli and I liked him. He wasn't very good with being handled and smelled a bit (same scent gland B.O. problem as Milli too). I hope he gets adopted and goes to a good home. I wish I could have taken him. They were all so cute, Milli and her two suitors cuddling together (Milli in the middle) in her carrier.

Anyway, the lucky boy that I adopted is younger; possibly less than a year old, so he may still get bigger. He didn't seem interested in me very much at all, but he liked Milli and everybody else who met him adored him. He's the kind of rabbit people look for when they think of getting a rabbit - a live stuffed toy. He just sort of lies passively while you carry him around. I thought I had some good names, but they don't seem right in retrospect. I have no idea what I'm going to call him. I had ideas for the other one, but he was the type that was easy to name - full of personality. This guy... I guess I'm having a hard time because there's so little to him that I know of so far. Maybe after he comes home I can get some ideas.

Good luck to "Polka Dot," the boy I couldn't take with me (I would have named you Spike). I hope you find a good home soon.

I'd post a photo of the one I am bringing home, but he hadn't been photographed yet as of his adoption. He has brown spots but shares no other features (such as facial features) with Milli. Is very passive, submissive, and can be carried around like a doll. I'm trying to keep to the theme I had with Milli and Max's names; that is, anime/comic book character names, of 2 syllables or less, preferably something that mostly sounds like a "normal" name, like something you wouldn't be embarrassed to name a human. Preferably a namesake sharing some trait of his, and one that I know of. Any suggestions?

Distractions, distractions

2005-11-03T00:34:00.000-10:00

DVDs, video games, fantasy novels, art supply catalogs, Christmas shopping, visits to the Humane Society, wondering about getting another bunny, thinking about cleaning my room, bookshelves sitting in the patio, comic books at Barnes & Noble, self-help books, ice cream, trips to the gym, extra sleep, no sleep, silver clay certification classes, revamping my wardrobe, TV, movies, lucid nightmares, talking to myself, talking to Max (which amounts to the same thing), pain meds, vitamin supplements, medicated plasters, band-aids, Neosporin, pasta, eating out, packing and repacking my backpack, buying a new CD, downloading MP3s, looking things up on the Internet, failed attempts at cutting myself, cleaning my boots, cutting my nails, burning CDs, clearing my desk and then messing it up again when I misplaced something, newspaper, magazines, talking on the phone, my siblings, my grandmother, my therapist, my friends, my bunny.

If I keep myself distracted and doing something, maybe I'll stop caring. About everything. I think it's starting to work.

My inner child has to die

2005-10-27T02:09:00.000-10:00

Or something like that. I mean, she can be so cute, and optimistic, and trusting, and innocent, and always trying to see the good in things... and that's why she has to go. This isn't the place for her. All children, save one, grow up, and he doesn't live in this world anyway. She isn't, for lack of a better word, real. I decided long ago to make myself that way and I've come to the decision that I should unmake it. It's all a delusion, and it's keeping me from getting over things. Idealistic, childish bullshit. Forgiveness... have you read the definition of the word? She thinks it's entirely possible and easy to do if you just imagine being in the other person's shoes (and of course assume that the other person is inherently good). I don't think it's possible, not anymore. An excuse, to pretend that I'm not angry. Because I want to think that I'm so damn good, so pure, that I can forgive any abuse. Idiocy. There are things you can't ever forgive. All you can do is forget, and when it's forgotten, it's gone, and hopefully it takes everything else with it.

Stop thinking about it. Stop remembering. For gods' sake, stop crying. Of course it hurts. It's the truth. It does that. Get used to it and move on.

You're just another human. Just one of many, and just as flawed and ugly and filthy as the rest. You don't "get" them? Please. Of course you do - you're just the same as any of them. Selfish and shallow and thinking way too highly of yourself. And you're a girl, just like any other girl. Easily replaceable. Easily forgettable. Get off your damn pedestal.

. . . . .

Sorry, lost train of thought completely. Tired. Tearing yourself down and rearranging the pieces is tiring. But I think progress is being made. Misguided love is turning into hate/anger, and I know that when I get angry enough I'll stop caring about anything entirely.

On being neither (or either? or both?)

2005-10-26T10:37:00.000-10:00

Thought hit me upon waking up. Made me a little angry, and something else too but I can't think of what, exactly. Thought about being around my friends. My real friends, what's left after I've dumped all my shit on everyone else till they got sick of it and went away. Something still made me uncomfortable and I couldn't quite put my finger on it till the thought woke me up:

You're all mostly girls. (never really had mostly girl friends before, either been half guys or nobody at all)

and 2), somewhere along the way, I started turning into a woman. (mentally, personality-wise. of course I'm female, but feminine always seemed so alien to me. still does, hence this annoys me)

So this is all kind of new territory. Not entirely pleasant either - actually mostly not. Can't chalk things up to the whole Mars and Venus thing. Can't say that men are totally beyond my ken, and just leave it at that. Can't entirely relate to them anymore either. Something happened along the way and when I started turning into a girl, it's like pheromones or paranoia or something but now it seems like almost all of the guys out there are only nice to me because I'm "cute" or "pretty" or "hot" and basically they'll do anything with/for me as long as it lets them look at me and fantasize. And suddenly I still feel as if I can relate better to them than girls and certainly more of them share my interests but I can't trust them anymore. But girls - my friends aside, I can't really get them either. Or I sort of can, but I just can't pull off some of those behaviors convincingly - like the rolling the eyes and saying, "Men!" Oh, I have done that, but inside I'm thinking more along the lines of "Humans!" as I usually have. After all, whatever men do, women do too, and vice versa, in my experience. The execution is a little different but seems to me to amount to the same thing - it's all lying to themselves, they just don't use lies that correspond, so they dismiss the "incorrect" set of lies so that their lie looks more like the truth. Did that make sense? I mean, it seems to me that dismissing everything other as totally beyond one's ability to understand, so why try, is like any other kind of escape to me.

Of course, maybe I shouldn't be one to talk. In fact probably shouldn't. Like it or not, I'm human too, and here I am pretty much dismissing the entire species. I'll have to lie too, to get over all this. Find the lie that fits and convince myself that it's the truth. Oh, I'll say, I'm a woman, and men, I just can't understand them, ever, being a woman and all, so why trust them anymore? I should put them in their proper place. Eventually I'll believe it. Almost no male friends left anyway, so I should forget what I've seen or what I've heard from my guy friends - their species isn't supposed to form close friendships anyway, especially not with girls.

Maybe it sounds too black and white. I used to be black and white anyway. Then I started going all gray and androgynous and look where it's got me. And now it seems that I'm really just an average woman. That inside no matter how I thought I was, that's what I always was, all along, outside. That's all that was tangible, all that was real. Something like that. Just feels like I can't be what I thought was myself, anymore. I don't know. Reality just seems to be so mutable - and that disturbs me, I think.

Mini-post: Ugly Truth - Addendum to 'Mitosis'

2005-10-26T01:37:00.000-10:00

"The ugly truth makes every one of us a liar" ~Matthew Sweet, Ugly Truth

"Not knowing everything is all that makes it okay, sometimes." ~Delirium, Sandman: Brief Lives

I completely forgot to mention it. Therapy session today. She's pretty much done with being nice and playing along with my delusions. I need to work on actively getting over him and changing my way of thinking about all this. Need to be able to accept the ugly truth behind all this justifying and false hopes and get over him, start making some progress. He doesn't care about me, he's let me down, he's not worth trusting or worrying over. Logical self knows this, told me this all along. Logical self also despises me for falling for him. I despise me, or rather, despise this behavior in women. Still includes me, anyway. I can believe the stuff in all the self help books, about how he's a coward, about how he really cares more for himself than anyone else, how he's probably not losing any sleep over any of this, and knows exactly what he's done to me (okay, fine, half of me can, and the other half would rather go insane, if it allows her to stay happy; see previous post). I just can't believe that other stuff, the bits they throw in to make the reader feel good about herself. The "you go girl!" lines they feed you every other paragraph or so, I'm finding that pretty hard to relate to, or something, but they just don't make me feel any better.

FYI: Reading something called Bittergirl and the Breakup Repair Kit, because the book I was told to find, He's Just Not That Into You, is not in stock at any Barnes and Noble stores, at least (I was at Ala Moana and although I hear Borders carries it, they made sure to close down before B&N opened up, so looks like a job for Amazon).

And I'm still confused.

Mitosis

2005-10-25T23:35:00.000-10:00

Noise level in my head has gone up recently. Finding myself "splitting" again - back to the way I was before Rob, and maybe a little bit more like before Kerry, too (or maybe with Kerry but at that point when I was seriously considering divorce). Back to two disagreeing "selves" again, the cold (dare I say, cruel), calculating, cynical, weakness-despising logical self, and this soft, social, kind, trusting emotional self that has so recently come to dominate my being (and the reason you started going to a therapist, logical self reminds me). When I look back at how long I was actually "with" Rob, wow, holy crap, it's been over a year since I had heard from my logical side in earnest, since the balance had shifted to something more 50/50. It's all very confusing. I remember how I used to be, before I'd ever actually fallen in love, before I'd ever actually decided to genuinely put my trust in someone, instead of calculating how to make it look that way. I mean, I didn't even ever really trust Kerry before. Or, I'm sorry to say, any of you. It's just how I was. Am? May become? I don't know.

Admittedly, I rather like how cute and innocent (not to be confused with 'naive') my emotional side is. I think it's sweet that she can trust so easily, that she believes in forgiveness and that belief in things like "love" can almost work a kind of magic. It's also cute how she can thoughtfully nod her head, with very little irony, even be moved to tears at the allegorical stuff written in children's books like The Velveteen Rabbit, The Little Prince, Peter Pan, The Last Unicorn, and The Missing Piece (granted, the last two aren't technically children's books, and none of them have entirely happy endings, either). It's nice, I guess, that she can be so optimistic and quick to forgive - or is she just justifying everything in order to delude herself into happiness? And it just pisses me off that she'll just go and blurt out all this stuff about how she feels and thinks and everything to just anyone without making sure they're trustworthy first. I mean, trust is nice, but she'll just get us exploited at this rate. And that small recurring delusion that she's not really human? Cute, but it worries me too. Sometimes I think she's "bloomed" too late - thoughts like hers have no place in a 26-year-old body.

But I'm kind of scared of my logical side. I don't know if I want her to be the "dominant" one again, like it used to be. Her mistrust and cynicism make it easy for her to dehumanize almost anyone, and she's always analyzing people's motives and trying to figure out ways to make them think or feel what she wants them to. She's not all logic, but the emotions she has are mostly kind of scary - she's bitter, and angry, and she laughs when she hurts people. She hates. She says horrible things to me when I cry, or when I try to think positive. She points out that all hope by nature is false, so I should stop wasting my time with that sort of thing. She absolutely despises crying, and always tries to shut me down in front of people so that I don't. Makes her look bad, she says. And I feel guilty when I'm not able to let go and cry, and she says things that make it worse. She knows I'll stop crying altogether again if she keeps it up, like before. She was the one that came up with the idea of "slow suicide" - to make every day worse than death for yourself, by your own actions, because if you really hated yourself you wouldn't escape the pain, you'd torture yourself. We ended up telling Rob about it, and he ended up adopting it. I feel bad, but she says I ought to take comfort in the fact that whether or not he credits me with it, I did in a way bring about his suffering. So, she says, everything's evened out, right? But she doesn't entirely believe that, and that's what scares me. She wants to make things like they used to be, get rid of my ability to love and trust, because she thinks it makes me too vulnerable. She thinks it would be best for me to go back to the kind of black and white thinking I used to have, and to do that she wants me to be able to dehumanize Rob, to do something so cruel to him that there would be no affection left on either side. She urges me to do more things alone, to enjoy being bitter and angry. I don't know. So much of what she argues ends up making sense, at least more sense than just a jumble of emotions. But she scares me, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to be like her again.

Confused, confused. You can see that, I'm sure. Trying so hard to find a happy medium. Emphasis on "happy." Moving on would be easier, I suppose, if I could go back to the way I was and simply not care about people anymore, but I've found that I do like being happy (of course when it comes you'll become just as sad as you were happy, so why not take preventative measures?, says logic). And emotion-wise, well... I don't know, it's complex. I want to get over Rob and I suppose I'll have to get over Max, but I also feel... saddened, I guess, at the thought of remembering them without fondness (Rob) or without tears (Max); it's like I've stopped caring about them, somehow. It seems... rude. Mean. Something like that. And if that goes, then what? What if I find myself never really trusting or caring for someone like that again, and don't even have any solid memories of how that kind of thing felt? The thought of me like that is scary. The fact that I've been that way before makes the fear kind of worse.

...I'm missing something here, aren't I? ...Am I?

And then there's this obsession with the color black, with my wardrobe. Trying to make my outside look more like my inside. Finding it harder to identify with the cute girl wearing pink and bunnies in the mirror. It's sort of like a creative activity, sort of. Or am I escaping again? I keep second-guessing everything I do. Can't even trust myself entirely, I think?

In the end, all we agree on is that I am confused.

Exhausted

2005-10-21T00:10:00.000-10:00

Milli's okay now, she ate a little dinner and drank some water, and is currently sulking at the base of the floor lamp in the corner - I had to remove the strip of scrap carpet that I had under the bed, on account of all the puddles of explosive bunny diarrhea she'd left on it. I guess I'll try and clean it up tomorrow and bring it back inside. Right now I replaced it with the strip of plastic floor covering that I'd bought from City Mill some time ago, and she refuses to set foot on it.

So today was very exhausting. Two baths for Milli, and having to carry her around while she clawed up my chest and neck area, and worrying about her getting hypothermia or not eating, and barely eating myself, and moving furniture so I could clean up her mess under the bed, and moving more furniture to keep Milli contained in the living room where I could keep an eye on her (can't see her under the bed without a flashlight, and can't reach her either). I feel so tired and yet I'm afraid Milli isn't all better yet (still seems bloaty and she didn't actually finish her dinner or use the litterbox), so I'm kind of afraid to go to sleep. All leftover worries from Max (mommy misses you so much).

So stressed out today I broke out in rashes and also ended up with new inflamed bug bites of some sort all up and down my legs (I'm hoping I didn't bring back bedbugs from Tricia's apartment). The muscles in my neck, back, and shoulders are just throbbing with pain, and my arm and legs are achy from carrying Milli around and keeping her in my lap on and off all day. Stress. And I'm still worried about her. And when I'm done worrying about her, I'm going to worry about Rob, because I still keep coming back to the memory of him crying, and it makes me want to cry. So much tension - and it's only been a month since Max died, only a year since Rob aborted our proto-relationship, and I feel like I've been feeling this way for much longer.

Trying to get through all this without giving in to despair, or coming out of it bitter, or angry, or hateful, or a hypocrite. Have no idea how.

Milli is sick

2005-10-20T15:32:00.000-10:00

Yes, it is the one-month anniversary of Max's death, and no, I'm not kidding. She's sick. It's her stomach. She's got gas and bloating and she isn't eating or drinking much (unlike Max, she is active and eats a little bit). Still, you can see why I'd be worried. And this time, it probably is my fault, because she got to eat quite a lot of a slice of cheap Sacher torte last night (definition says it's supposed to have apricot jam, but this one just smelled like it had a lot of something alcoholic). So far I'm keeping an eye on her, and this morning she um, expelled a lot of gas and watery poops after I rubbed her tummy (since this involved picking her up and flipping her over, she's been grouchy all day). She seems to have gotten smushy poop all over the bottom of her feet and probably on her butt, too, so later I plan to give her a partial bath... when she's in a slightly better mood.

Okay, yes, I sound pretty optimistic, don't I? And I am definitely more optimistic than I was with Max, but still... after that day, I'm trying to keep it down, but I'm very worried.

Worry prompted me to write a postcard to Rob. It was something I had considered doing for a while anyway, but today especially I felt a need to talk to him, even if it was only a one-sided conversation on paper. As far as the situation with him goes, I'm starting to get... annoyed, I guess. Noo... that's not exactly the word I'm looking for, but I'm going to elaborate anyway.

Three things I value are being true to myself, being honest and open, and being happy when I can. And acting like Rob doesn't exist and avoiding anywhere that he might be and keeping that ridiculous agreement to not hang out at the store or talk to Lance or anyone that may potentially have a crush on me... obviously that is not being honest or true, and I certainly am not happy! It's just being sophomoric and unneccessarily masochistic. In a word, stupid. So I've decided, fuck that. I'm not going to continue this whole angsty-teen, emo-music-video-as-life act. I don't want to "get rid" of my feelings for Rob just because it makes him feel better - it doesn't make me feel better and they're mine anyway. And they've been changing. The last face to face discussion we had, if anything, lowered my expectations of him (dropped them all, really) but my affection remains the same, and it's as easy to forgive him as ever. So ironically I feel as if my feelings for him have if anything come even closer to "unconditional love."* Like, I'm starting to think that maybe this is something like how Max felt towards me - accepting, forgiving, trusting that that person will never intentionally hurt them, ready to help whenever they're ready, full of happy thoughts and memories of that person... um... other stuff too, but this is really a difficult feeling to describe. It's not entirely happy, but it's still a very nice feeling. Like... like something opening up, and radiating out... kind of thing... gah, I don't know. Anyway, I don't care anymore if he ever returns my affections anymore, but I'm not denying they exist and making myself miserable just 'cause he asked me to anymore. If I find someone else that I love more, I'll just shift my affection to them, but for now, fuck Rob and his issues, he's stuck with it.

Sister and brother are here for... something. I assume my brother's doing laundry again, and mooched a ride off my sister. Anyway, I better go. Will update on Milli later, after her bath.

* I don't believe humans are generally capable of true "unconditional love" but I guess after spending so much time around inspiring people like Max, Creampuff, and others like them (ie. non-human people) I have come to believe that one can get very close, with enough willpower, and other stuff.

Crying jags and distractions

2005-10-18T22:29:00.000-10:00

That's what my daily life has become now. I find things to distract me - craft fairs, shopping, books, videogames, movies, TV - and then when I find myself alone and without distractions (in the shower when I'm naked and vulnerable, or in bed when I've got nothing to do but fail to sleep) all the fears and worries flood in and I just start crying and can't stop. In fact, the latter has been happening more and more frequently and sometimes in public. That worries me. Like today, I got "abandoned" on campus after class. I got out at 6:15 and waited and waited, and nobody came (my dad is supposed to pick me up since it's a late class). Still nothing at 7:00; that's when Grandma called and found out that nobody had shown up. She calls my dad, who "totally forgot" about me, and I had been waiting an hour by the time he showed up. It was dark, everyone had gone home (my teacher and her assistant seemed worried about me when they left) and since I had counted on being picked up on time, I hadn't brought a jacket, so I was freezing in my tank top. Somewhere during the waiting, I started thinking about Rob, who had always picked me up when he said he would. I wondered what would happen if I called him (assuming I hadn't deleted his phone number), and I felt quite sure that if he saw my name on his phone now, he wouldn't pick up. It made me just sick to think that there was a good chance that he really would abandon me if I was in trouble, just to avoid having to deal with any displays of affection or trust. And then I started crying, right in the middle of the parking lot. I really did start to feel abandoned. Aren't I pathetic? And then when I get home, I go straight to a hot shower (since I felt so cold) and the tears started welling up before I even got the water running. Then again, I always cry in the shower these days. As I said, I'm alone, and naked, and that makes me feel more vulnerable. Not to mention more aware of those damn marks Rob left on my back (Matt was nice enough to point out that there are actually multiple scars). All it takes is for me to expose that area and then I remember him saying, "I guess I really did scar you for life, ha ha," and I get that lump in my throat. Whenever I'm at home, it seems like all I ever do is cry - everything here seems to remind me of either Rob or Max.

Kerry messaged me. I talked to him for a while. It's weird talking to your ex-husband about the guy you pretty much replaced him with. He does seem to be more open to listening now, not that I'd consider getting back together with him - no way! - but talking about what's making me so depressed kind of alleviates it. Of course, I have to get to the point where I don't have to talk about it, since people will only be willing to listen for so long before they get sick of it.

Lots of medication and supplements taken today. Calcium chew-thing, St. John's wort, B vitamins, C vitamins (supposed to help with depression), Aleve and medicated plasters for all my muscle aches, melatonin for insomnia. You can add birth control pills to the list after Friday (mainly for depression as one of the supplements is supposed to make it malfunction). I'm going to have a hell of a time remembering all this. Might have to invest in one of those big dorky pillboxes.

Found more places that ache. Need more plasters. Going to smell like an old person for the art class field trip tomorrow. I'm so exhausted. Crying really takes it out of you - but I know I won't be able to sleep. Too many worries - Rob, Max, school, my aunt, Milli, Grandma, my parents - and everyone seems to take it as a personal affront that I'm not getting better despite all their "help." Kahi Mohala works closely with my medical insurer, I found out. I may keep that in mind as an option - a stay at a "behavioral health facility" starts to sound like a vacation on days like this.

Nevermind Everything

2005-10-18T01:24:00.000-10:00

No more walks for me. At least not for a while. Grandma got up again and randomly decided to check on my room to find me missing... when was it? Last night? Feels like a long time ago. Also took a full dose of sleeping pills last night too so been feeling like crap (really tired crap) all day; that could be why. And my legs hurt, since when grandma called me to see where I had gone, I felt like I should rush home - and did. Running was never my strong suit. She apologized later for making me feel panicked and has decided to make my aunt stay at my uncle's house this year, because it's finally occurred to her that putting a "deadline" (my aunt's staying here during holidays) is probably not helping me any right now. But I'm still going to miss my late-night walks. Saw 2 kitties on my last walk - the cute one I mentioned before (still couldn't pet it but up close it's got a fluffy tail) and "my" white kitty that me and grandma are feeding. He saw me, recognized me and sat down and looked at me for a bit. We had a short conversation. He's getting pretty chubby now (I'm sure my neighbor in back also feeds him), but by the looks of it he's also getting into much fewer fights, which is good.

On the less upside - wait, that last paragraph wasn't exactly good news, either - I may have to disregard any effects of St. John's wort to my own hormones. The day I took the pills, I realized, was the same day my period ended. I could have just been feeling much better since all the extra depression had literally bled out of me by then. Now I'm settling into my usual state of depression... sigh. I'm still probably going to keep taking it; side effect is supposed to be sensitivity to bright lights and sunlight, which I already have anyway, so now at least I have an excuse for keeping myself vampirically pale. And on the very opposite of the upside, I had a minor run-in with Rob today - my sister wanted to eat salad, and as she's pretty picky about a "good" salad, we ended up at Laufer, which has got some of the best salads ever, and were seated near the window. I found myself thinking, what are the chances Rob will walk right by while I'm here? and sure enough, he did. Eye contact for a second, and then he walked by as fast as he could. Walked even faster on the way back. Don't flatter yourself; I'm just here because my sister wanted a salad for dinner. I would've smiled at you, or waved, if you hadn't looked at me like I was trying to kill you then, you know. On a slight tangent, I've not seen Rob's friend Blake at Laufer anymore. Last I'd heard he was up for a promotion, but he seems to have left. Wonder what happened.

So, yeah. Super tired today. Feeling exhausted and crappy from too much medication. Watched my Japanese drama and went to bed at 10:00, but obviously I didn't stay asleep. Too soon for me to start taking walks again, which is too bad, because it should be a nice bright night out. And my kitty may be walking around. And Rob would probably just be getting home around now and I'll run into him again... so, never mind.

I'm so without direction right now. No, wait. I have directions - they're pretty clear and everything and everyone around me is pointing at them. I guess it's more a motivation thing. Sucks to not be competitive or ambitious. You have to find something else that will get you going, make doing things worth it for you. I haven't found my "something" yet, or rather, lost my top two somethings (Max and Rob). This may take a while.

Quite contrary

2005-10-16T02:22:00.000-10:00

St. John's Wort. Took a pill tonight. Guess it's kicked in 'cause I'm in a much better mood than I have been in a... long, long time. When I noticed that I was actually feeling pretty happy, that my smiles were actually reaching all the way up into my eyes, I had to stop and - masochist that I am - start thinking of all the things that would depress me into tears. Only I didn't cry this time. Which I guess is sort of good, but sort of... I don't know, but I find myself almost wishing that I was sad again. At least enough to cry; it seems insulting in a way, not to be able to shed tears for the loss of those you care about most. You know what I mean?

Oh Rob, Max, I'm sorry I'm not crying over you... but I still really do love* you! Maybe I'll take the pills every other day, and cry for you on alternate days...

* Okay, in Rob's case, maybe the word "love" is not 100% accurate, but the word "like" is not intense enough. If there was a word in the English language that fell perfectly between "like" and "love," I would use it for Rob, but as there isn't... I'd rather use the same term I use for Max.

I'm also feeling unusually tired. Not fatigued or that heavy, numb feeling that comes with depression, but actually tired. Like eyelid-hurting, ready for bed tired. It's kind of a nice feeling after all the insomnia. Of course I still could lie awake all night, especially since I cried myself into a nap this afternoon.

Out late-ish with Erin, Jase, and Bernice tonight. Dim sum for dinner, and noodles. Still don't like cream buns (sorry Bernice, but on the plus side there's more for you!). Impulse purchases at Daiei, including two sets of cheap Japanese stationery - one ultra cute one with strawberries and Engrish, and another with a rabbit pattern which I realized is actually lined sideways for vertical Japanese writing (hmm... could be problematic). Don't know who I'll write to - maybe I'll send a short note and invite to Rob to a future full moon viewing on the church wall (he never objected to my sending him letters at home). Don't worry, I won't do this any time soon.

New and adorable discovery at Daiei - a small flock of doves (and one sparrow) hanging out in the pet supply aisle, eating birdseed out of a bag they'd torn open, and also dropped bits of dry cat food. They were just calmly perching on the shelves or "sale" signs, didn't even fly very far when we approached. You could hear dove calls coming from neighboring aisles. It's amazing how much they can adjust to living among human environments. The employees didn't even chase them out, and I think they must have set up nests someplace in the building, given how at ease they were in the supermarket.

Milli enjoys steamed cheese bread (which is really more like cake in consistency) very much. Now that she's allowed all her "no-no" foods, I realize how much she loves her baked goods with cream or cheese in them. Custard pie and cheesecake also get her very excited. She was climbing all over me for cheese bread and would stuff her face with as much as she could - I swear she didn't even breathe between bites! I'd feed it to her again just to get her on my lap - she's very warm on the lap, always radiated more heat than many other bunnies I've petted. (aww, she's gone all flat on the bed next to me, just now. she really is quite cute, although I can't say that I "love her more than anybody in the world" like Max, just yet)

Chatted on IM for a bit with Eric, from the 'Kon forum. Hadn't talked to him for a while. He's a good listener, or at least good at seeming like a good listener. I ought to learn from him. He actually knows the basic bits of the Rob drama. I told him some time back. He's been supportive and down to earth, which is always nice to have. I feel a lot better, for some reason, after talking to him today. I suppose part of it is that it's always nice to know that people still think of you when they haven't seen you in a while (I feel the same way when I see regulars from the store sometimes).

Milli is lying all stretched out on the bed and looking very comfortable (happily licking a spit-puddle onto the blanket). She's making me want to lie on the bed too...!

Caught!

2005-10-15T01:27:00.000-10:00

Yes, caught! Grandma thought she'd ask me something since I'm usually up at 10:30 and found me not in bed, or anywhere in the house for that matter. But it turned out not so bad. First off, she wasn't mad, mainly somewhat concerned but assumed that I had been picked up by friends, and hadn't told her since I wouldn't want to wake her up (half true at any rate, not that I told her that). She was surprised when I appeared by myself and not in a car, which is what she was waiting up for. I explained that it was a nice bright night out and I was feeling down so I decided to take a walk to hopefully clear my head of all the depressing thoughts. I just ended up having to promise that I wouldn't go walking through the neighborhood by myself again, and she didn't know that it had already become something of a regular habit already. Guess I'll just take my walks later, like around midnight. I can't just give it up - it's good exercise, gets me tired enough to sleep sometimes, and the full moon's coming up - can't miss the scenery as a really bright full moon lets you see all the way to the ocean from up there!

What I'd actually done tonight was get "kidnapped" by Erin and Bernice; we went to Koko Marina and hung out for a bit, and they dropped me back at the church, where I sat on the wall and ate some saimin I picked up at Zippy's. Saw two semi-regular figures tonight - a skinny black cat that runs across the street near the church around 11 most nights (goes to and from the bushes in front of the house next door to Rob's and an SUV that parks across the street near a tree), and Rob's mom returning from Zippy's (the very one I bought saimin from earlier) with his brother after work. They stood out in front of the garage for a bit and stared and pointed at something either up in the sky or on the mountain to my left. I looked out in that direction but I didn't see anything unusual (the moon was awfully bright, but was in the other direction). Maybe they just don't stop to notice the stars very often, or maybe they were able to see into one of the other houses from that angle; I don't know. I felt sort of like an idiot, though, looking where they were pointing and not seeing anything - like when someone plays that sort of joke on you, although of course they weren't aware of me at all. Then I sort of had to pee, so after they went inside I started back home.

On the emotional front, still can't shake this depression, although it's a little better since my period is finishing up. Still feeling guilt and pity and affection and despair over Rob, and incomplete and sorrowful over Max; still finding myself crying (at least for shorter intervals, which I suppose could be construed as a plus) over their loss. And over all this, a sort of numbness, or a very dull ache bordering on it, as far as my feelings about myself go. Like their leaving tore out holes in the places that make me care about myself. I mean, I still do, it's not like I'm not eating or bathing or getting out of bed - at least, most of the time. And then I run into one of these "holes" and then I kind of... don't care at all, for a while. That's the best way I can explain it right now.

Windows just ran an update, and is prompting me to restart. I guess I should just end it here and let it do that, then.

Shut up, Chris!

2005-10-13T01:36:00.000-10:00

I realized something last night (since I wasn't sleeping, anyway). I talk too much, and I don't listen. Rob said it so many times and I still wasn't listening. He wanted to talk, and I wouldn't shut up and listen to him. I'm not saying it's all my fault, but I am responsible for ruining what could have been at least a beautiful friendship with him and the others at the store. Because I didn't listen. I got too involved with trying to get myself across to others that I didn't hear them out. I was selfish, and because of that I missed chances that I probably won't ever get again, and my willingness to listen now doesn't matter. It's too late. Rob has every right to give up on me, and I have no right to claim to love him.

I want to stop talking. I want to listen more. I don't want to lose anyone else. Please remind me to shut up.

Mini-post: Crazy

2005-10-12T01:42:00.000-10:00

I honest to god feel like I'm going crazy.

Edit: Oh. I've gotten my period and I'm bleeding like a stuck pig. That might explain it.

Days in Exile

2005-10-11T23:36:00.000-10:00

So back into exile I go, on Rob's request this time. Started a little writing project. It's about as creative as I get these depressing days. Can't even escape by watching anime, since the days, times, and duration I'm allowed in the store have been drastically restricted. Otherwise I'm doing nothing - mostly sleeping. And that I'll have to do much less of in the near future, because too much of my family's worried and trying to "help" (at least I'm not taking Valium anymore, although I am mega-dosing on herbal sleep aids and pain meds). I figure I'll just set my alarm for whatever time makes everyone happy and just get by with less sleep and lots of stimulants. There I go, being passive-aggressive again.

By the way, what are your thoughts on telling others about your problems? I've frequently been told not to involve others by telling them anything, yet many people also keep asking me what's the matter. I used to be pretty sure on this one - my original opinion was that problems could be alleviated by sharing them, but except for the moment I am talking about my problem, I don't really feel better, and I don't think anybody's happy hearing me bitch all the time; I've even lost friends by telling them my problems like they asked me to. Which leads me to wonder... which is better? Or is there a happy medium that I can't see?

I'm really seriously considering just drugging myself into a semblance of normalcy. Just try and get on everything that's been suggested to me - sleep aids, anti-anxiety drugs, anti-obsessive drugs, anti-depressives, caffeine, spa treatments, acupuncture, alcohol - I've been generally against medicating myself into submission, but on the other hand I've never really tried; who knows, it might work. I just feel so bad being the way I am right now, and I'm burdening so many people with my problems. Right now what I find I'm wanting more and more is just to get everyone off my back, or get off the backs of others, with a quick fix, even if the fix is kind of half-assed. I just want to be able to do what everyone expects of me - get a job, clean up the stuff around the house, stop thinking about Rob, stop getting depressed over Max, be all cheerful in public like I used to be - if only so I'll stop feeling so pressured.

And if only everything else went away too - the restlessness, the fatigue, the insomnia, the confusion, the anxiety, the fear, the worry, the crying, the despair, the false hope, the real hope, the sad memories, the happy memories, the emptiness, the heaviness, the aches and pains, the affection, the dreams, the nightmares, the anger, the love, the hate, the grieving, the distractions, the logic, the intuition, EVERYTHING - I find myself wishing it was all gone, that nothing of me was left. It's not enough to wish to die, I wish to never exist. I don't want to be me anymore.

It's really a sad feeling, too, because I do like myself - it just feels as if the rest of the world doesn't. I should stop here, I really should, this is coming out sounding like a suicide note.

More of the same

2005-10-10T00:10:00.000-10:00

Went for a walk just a little while ago. Up to the usual spot to look at the quarter moon and stars, only the mountains blocked my view of the moon, and clouds obscured the stars (poo). Met a kitty en route - cute calico one with big eyes, must've belonged to the house it was in front of since it had a collar and bell. Showed interest in me but wouldn't come down off the wall of the house. I'll have to keep an eye out for it next time.

Lots of people out and about tonight. Football party near the church, with moke-ish guys yelling and drinking beer and whatever guys do at football things. FOB Japanese girl in high heels, talking on her cell and carrying schoolbooks, walking out of a house and up the street to hers, I would assume. Zen monk looking guy (bald head, sandals, tabi, robes) also walking up the street and talking on his phone. Old lady walking her dog. Various cars, coming and going. Rob's mom picking up his brother from work and bringing him back. Just goes to show that there are fewer and fewer retirees out here, I guess, since so many people are up at this hour (not to mention that several of the cars were ricemobiles).

No Valium tonight, although grandma insisted I up my dosage of Valerian - it's not doing anything, by the way. I may have to start taking full-sized doses of sleeping pills after this, to keep my family happy (my dad and uncle are now very worried about me because I am not up early enough for their comfort on weekends). And I have to hurry and get a job, since they decided not to hire me at the other store - I got a phone call with a guy reading off some sheet of paper: "We're, uh, sorry, but. after. the. results. of, uh. your interview. and your application. we. have. decided, uh, on a more... experienced. candidate..." I'd guess it was because I wouldn't commit to a permanent position with them, and possibly because I was seen later going into the store and staying for a couple hours (when Rob pulled me aside to talk).

Oh well, you don't see me losing sleep over it. Ironically even if I wasn't hired there, I am still semi-banned from the store, though - Rob did say that he didn't like how I was coming by so "often" (er, once or twice a week?), so I guess I have to keep my visits down to once a week or less. He also doesn't seem to like me hanging out and talking to people, so that'll have to stop I guess. If anyone asks why I'm leaving so soon (they tend to even if I've already been there over an hour), I can just tell them it's on Rob's request - they can ask him for an explanation; he can make something up. Well... knowing me, I'll probably cover for him a little bit.

. . . . .

I stopped to think for a while. Tried to see my future. It's not very clear anymore. Ordered the bench press to make my own buttons and... then what? Can I make enough money with my own little business by itself? Probably not... but I can't count on having a fun job that I can moonlight in where my boss will support me and give me the time and resources to keep doing my own thing - not anymore. I can't rely on family (never really did, not willingly anyway). And I can't really see anything very well beyond a few months from now. I don't know...

When life gives you shit, you make... shit-ade?

2005-10-09T00:03:00.000-10:00

I apologize. Yesterday's post was pretty damn angsty. Not something I aspire to at all.

Missed class again today. Might as well give up at this point - math was never my strong suit and catching up when I fall behind in a math class is nigh impossible for me, especially since I can't just forget my personal problems when in class. Taking more Valium, on top of the maximum daily dosage of Aleve, today. All I can say to that is, egh.

Oh, here's something interesting: while sitting in the passenger seat of Bernice's car today, something splashed my arm. I thought it was raining. Turned out a passing bird managed to take a crap through the half-opened window, miss the seat belt, and splatter my shoulder just beneath it. Wow, what are the chances? At least the people at Nordstrom Rack were nice about letting me use the dressing rooms to change my shirt (got a cheap tank top).

Saw Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit today, too. Cute and funny and Britishly weird - I liked it. Some unexpected "subtle yet so awful yet so funny, especially with goofy British-accented claymation characters" sexual innuendo. All the bunny references made me miss Max just a bit, though. Lance called to invite me to hang out at Chuck-E-Cheese with his friend and his friend's 3 year old daughter and all the other screeching, hyperactive toddlers that also hang out at such places. Thank goodness he called about 5 minutes before the movie started, so I had a good excuse. I think for some reason he believes that I like babies and small children, despite the fact that I pretty much avoided going near his friend's kid the last time I hung out with them (I agreed to that outing because I wasn't told that his friend had a kid beforehand).

More escapism through consumerism - this is getting to be a bad habit, here. Got that skirt at Cinnamon Girl that I'd been eyeing for a while (really unique asymmetrical design with many functional pockets and cool buckle), which only comes in crappy pale colors; I got it in white and plan to dye it black along with my pink corset top, Gothic Lolita dress, lace-cuffed shirt (if I can find it) and I guess any other article of clothing not sufficiently... mournful enough to suit my mood (and my box full of black shoes). Bernice suggested I call Trish and Erin guys and make a sort of "party" out of it. Well at least dying stuff is sort of creative, right? Also found another one of those cute little Japanese figurines of maneki-usagi (like the 'welcoming cat' but bunnies) sitting on the moon (Erin got me my first one). Bought an adorable rabbit-on-the-moon holding a little pink heart, which is supposed to bring me happiness in love. That's sitting on my monitor right now - I hope that it and the other bunny, which is supposed to bring me health (or cheer me up, depending on your translation of 'genki') will at least help me a little bit, if only by being cute enough to make me smile when I look at them.

I miss Max. I know I've said it before, but it's still one of my most frequent thoughts. Everything seems lonelier without him, even when I'm someplace where he wouldn't even be with me if he was alive. And Rob... well, he is, technically, alive. Not living much, though, I'd assume - he seems to be the type to depend on others to make him happy. And I said I'd think of him as dead anyway. My two darling dead boys. It's not the same without you.

My stomach hurts again. I should look up side effects of Valium.

...nope, no stomach pain listed. Maybe it's hormones. Stupid ovaries.

Such a feeling of fatigue, and it has nothing to do with drugs. You know that feeling, like after you've just cried yourself out? Like a puppet with strings cut and a hole in the center. Not really a hole where my heart should be, exactly. Kind of in that area but there's an emptiness around and below it too, and everything left around it feels so heavy.

I saw the moon en route to home earlier. It's a perfect crescent shape, just like what my bunny figurines are sitting on. Went outside to look but I can't see it from here, and it's too late to go to my "lookout." Maybe tomorrow night.

Disturbances

2005-10-08T00:29:00.000-10:00

2005 has not been a good year for me. Just as things looked like they might be getting better, everything goes crashing back down. The months of coughing at the beginning of the year, Rob going out with Silvia (without actually being in love with her, that hurt), the two of us not talking anymore, the disruption of relationships between everyone at the store, the loss of my job, the quitting the store, Max's death, Rob crying, my aunt coming to visit... it's like the End Times on an ultra-tiny, individual scale, personalized just for me.

I've missed classes. I'm not really sleeping. I'm hardly eating, or else I'm eating too much of the stuff I shouldn't. I'm going to seriously look into getting medicated in order to just get through the holidays (but Bernice says it won't work since it'll take the whole 3 months just to have any effect at all). I'm worried that Rob is approaching some kind of emotional breaking point. I'm worried that I might be, myself. My grandmother is worried too, and she's trying too hard to "help" me - she made me take some Valium about an hour ago. My stomach hurts, and my shoulders hurt, and the meds will probably leave me hung over (sleeping pills usually do), so I don't doubt that I'll be feeling even worse tomorrow. I think I will probably end up getting my therapist to write a letter to my teachers and try to drop or audit some of my classes. I'm falling a little too far behind, and I'm too miserable and unwilling to catch up. I'm still not used to Max being gone, and seeing Milli alone still makes me cry (as does so many other things that remind me of him). I can barely take Max being gone and then Rob pushes me away again - now I'm back to mourning over him, too. And the worst part is that there is nothing I can do for the two people I care for most in the world - one is dead, and the other one might as well be, for all I'm able to do. My stomach really does hurt. I'm getting pretty nauseous. I can't find my concentration, or my confidence, or my motivation anymore. I'm being pressured to hurry and get "normal" before my aunt gets here, or she'll try to make the holidays hell for me. She'd try to throw me out onto the street and if she made a real effort, and things keep on the way they are, I may not care enough to fight it. I hate how self-centered one's thinking gets when depressed, but it just spirals, and it's hard to move against the current.

I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to sleep and waste away and dream of Max and Rob as I remember them. I don't want to look at that sad little urn on my desk, or the sweet but slightly excessive gifts gathering dust all over my room. I know it's possible for me to shut myself off from the world, to make it so that it doesn't exist for me anymore, but I also know that it'll hurt people, and I won't let myself do that. I'll wake up and endure tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. My feelings won't go away, they'll ferment since I can't express them properly, like a perfect vision in your mind that you can never reproduce on paper, that drives you crazy.

Maybe it's my mood. Maybe it's the pills. I'm not making sense anymore. The only lasting good that seems to have come of this is that at some point that other, angry and hateful side of me has gone, or come to an understanding with the rest of me, at least. That duality is gone; my personality is united in a universal melancholy. I'm so tired...

Rob is dead.

2005-10-06T23:12:00.000-10:00

Again. But I guess your birthday's one of the best times to go, right?

Okay, before you start freaking out, he didn't really die. At least not physically. Let's go back to my Sunday school education for a second - if everything is always changing, and no single thing is ever the same as it was just a moment ago, then you could say that the Rob I knew and loved is dead, but the one that exists now is not. Oh well, at least I got to say a proper good-bye. No "I love you," though, because I'm sure he knows anyway and besides, I don't think he could handle that if I said it.

Sorry, let me backtrack a little bit. So I mentioned how I sent him an email before, I said that I wanted a friend and I'd be happy if it was him, although it really hadn't been long enough for me to completely lose my affection for him. So yesterday he pulled me aside at the store (I was just there to drop off DVDs) and gave me his reply in person. Stuff was said, clarifications were made (or attempted), both of us ended up crying and then hugging and crying. Sounds good, right? Wrong. He can't handle being around me and knowing that I loved him, he said, because he'd know that I was going to end up depressed that my affections weren't ever going to be returned. He used to love me very much; I almost changed his mind about staying away from people in order to keep from hurting them - but in the end, I didn't. So for my sake, he said, he wanted me to keep avoiding him. Because he thought it'd make me happier. I didn't agree, but I was allowed to think about it. If I chose otherwise, he said, just keep in mind that it was my choice. I said I would, and I went home to think about it.

It was so ironic, in hindsight - he was crying in front of me, something that he never even did when he was in love with me. He was sincere in talking about his feelings, again more so than when when he was all smitten and such. And in the midst of all this sincerity he spouts this stuff about how much he cares about me and how that's why I have to stay away - although I believe that he believes that what he's doing is supposed to prove, somehow, that he cares about me; that all this is somehow "right." He obviously cares a great deal about others - dare I say, loves them - but it seems to me that it gets misguided because he refuses to love himself. (well, that's just my opinion, but I've been there, and what you see in others is more or less what you are able to comprehend in yourself, I think)

So I called him just an hour ago, maybe less. I told him I'd thought about it all night, that I had been miserable avoiding him and I would be happier, I think, seeing him every once in a while just as a friend. I also wanted to wish him a happy birthday, but he said he hates birthdays so I ended up being kind of apologetic about that. He also said I wasn't thinking clearly. He went on to say that I can't see him at all, because that would just keep renewing my feelings for him and keep hurting me. I was sure it wouldn't, I mean, not if I just hung out maybe like once a month? But oh well, he was certain. He was obviously getting upset, so I said that I should stay away, because obviously he gets so worked up in my presence. So then he starts getting a bit... hysterical's the only word that fits - and accuses me of being selfish and putting too much pressure on him. Forget it, I said, I'm sorry I called, I'll go, I'm gone, and I hung up. Then I deleted his number from my cellphone.

Then he called me back. I cut off the call. He called me back again. I picked up. He sounded like he'd calmed down. Sounded resigned. Said I could do whatever I wanted to. I said no, he gets too upset around me, and no matter how much I wanted to be near him I couldn't stand it if it hurt him (basically the same as what he'd said to me) - and then he started going into hysterics again so I tried to calm him down and said, I dunno, some crap that I knew was sort of what he wanted to hear. Then I said I'd be okay, I wouldn't be miserable without him because I had actually hit on a way to keep from missing him too much earlier. That it'd been working until Max had died. So I explained to him about the being dead thing. That I loved someone else, and that person had died. That the Rob that I would run into periodically wasn't him, it was like a twin that also knew me somewhat - same looks, voice, mannerisms, interests, but it wasn't the one that I love. I said fine, fine, I'll say I'm doing it for myself, but what's going to start my motivation would be him - I can't stand being the one to make him cry. I think he may have started arguing again, so I just cut him off and said Please, just let me say goodbye properly. I've had problems before with being able to say goodbye properly to loved ones that have died so at least give me a chance to with you. Quiet on the other end.

I said thank you for everything. I said I had been happy, that I'd miss him. I said I would promise to move on and live happily, or something like it. I said some other things that I don't remember anymore, but I remember that they really did come out sounding like I was leaning over the edge of his casket talking to him. It sure felt that way. But again, no "I love you"s. So I guess it wasn't really a proper goodbye, but it was pretty close.

I wonder what he would have thought if I had told him that I was telling him Goodnight and I Love You every night since I'd left the store, after Max and Milli, like clockwork. That was for the same reason too - I don't want it to be left unsaid, in case any of us dies tomorrow (because we could). I still say it to Max every night, so I guess I can still say it to him, too - the "dead" him, not the one whose phone number, email, and IM handle I just erased. I always did have similar feelings of affection and acceptance for him as I did with Max - now I can mourn them together too.

I said that if he'd really let me down when I needed him most, that would be something to make me give up on him - and in a way, he did, unintentionally. Max is gone, I felt alone and reached out to him for support, and he responded at first and then pushed me away once I started feeling hopeful again. Of course, I'm not really mad at him for that - I understand that he probably had good intentions, and so, yeah... Well, at least with him "dead," I can keep my feelings for him, and think fondly back on my happy memories (and some sad but oddly comforting ones, like Max's death or Rob's tears), without interfering with his decision to isolate himself from others.

So... there's your happy ending, I guess. Only it's really not happy at all, is it?

"You cecome responsible forever for what you have tamed." ~ the fox, from The Little Prince (which I just read recently)

Mini-post: Eat, sleep, mope, repeat

2005-10-02T00:46:00.000-10:00

Seems like it's all I did, and all I've been doing, when I got home today. Fell asleep. Ate greasy leftover restaurant food. Watched some anime on DVD and a Bruce Lee movie on TV. Answered my email. Boring stuff that depressed people do like that. It's amazing how much of my confidence an eeny little bunny like Max was supporting on his widdle shoulders. I'm so unsure and nervous about everything, it seems. I've got no feeling that I'm pointed in any kind of direction in life. I feel so unloved (I realize logically that's not the case, but I've been spoiled by Max's kind of love, and that's hard to find). End up thinking either too much or too little. Not really enjoying either. Can't go on a late-night walk because of the weather. Sucks.

Because getting a job means I'm "okay"

2005-10-01T18:10:00.000-10:00

Stood in line today for an interview at the "other store." Kelsey and some of his friends were there, too. Interview was short and I guess went well - I figured my history with Rob's store would either drive them to decide either that they shouldn't hire me ever, or that they must have me. Seems they decided on the latter - I got the impression they were very eager to get me, although they did ask a bit too much about the circumstances under which I had left before, and about my current relations with the store and its employees. I was vague and didn't elaborate on anything, by the way. It's none of their business. At least now that I've got a (temporary) job lined up my grandmother and dad and other family members won't try to set me up with jobs that I'm not qualified to do anyway. I don't want to have to accept some job somewhere that I can't actually do, just because some relative of mine begged a company head to hire me as a favor.

Missed class again. Didn't sleep at all the night before, although I was in bed by 10. Dammit, I thought I was over all this, but I ended up thinking about Max and getting all weepy. Then I ended up thinking about Rob and getting all anxious. Somehow I ended up mentally cycling between the two of them, and suddenly six hours had passed. Didn't help that Milli was running around and playing with all the toys (well, I'm glad she started playing with the toys again, but...) until four in the morning or so. Grandma insists that I take some sleeping pills that my uncle left here before I go to bed tonight.

No reply from Rob, in any form. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned... no, I had to mention that. He'd said that he honestly hadn't thought I'd ever talk to him again for 2 or 3 years, like I'd said when I left. I guess... maybe he'd really dug in for that kind of a wait. Gotten way over me, so to speak. I want to call, but last time he said not to call on Saturdays, and I'm kind of afraid of what I'll hear when someone picks up.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckityfuck. Everything just sucks. You know what's funny? I got this thing in the mail from my mom, it's some kind of paper talisman you get at Shinto shrines; they show a very generalized fortune for the year based on the day of your birth. Mine had the symbol for a lucky year stamped on it.

Speaking of which, my dad called. He's going to pick me up tomorrow and I have to have dinner with him. I can't say no because he's going to remind me that he drove Max to the hospital.

Oh my, my therapist is going to get her hour's worth next week.

More escapism, I guess. It's all I can do right now to not obsess over all the shit going on. Yes, I realize that other people have problems too, and I'm by far not the only one, however, my problems are the only ones I am completely and directly immersed in (being mine and all) and, crap, I hate spiralling into this kind of selfish, depressed mental vortex but it's hard to stop once the momentum's picked up, and that's why I'm trying to avoid it for now. I'm also aware that it won't work forever, but... hey, it's my birthday in Harvest Moon!

(sigh...)

Escapism

2005-09-28T22:34:00.000-10:00

...thy name is Harvest Moon for GBA. I've just been going on with my routine, pixelated farm life day in and day out, rather than stopping too long to think about Max never being around again and getting all teary, or wondering if Rob really meant what he said in that email. Also been watching a lot of TV (for me, anyway) and eating unhealthy food (when I manage to eat at all). I can't say whether or not I'm depressed (probably) or to what degree - I'm just making sure not to think about it, which I'm pretty certain isn't the healthiest way to deal with it. Oh well, it gets me through the normal daily stuff like class for now.

The "other store" called me tonight regarding the job application - they'd like me to come in for an interview. I've got a little bit of time to think about that, at least. They didn't really schedule one, per se, it's really more like I come that day or I don't, and they don't really care. Also on the job front, I'm getting pressure from my dad and uncle to take these jobs they set up for me. The one my uncle set up is for some distribution company that's looking for a professional designer, with a professional portfolio, and I don't know what my uncle told them but that is not what I am. As for my dad, he set something up with a family friend in Kaneohe, and told her I'd be interested in working for her and that transportation isn't a problem (he wants to drive me across the island to work every day, greeeat, more time spent unwillingly with my dad). I really, really, don't feel confident in my ability to hold down a job, and I don't know how many "really"s I have to put in front of that to get it across to my family. Gah. My head hurts.

Oh well. I got my bookshelf today. Thanks to Trish for her time and use of SUV. That's sort of like progress, at least.

On a completely not related note, heard from my two Sacred Hearts friends, Silvia and Kim, recently. Silvia I ran into at her job (soon to be nonexistent) at Waldenbooks Ala Moana (they're closing down instead of competing with the new B&N). She's still asking if Rob's okay. She seemed worried about him. One of them ought to call the other, really. Kim is starting to really get into drawing manga (she called me for my email address so she could send a sample). She is also proof that perhaps my "yaoi theory" is correct - she's into that stuff now (not the hardcore ones, thank goodness). Maybe one of these days if I feel like it I'll post my theory about the appeal of yaoi to certain straight female demographics. But later.

Shoulders are achy, and I've just referred to Gamefaqs to figure out how to get past this problem I'm having with an event in my game. I'll play a little before I go to bed. Tomorrow Bernice wants to try eating at Top of Waikiki, the revolving restaurant.

I just thought you'd like to know

2005-09-26T23:12:00.000-10:00

Not much to report in the way of current events. Playing lots of GBA and sleeping, and whatever else can keep me from randomly thinking of Max and then crying. Went back to class finally, today. Profs have been very understanding so far and don't go inquiring further when I say a sudden death occurred in the family - and that's the truth anyway.

Max's ashes are sitting in a nice little urn now. Not that cheesy tin in a flocked bag from the vet's. The ashes themselves are in their paper wrapping, and I put those into the Sugarbunnies tin from Rob (I was trying to find a use for that thing and the ash-bundle fit perfectly), which is in turn wrapped in soft paper (from Erin's maneki-usagi figurine) and placed in the handmade ceramic vessel from the craft fair (a lovely red glaze). To hold the lid in place, the whole urn is wrapped in the handkerchief Tricia got me from Japan (pink and white with an asymmetrical pattern of white rabbits and colorful flowers). I think I may have mentioned the urn before, but it's all together a very cute little package, and includes little bits here and there from other people (who were all so supportive during this time). So I'd like to thank them all for their part in it, even if they didn't intend for the items to be put to use that way. Now what's left of Max can be small and round and cute, just like him. Oh, and I'm sure Max says thank you too.

I am e-mailing back and forth with Rob. It's kind of conversational stuff, I guess. I don't know what will come of this. Be assured that whatever happens, I won't make the mistake of letting myself disappear off the face of the earth again.

Made an appointment with my therapist in early October. I hope she does grief counseling.

Milli and I had custard pie last night. I also went walking thru the neighborhood around 10 (it's pretty safe and a lot of people go walking at night here). The stars show very nicely out here - we're far enough away that the city glare covers them up. I could even make out a bit of a swirl in the stars - the Milky Way? It's almost obscene, how pretty the world still looks after Max is gone. But I'm still kind of glad that it does.

Tangible Eulogies

2005-09-25T02:57:00.000-10:00

Wrote some commentary on Matt's blog about the nature of the things we keep, mementos of those who are dead - not only literally but emotionally.

...I find myself surrounded by mementos that I can't bring myself to throw away, because they house good memories, or even bad ones, because they confirm that these things happened and in a weird and entirely subjective way that "I" and my world - right as of and up till this moment - exist, in this form because of these things. I know I'm afraid to throw them away because otherwise all that's left is what's in my head, and I'm so down right now that I can't entirely trust that. What if I stop remembering? I think. It'll be as if the one I love never existed...

I still love Rob. I might as well just accept that already. When Max died, I was all emotion at that moment. I was sadder and lonelier than I'd ever been and I needed to feel comforted, loved, I needed trust and companionship, and without thinking at all I reached for him. For better or worse, he didn't let me down, and now all the things that he left behind - in and outside of my head - have significance and sentimental value again. But things are settling back into surreal business-as-usual in the world outside of my room (where Max's ashes sit in his shiny new ceramic urn, wrapped in the bunny handkerchief Trish got me from Japan) and I'm ill-equipped to adjust, but also feeling the urge to take advantage of the circumstances that brought the two of us - albeit briefly and less than happily - back together.

Why not? I feel alone, I need to take what happiness I can from such a tragedy, I need to feel justified that Max didn't leave me alone, I don't want to be stuck simultaneously grieving over a lost love and a lost life. But I have no idea what to do! All I do these days is sit and cry and think, and all three generally result in me feeling worse than I did before.

In other news, my physical status is not so great. I sleep but I wake up incredibly unrested and usually in some kind of pain. If my dreams are responsible, I can't remember them. I'm feeling fatigued all the time, like all the energy is just leaking out of me faster than I can replace it. I don't eat, mainly because I'm finding that my stomach is upset and I can't finish even small meals. Nothing really comforts me anymore - how is it possible when Max used to be the greatest source of comfort I had? Anytime I felt bad, I would be told (by myself or others), "You still have Max." So now I feel restless, unsettled, unbalanced inside. And worse, there's that pressure to hurry up and get back to "normal" coming from outside. Again, I don't know what to do.

I'm just a twitching mass of indecision, aren't I? Thanks for putting up with me, everybody.

There's a ghost in my heart I'm not willing to free

2005-09-24T01:06:00.000-10:00

I've got that feeling, you know the feeling you get when someone is staring at you? All creepy up and down your back? I have that feeling now whenever I'm in my room. Only I think it's not so much from being stared at as not being stared at. Max was usually sitting where he could see me, and looking right at me. It's an odd feeling, a sort of weird, mild tension all the time. That feeling is mixed with a not-quite denial - every time I walk into the room I automatically expect to find him sitting in one of his usual places. I don't see him and I automatically have the urge to look for him under the bed. I go out and I automatically assume he's here at home while I'm gone. It's not that I believe he's still alive at all - it's more like I'm so used to him being there that I fall into that way of thinking unconsciously. So I'm sort of constantly going on "autopilot" and assuming he's still here, and immediately afterwards I remind myself that he's dead - it's a constant, dull pain. It's eating away at me, I think. Erin says if I think I'm going crazy - and between Max and Rob sometimes I really do - that maybe it's time to consider medication. But the cause of that craziness is my love for them, and I kind of feel like it'd be wrong to medicate that away. It's love, after all. I'm in such a predicament.

Went to see Corpse Bride. Very cute and funny, a bit bordering on necrophilia but hey - whatever floats Tim Burton's boat. And it was a good movie. Kind of had to pee for a while but endured it 'cause I didn't want to leave the theater and miss anything - it was that kind of good. Ran into a couple of people from the 'Kon forum, got more condolences on the loss of my child. Also called Kim back (I'd forgotten last weekend when she called unexpectedly at dinner, and realized it this morning. as I told her, it's been a bad week). I am surprising myself at how very normal I am in public or over the phone. I even feel almost normal in those situations - but something's still awry, something feels wrong in here. I can't put my finger on it. I know it has to do with what I mentioned above, and in the post before this. Really, everything does.

Stupid me, I sent Rob an email. Of course it was a bit confused. I tried not to use big words and extra long sentences but I still think it came out confused because I was. I wanted to get across that I really wasn't okay, and that for some reason when I stopped at the store yesterday I closed up again and started putting on that fake smile. That it was really hard for me to talk to him about personal things, even if it's easy for me to cry in front of him. That I still had feelings for him. Stuff like that, sort of, but I didn't use the same words. I didn't quite use the same words as in my previous post either. And then I felt like an idiot, and guilty for forcing that kind of stuff on him, so I messaged him over his cell that I was sorry about the email, that I was confused, that I need time to work things out. Basically I asked him not to concern himself over it. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I don't know. I'm starting to feel bad for pulling him into this, my grieving over Max. I could have kept him in the dark and he wouldn't be feeling so bad now, but then I realize that that's the way he would have thought of it, and that kind of thinking doesn't suit me. I don't know. Like I said, confused. Predicament. Digging my own grave.

It's like I'm being haunted now, by two ghosts: the ghost of Max's presence and the ghost of Rob's affections.

Every day I die a little more, but never fast enough

2005-09-23T00:13:00.000-10:00

Don't ask about Max's death. I'm sure you want the details, the how and why, but I don't want to hear it coming out of my mouth anymore. It seems to be all I'm saying these days. Maybe I'll write it down later, maybe not.

I went back to pick him up today. Well, not him. His ashes. A white sandy substance that contains within it all the elements that make up a 3-pound, 5-year-old Himalayan dwarf rabbit. But that's not Max. It wasn't even really him I saw when I went to take Milli to see the body. Just meat and fur. I cried then because it was horrifying to look at him, and know at the same time that I'm not really looking at him anymore. I feel like I've misplaced something, or that something is lingering just outside of my peripheral vision. I feel like I've missed a chance at something that I can't quite define. I feel like I have to go look for him, but I also know that I'll never find him. It's frustrating and scary and sad. And it's very, very, very lonely. It doesn't really matter that I have friends and family and another rabbit. He was my one and only constant comfort, the magic pill for all my emotional illnesses, and now he's gone. Everyone else has my thanks and they've all been great, but I'm sorry, none of you are Max. And nobody ever will be. That's what's so lonely.

I called the first person I could think of when I got the news - really, the only one whose picture was appearing in my mind amid all the images of Max - and although I don't regret having called Rob at all, or his taking Milli and me back to the vet's, or having dinner with him afterwards, I will admit that now I'm sort of feeling the consequences, and they're not all pleasant. I am happy - warm and glowy happy, in fact - that he did that for me, that he was the one I wanted to be there for me at that time, and he was there. I knew, even as upset as I was, that if not for Max's death I may have gone for years without contacting him again; I may have even been able to cut all my ties once and for all. I knew that sharing such a painful experience would only make me feel closer to him, or completely crush me if he abandoned me (thank goodness he didn't). I knew the risks but I was willing to take them - after all, what did I have to lose anymore?

But two days later and I'm still crying. And not all of it, I notice, is over Max. I reopened some old, bad wounds with that phone call and I'm becoming more aware of the pain as desperation gives way to despair. I had forgotten that my relationship with Rob was for all intents and purposes just as dead as my son, albeit figuratively, and now I'm mourning for two. Now the being afraid that he'll abandon me again once I'm starting to get better is setting in. I can't take losing him again right after losing Max, but I don't want to force him to stay close to me if it's only out of guilt or obligation. But I never really lost my affection and trust for Rob; I realized that when he was the only one I could think of when I lost Max. However I got the impression today that he doesn't plan on seeing me or contacting me again, except as a customer. I suppose I could just ask, but my confidence in myself went with Max.

I'm digging my own grave here, I know it.

I wish there was some kind of emotional euthanasia.

Max is dead.

2005-09-20T21:17:00.000-10:00

Grim Prognosis

2005-09-20T12:23:00.000-10:00

Max was still sick this morning when I got up at 7. Called the vet. Called another vet. Called 4 vets and all of them wouldn't be able to see him today and wouldn't squeeze him in as an emergency. Either that or they wouldn't see rabbits at all. Called Bunnycares, which is a one-woman organization out here that educates people about house rabbit care and behavior. Cinde was a very nice lady who gave me the number of a rabbit specialist who was a little out of the way but he fit Max into his schedule after hearing about his symptoms.

Max could die at any time.

No, I'm serious. That's what he said. He had to take x-rays and pump excess gas out of his stomach, and Max was already suffering from hypothermia probably since last night. He thinks something is blocking his stomach but the x-ray images were too indistinct. Worse, I had to get my dad to drive me there, and he thought it was a tumor and implied that Max should be put down (he had my first bunny put down without telling me, for a leg injury not unlike my own broken arm). Rabbits can't vomit, so if something gets into their systems that's bad for them it can just sit there until they just die from shock. They don't even have to eat something unpleasant; things like this can even be caused by stress alone (kind of like me).

I feel like it was my fault. I know Max didn't eat anything like carpet fibers or some other inedible thing that only goats and Milli find appealing. But I've been so depressed lately, and I've been crying a lot in my room, even if I knew how much my crying upsets him (the sound at least makes him act very tense and high-strung). I knew he doesn't like it when I cry but I was too angsty or whatever to at least go do it somewhere else or tone it down or something. He's getting some emergency treatment at the clinic right now and I pick him up later this afternoon and continue treating him at home.

My sister had this dog that we found years ago in terrible condition. She was sickly and had been abused. She hated just about everyone except my sister, and after my sister went away for college, the dog was diagnosed with cancer. She was pretty old, too, so that led quickly to kidney failure. Her condition was pretty much untreatable, and she was arthritic and the cancer made it so she could barely keep any food down. She was in really bad shape and everyone was sure she was ready to go, but she absolutely refused to die until her special person came back and gave her permission. She waited three months for my sister and passed away only after she came back for summer break.

Max is like that dog. I know him well enough that I'm confident when I say that I don't believe he'll die unless somebody makes him or until I give him permission. And I can't lie, either; Max has always been able to tell when I'm not being honest. I don't believe he'll die from this. I couldn't take it if he did, the way things are, the way I am right now. I don't think Milli could handle it either. And I'm sure Max knows that.

He's one of only two people who has ever made me believe that I was truly loved and accepted just as I am. He's the only one of the two not to abandon me. I can't lose him, not now and not like this. I'd die, or most of me will.

I have to go and cry myself out all at once now. He'll be coming home this afternoon and he doesn't like it when I cry.

Max is sick

2005-09-20T02:18:00.000-10:00

So this is going to be short. Just FYI for everyone. He's trying to sleep right now, I think (it's hard to tell when your kid is a bunny and can sleep with his eyes open). He's running a fever, although he doesn't feel hot to me, but he keeps dipping himself in the water fountain, which will just make him catch cold (AC and fan are on a higher setting than usual) so I keep picking him up and moving him onto some towels on a cold pack on the bed, where it's easier to keep an eye on him and he won't get wet. Been giving him massages on his tummy and back (his upset stomach has made his back all tense, poor thing), filled the water fountain with mint tea, played his favorite music, and put a little vanilla-mint balm on his nose (aromatherapy) and ear tips (for a cooling effect). I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow at noon but if I have to I'll cancel it to take him to the vet. I'll wait and see if he's going to go 12 hours without pooping or eating (so by 10 am tomorrow). I have to go and pick him up out of the fountain again, will update later.

UPDATED 2:58 am: Irony strikes. I see the overworrying, coddling behavior of my grandmother is either inherited or just getting to me. Or maybe I'm just really scared of losing him. Max is annoyed with me and made it quite clear. He's in the litterbox now, where I can't reach in to grab him easily. I guess we've reached a compromise of sorts - he sleeps somewhere I can keep an eye on him that's NOT the water fountain, and I don't pick him up. Fair enough. (his intelligence amazes me. keep in mind that this arrangement was his idea) Since he's feeling okay enough to sulk, and he's at least drinking a little tea, I think I'll just turn down the fan and AC and get some sleep for now.

Mini-post: P.S.

2005-09-19T13:59:00.000-10:00

I felt miserable and depressed today. Haven't gone to class or really left my room. I'm still bottomed out emotionally, but I feel a bit better after reading what came out of my head in my last post. It's uplifting to know that something in here is still hopeful and optimistic. I almost feel like I'm ready to try, anything, again. Motivation, I've missed you.

But for now, I really need to get some more sleep.

Projectile Thought Vomit

2005-09-19T11:44:00.000-10:00

Because it just comes gushing out whether I want it to or not, like puke, or tears.

Thinking about various things this morning, since I went to bed at 4 a.m., cried about something that I can't quite remember, and then woke up again probably because of another anxiety in dream form a few hours later. Been up ever since. My back hurts. Had to do that thing again, the "exorcism" - if you forgot, that's when I start thinking about things nonstop and I have to remove them from my head by getting them out onto paper or some other visual format. If I can see them I don't have to keep cycling through them over and over mentally because they're solid and visible now and I don't have to worry about losing them.

So one of the things I thought about - actually got up and wrote down on paper - was the whole store thing again. Why, I wondered, am I so depressed by it? What makes it so special that leaving it hurts me so much? Because I found myself crying again after I woke up and my thoughts wandered towards that place and those people again and that's what got the wondering started. And I kind of spaced out, floated around it, and I realized. It was something I'd said before, actually. Maybe not here, but I've said it to people in conversation and stuff. It's more than a job to me, I said, I feel like I finally found someplace I belong. I could be myself and that wouldn't be grounds for automatic alienation. I was surrounded by people that for the most part would accept me. I was not, by a long shot, the weirdest or ugliest or most socially inept person there. I didn't have to pretend. I didn't have to be confused. I realized there that I wasn't a freak, and I wasn't alone in the world. I felt safe, content, normal, sane - I felt like what I was really was good enough, and because of Rob, I felt loved. "Home" had always been more of a state of mind to me, and I felt like I'd come home every time I walked through that door. Imagine feeling like that; imagine having that kind of feeling actually soaking all the way in, truly relaxing emotionally, for the first time in really your entire life.

Now imagine it breaking apart and falling through your fingers, never to be repaired.

And there you go.

. . . . .

I was thinking a little bit about people. Like that Roy and Maya thing yesterday. Just sat there and felt about them, instead of only thinking. I'm sure I don't hate them. I'm sure people will tell me I ought to, but I really can't. I mean, if I were them (and by that I mean if I really was Roy and Maya, and not just myself in their place), if I were them I'd be hateful too. After all, as Roy and Maya, I would feel that Chris stabbed me in the back - she wasn't the person we thought she was. She said as much herself. There's this whole scary side to her and we can't handle it, but she just forced it on us. She's got this conflict thing going with Rob. We equal conflict with hatred. We can't stay neutral on this. We have to take sides. We're going to side with Rob, because he's easier for us to understand, because we admire him. Besides, Chris scares all of us. She's not good for us or Rob. We need for her to leave...

That's how I think my feelings would go, if I was Roy and Maya; if I was only just out of my teens like them, if I was disillusioned with my dysfunctional parents like them, if I admired Rob because he's the first really cool grown-up I've ever met, and the first one I could really talk to. If I cohabited with my significant other in a fully-stocked room in my parents' house but haven't actually lived on my own, so of course I would still believe that I already was on my own. If all of my high school friends were moving away. If the store was a comfortable place for me too, like it is for Roy and Maya, then yes, it'd be totally understandable and reasonable for them to hate me and treat me like they did. Do. How can I hate anybody for being themselves? And yes, I realize that they pretty much hate me for being myself, but as far as I'm concerned that gives me even less reason to hate them for the same - it'd make me a hypocrite, and purposefully ignorant of my own sympathetic feelings, and therefore thoroughly deserving of their contempt. Circular logic, yes? And that's just stupid and it takes too much work. So why bother.

. . . . .

Aside: My grandmother is angry at everyone for "stabbing me in the back" but I don't really see it that way. They don't think they did so, why should I? I'm sure their intentions were good. Just adding this because she was going on about it when I went to use the bathroom.

Like Roy and Maya, I can't look at Rob in that (see above) way at all. Although in Rob's case there's far less logic involved. I don't hate him because I love him. I'm certainly able to hate him, but the same reasons that can drive me to hate can also turn into love so easily. Nathaniel Hawthorne made a really good point in The Scarlet Letter: Love and hate are very, very close - both require a very deep kind of intimacy, an involvement, a need to know as much as you can about the object of your love/hate. They're the Chang and Eng of emotion.

I made this whole rant/list thing on my other blog, all about the things, mainly the worst things, that I saw when I looked (mentally) at Rob. They are the same things I see in myself at my worst (since I can't ever truly understand any but myself, how can it be otherwise?). And oddly enough after going over all that, I found that I felt closer to him. I wonder if that's how it was from before. The things he hates about himself are the things I hate about myself, and it creates a kind of intimacy. Maybe that's what drove him to open up to me so much in the beginning, when he did and didn't know why. I love the things that are loveable about him, and I have to love (or at least accept) much of what I despise in him, or else I'll have to hate myself as well. Is this confusing? It's really hard to articulate. Let me sidetrack for a bit.

The only world that matters is my world. It has to be, because I can only inhabit my own body and think my own thoughts. All my perceptions will always be skewed by the filter of my self. It's the same for everybody (telepaths excepted). You can never totally understand anyone or anything else because you can never be anyone or anything else. You are always in first-person mode. Everything in the world exists in its own little bubble-world made of its own perceptions, thoughts, feelings, experiences, personality. Everybody has their own unique little miniverse that exists only in their heads. I'm not the first to think of this, by the way - Lao Tzu beat me to it centuries ago. But basically what I think this means for me and my social interactions, is that whatever I see in others is probably visible to me because it exists in myself; that is the only way I can know of it. So if I see something in others that unsettles me in any way (good or bad), I feel I should stop and take a good look at myself, too.

All this stuff with Rob has led me to become very introspective. Which is another reason I have this blog here. A regular journal, only read by myself, would be lacking in objectivity. It could backfire and I could end up sucked into my own little depressive vortex if I could ignore the presence of others.

I think I understand myself more now, for better or worse. I'm more willing to accept the good and the bad parts of myself, and therefore of others (I hope). I think I know where I made mistakes with Rob (can't be 100% sure as he's half the equation) and I'm ready to compromise and make corrections. I want to learn more about him. I want to be closer to him. For now I'd be fine with that. Whether that intimacy turns into love or hate, I can't tell, but either way I want to try. Just so I can know for sure. That alone would be worth it. Any chance at all to regain those feelings that I lost would be worth it.

Right now, this is what I really want. I'm sorry, but I can't give up on it just yet.

I told you that before I left and I still mean it.

Mind-spew

2005-09-19T01:03:00.000-10:00

A little bit of crying after I got home tonight. Feeling lonely. Unloved, I suppose. If you haven't figured it out yet from reading this, I'm pretty insecure. It's funny, I was, to use Jason's phrase, "born old." I didn't want anybody and I guess I was sure I didn't need them. Maybe I didn't push people away on purpose when I was a kid, but when they were gone I didn't really care, either. I remember visualizing my future, adult self for all those "what will you be when you grow up?" essays and crap that they kept throwing at you when you were in grade school. I imagined a happy future living in an apartment, or other small space, alone, with no human company. Just me and some pets (I remember thinking something small and quiet, like cats or something, as I had not yet discovered house rabbits), and a drawing table and art supplies. But no other people, I didn't think I'd want to live with other people when I grew up, then.

And here I am now. I age in reverse, mentally. I decided somewhere in my teens to cultivate that innocent, live-in-the-moment attitude that only "real" children supposedly possess. I've been going through a sort of selective regression ever since. Maybe I should have stopped it but at this point I seem to have gained too much momentum - I'll be hitting 30 soon and I'll be set in my ways, and if anything the way "normal," "mature" adults think and behave are still just a bit beyond my ability to completely understand. I can't justify living that way to myself. I mean the way my parents and grandparents and bosses and others tell me I should be - I can't throw myself into work that I find dull and meaningless, I can't see any value in money except for the emotional result of spending it, I can't feel good about putting my happiness on hold until some indefinite "later." I want to be happy now, but much of the world seems to tell me that it's wrong and selfish for some reason and I don't understand why. I'm not hurting anybody or anything by doing so - so why does everyone seem to discourage that kind of behavior? You know and I know that it pains me to hurt anyone, so of course I won't. Especially not for anybody's "own good."

God, I hate that phrase: It's for your own good. As far as I know, intentionally hurting someone never does them any good. If I think I can handle it, I'd rather turn the hurt on myself. I guess I'm sort of a martyr that way. It's not as great as it sounds. I think the passive-aggressive thing comes into play there - it's like, I'm not letting myself hurt only because I'm kind and want to spare someone else pain; there's a selfish reason too (isn't there always?). I hope the other person notices what I'm doing; I don't quite hide my suffering completely because I want someone to see it, to ask me what's wrong, to lessen the pain by inviting me to share it. It is, now that I think of it, one of the motivations behind my writing in this thing all the time.

I just realized I totally got off-point. I was supposed to go into how after all these years I've gone from a child with an aloof and independent personality more fitting for an adult, to an adult who finally came to the realization that she needs people - human people, that all these years she's tried so hard to embrace being alone because she was so afraid that that was how it was going to be for the rest of her life. But humans are scary creatures. They're selfish and weak and the vast majority of them will do all kinds of retarded mental acrobatics to convince themselves and others that they're not. They'll also hurt everyone else they can, even those they love, if it means they can avoid discomfort themselves. They can't help it, it's instinct. But I think they can take notice of it and accept it. Then they can work with it - it won't ever go away completely but they can at least... "tweak" it so that it doesn't interfere so much. Sort of like potty training. So many humans I meet aren't housebroken. I slip sometimes myself. But I'd like to think I try.

...Am I making sense at all? Sometimes I'm not sure if I am or not; being myself I can't exactly take an objective look at all the nonsense I spew out. I suppose I must make some tiny bit of sense here and there, or someone would have made arrangements to check me into a mental ward somewhere by now, right? Or maybe I'm already in one and this is all a delusion... (yeah right)

It's been a while

2005-09-18T13:23:00.000-10:00

I've been spending a rather inordinate amount of time crying. That and having nightmares, usually stuff that's not terrifying in a very fake way, but rather just the very real experience of "worst case" (but within reason) scenarios. I hate those, it's like you wake up feeling awful and wondering if that actually happened and you were remembering it or if it was just a dream. Anyway. So that's what's been up lately. Lots of not sleeping, quite a bit more crying than usual. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't even visit the store during Lance's shifts. I may have to give up on anime altogether.

What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Well the last two weeks that's what I did; visited during Lance's shift, hung out for a while. Maybe rented some anime, or bought something to read. Yesterday I ended up hanging out with Lance after he got off work, which was sort of fun. I say sort of because the friend he hung out with, although a nice, funny guy, also had a baby daughter who would not stop following me around, and you know how I am with kids. At least unlike female human parents, he didn't go forcing his kid on me while squealing over how it's the cutest thing on the planet and I must love it. 'Course I figure this isn't going to earn me any brownie points with Lance's friends (who adore the kid) and I ended up stuck in Waipahu when Bernice called about engagement ring shopping with Trish so I don't think I'll be spending any more time with Lance outside the store anytime in the near (or far) future. But really, that wasn't the bad part. The bad part came when I forgot to check the time and Roy and Maya came in. At least I have it confirmed that they haven't contacted me (or paid me back from the trip) because of some serious dislike (maybe outright hatred) towards me. They wouldn't look at me or speak to me until Lance was all like, "Hey guess who's here?" to which I got a brief "Hi" and nothing more. Maya wouldn't even do that much. Lance even started a conversation with Maya to which I added and got no response. It was pretty obvious what they thought of me - I might as well have had "Psychotic Slut" branded on my forehead. The disgust was palpable and I felt ashamed to even be there. Since yesterday I've seriously been thinking that Rob might very well react the same towards me - after all, just because I care about him, doesn't mean he has to feel the same.

Which is why I didn't call him when I got caught out in the rain with blisters on my heels from wearing my old sneakers, out at the top of the valley last night at around 1 a.m. I noticed that things were awfully bright outside around midnight last night - the moon was unusually bright and outside was as well-lit as if I was looking at a false dawn. Ultra-white moon with the rainbow halo around it and "Castlevania" clouds blowing around in the sky. It was all very dramatic and awesome and I thought that I just had to sneak out and go for a walk, so I did. Dressed up androgynously (which meant I duct taped the sharp bits in my old sneakers and put them on, bad idea), grabbed my phone and exacto knife (just in case) and headed out. There's this church way up on one of the highest points in the valley with a nice flat wall that you can sit on and look all the way down to the ocean on the horizon. I discovered it once when I think I said something unpleasant to Rob and wanted to apologize. Or something. I can't really remember but the weather was pretty bad. I couldn't find his house in the dark and didn't want to call so I just walked up the church, which was the only lit building, and sat on the wall. I could see all the storm clouds rolling in from the ocean and it was such a great view. That time and last night I wanted to call him, tell him to come out and look at this, but I didn't, and both times I got caught in the rain, too. Limped home last night in damp clothes with blisters on both heels, but at least I got pictures on my phone and I was in a slightly better mood.

Other related stuff from this week (randomly sorted): Too little sleep and too many nightmares made me feel too shitty to go to class Saturday morning. So I missed it. Lance and other people keep asking me if I'm okay lately; I've been told rather frequently that I look unhappy, stressed, sick, and other negative adjectives. Hell, Lance's friends, who I met for the first time yesterday, told me I looked depressed. My voice sounds very flat and monotone to me, not like my voice. Still feel very guilty and anxious about that application with the competing store. They're apparently hiring not just for Christmas but because they're taking over another retail space in the same building about 4 times the size of the current store. So this may end up being not a temporary position. I don't want to work there if they offer. But it's a job I'm almost guaranteed to get because of where I used to work. I'm also not the only one who thinks the owner there would call Rob as my reference just to spite him, and I really don't want that happening. I just don't like the thought of the whole thing. I want to apologize to Rob and everyone at the store for what feels like some kind of treachery.

Anyway, that's all I can think of for now. I'm sure I'm missing something, though - I'll try to remember to post tonight and add it in then. Long story short is I'm pretty goddamned depressed though. Yay.

The Curse

2005-09-15T23:13:00.000-10:00

I hate my periods. I really do. I didn't used to, but somehow lately (well - a bit longer than 'lately' at this point) I've become so unstable during that time of the month. It's like, a week or two before and I'm just spiraling down into a more depressing and anxious mindset, and then crash! - it's like I can't handle any stress like a sane person anymore and I'm bleeding on top of that. Everything scares me, everything worries me. I can't get myself out of bed. I find myself staring blankly at nothing for minutes at a time while depressing song lyrics and worries about home and work and school and phrases from the last thing I read go spinning through my head on endless repeat. I can't focus; I'm anemic, usually, from the blood loss but I hardly eat. I'm tense, restless, nervous, fatigued all at the same time. I cry when I'm alone; I need to hold onto or hug something or fidget with my hands. I pace. I rock back and forth. I talk to myself; or rather I have lengthy one-sided conversations addressed to whoever I wish I could talk to right now. I have nightmares, and new knots in my muscles give me aches and pains and pull my bones out of alignment. I am horribly insecure and on edge. I can't concentrate very well so I can't even remember the day before very clearly. I can't find my phone. No, wait, there it is. It feels like what I'd imagine going crazy feels like and it's all I can do not to go to the store and latch onto Rob and just break down crying because I realize that it would scare the bejeezus out of him.

I was reading in a magazine that emotional states or ways of thinking actually wear "grooves" into our brains, if we keep those things up regularly. And so it becomes easier for us physiologically to keep falling into those dangerous patterns, and they may get worse - or better, if it's a good pattern - the more they're used. I realize I've been involved with Rob now for quite some time - two years, at least. Crazy. That's a long time. Might explain why I still find myself so attracted to him despite being mistreated and ignored. Maybe I'm just used to being in love with him and now it's become a habit. Maybe it's not actually love anymore. I don't know! I can't even say for sure right now if I'm second-guessing myself because I'm more or less rational than I usually am. I don't know anything right now. No, I know that I want it to be love.

If you're reading this Rob, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't want you seeing me like this but I said I wouldn't lie in my blog or to you, and I won't.

I need to go to the UH clinic, I need to get on something for my period, I can't handle this.

Kelsey keeps rubbing up against me in class. I move to the side and he follows. He touches me or strokes my arm or my shoulder or leans against me and I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize he's doing that. I don't want to have to yell at him or push him away, especially not in class in front of everybody but he really makes me nervous. Hopefully most of that feeling will pass with my period. I mean I'll start stepping away and then suddenly his shoulder's on mine and he's just leaning on me and talking right up next to me and seriously, it's just... he's just turning into less of a friend and more of a complication right now. Only I'm sure he thinks he's being a friend, so I don't want to hurt his feelings either. See? Complication.

And I added him to my IM contact list. (sigh) Why did I do that? At least he's out most nights. I'm all tense now, having to think about this in order to write about it. Have to take more pain meds tonight before bed. Sometimes I think I'm going to have a breakdown of some sort, like I thought I would when Kerry and I were discussing getting divorced, and when Rob told me he loved me, and then again when Rob told me he didn't love me; and when I got fired, and when I quit, and when I told everybody else everything that had happened, and the way other guys look at me or hit on me when I really can't handle that right now - oh sure, I haven't had that breakdown yet, but I keep thinking that it gets more and more likely to happen. I wonder what it'll be like. Crying, I'm sure. Screaming, probably. Maybe I'll end up injuring myself. I hope I don't end up dying or hospitalized, that'd be inconvenient. For that matter I hope I don't hurt anybody else. I really can't handle this right now.

I mean, I really really can't handle this right now.

Is this what someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me has to look forward to? Being a caregiver to a sick little girl who half believes she has a fairy living in her head??

(deep breath)

I'm going to stop here now.

Mini-post

2005-09-14T00:31:00.000-10:00

I have to keep this short, because I have to leave early tomorrow. My sister's signed up for some new classes and since she already spends her lunch hour here she'll take me to campus with her but now I'll have probably less than an hour, as opposed to 2, to get ready and go. Then I'll have to kill time at the library or something until my class starts an hour and a half later. Guess I'll do homework.

Did not much today. Exchanged oversized tabi at Shirokiya. Paid off some bills. Went to Japanese dance class. Watched a lot of Japanese TV shows. Ate too much unhealthy food again (but I got my period just a little while ago so I'm hoping that all this weight gain was at least partially water retention or something hormonal).

Gwen (friend from the store) dropped off her copies of the Kaikan Phrase manga and in volume 9 I had to pause for a second because Sakuya (main male love interest) practically quoted Rob at one point: "You're so cute I can't help but tease you." Kyaa! Why am I always, always reminded of him?? (actually I know why...) In any case I think I got all blushy at the same time the girl in the book did. So embarrassing...

Missing

2005-09-13T00:22:00.000-10:00

Missing Rob. Missing the happy times I spent with him, especially missing how back then, I wasn't depressed most of the time. Missing my motivation. Missing having a little bit more of a routine every day (dull but at least it was easier to keep track of time). Missing having a good night's sleep. Missing my job at the store. Missing having coworker-friends. Missing anime. Missing having something better to do than watch TV. Missing having a waist and ass that fit into my goddamn pants. Missing the days when my grandmother wasn't getting on my back quite so much. Missing that long, long ago time when I actually didn't need to see a psychologist so much. Missing my focus. Missing my concentration. Missing living on my own, even if it wasn't ever technically "on my own." Missing love. Missing sex. Missing hugs and cuddling and mushy stuff. Missing being treated like an adult. Missing trust. Missing a source of income. Missing wandering around by myself. Missing feeling content. Missing direction. Missing self-esteem. I miss a lot of things.

Down again. Down whenever I'm left alone, or left at home with nothing to do but clean up a mess I know I didn't make or comfort myself with food (I usually opt for the second and that's why I'm getting fat). Rained tonight and I sort of had this urge to go for a walk in it, but eventually just stayed where I was, on the chair in front of the TV. Whatever happened to my ability to take risks? I couldn't even walk in the rain at night. My sister's car was right behind Rob's at the intersection to the main road today and I wanted to wave at his rearview mirror and I didn't (he looks like he's lost some weight. Lance did. is everyone at the store losing weight while I get fatter?). I dropped off my resume at a place I don't really want to work at, because others told me I should get a job soon. I don't argue with anybody anymore, even if they're wrong. I see this from the inside and it's sad. If I was looking at myself from the outside I'd want to slap me for being so weak-willed. I hated myself in high school for being like that and now I've gone back. When did this happen? How can I make it un-happen again?

And then sometimes I find myself just too tired to care. Not physically tired, just... "emotionally tired" I guess. Like I'm too tired to put up the effort of feeling things or throwing myself into things emotionally. I guess it makes sense in a way, because my emotional side really is pretty atrophied from so much lack of use when I was a child and I know falling in love with Rob just overwhelmed my ability to control it. Maybe after getting overused my emotions are achy and fatigued and don't want to move anymore. But there's an awful dullness, and an annoying restlessness, left behind.

Things still make me happy. But it's only the small kind of happy, usually. The kind you find in a funny joke, or eating delicious food, or petting a bunny*, or getting something neat in the mail. It's kind of shallow, and lasts only as long as the indulgence. Basically, it's not happiness, it's a kind of hedonism. And it's not very satisfying. And it's making me fat.

*I love my bunnies, but here I refer to just the act of petting them, because they're soft and fuzzy. It actually makes me feel much more loved when they just hang out with me of their own accord.

Things used to seem so clear. They're still there, sort of poking me in the brain every once in a while to remind me that the thoughts and feelings and beliefs still exist in their original state. But it's hard to believe in what I used to when there isn't any feedback or proof. When it seems like nobody else agrees with me or believes me. I guess if I still had faith left that would make up for it... but I just said "if." Another thing I'm missing, or rather, misplaced. I mean, I know it's here somewhere but I can't... access it when I need it right now.

Guilt guilt guilt

2005-09-11T23:35:00.000-10:00

Have a mild guilt-ache right now. Not like I'm consumed with it or anything, but just sort of... it's like having a beanbag sitting on top of your head. Just little tiny presences that remind me that it's there, but don't rub it in or anything. One is the TNJ thing. I turned in my resume on Saturday, so I guess we'll see where that goes - I figure the owner will either see the name of my last place of employment and that will either make him decide that he must have me, or else he'll assume that I'm a spy from his "rival." But Annie was certainly right when she said that they don't see many girls there, the way the guys working there looked at me when I asked if they were hiring. Eww. But yeah, I still feel guilty about applying. And I'm still feeling that connection to the store, and I guess from there to Rob (how can I not when I keep running into people that remember me from there?). The other, much more minor guilt, is this whole "sleeping early" thing. I haven't been (isn't that obvious with the post time?). Grandma's been making take valerian all the time too, but in my opinion it's not very effective as either a sleep aid (I'm still up aren't I?) or muscle relaxant (I'm also covered with Salonpas). All it seems to do is make my fingers smell funny after I touch the pills.

Saturday was Bernice's birthday, so we went out to dinner at a restaurant we hadn't tried before (and I had a coupon) - Hiroshi's Eurasian Tapas at Restaurant Row. Guess who was the host that seated us? It was Owen, who is this friend of Rob's I think from high school, and who used to hang out at the store once in a while. I'd already run into him on and off on campus (see what I said earlier?). Anyway so we tried some stuff - a nonalcoholic pomegranate cream soda which was super super tasty, and some tapas to start. I think we tried some kind of crispy skinned fish tofu thing which was very nostalgic for me, as it was flavored very much like the steamed fish served at my (big island) grandma's house every New Year. I also tried foie gras (goose liver) for the first time as a nigiri sushi-style thing - tasty unagi-esque sauce, and the liver was... squishy. Blandish and with this thick paste-like texture, although the burnt bits on the outside was tasty (but probably more for the being burnt than being foie gras). I was not especially impressed by my first taste of "garbage animal parts that rich people eat" but the dish was good overall. We also got complimentary crisped rice (as in the smashed rice fried on a griddle) which was nice and salty and went with an aioli (whatever that is) dip. Our entrees also featured fish, which seemed to make up most of the menu; we split our dishes up like the other tapas. I had ordered some sort of fish served crispyfied somehow (what? I'm not a good cook so I can't describe these things) with crispy potato bits and potato noodles and all covered with miso cream sauce. Mmm, that was tasty. Bernice's order was similar to the other fish thing we'd ordered earlier. Steamed something with... something. Obviously it wasn't too memorable for me. Meal finished off with cream puff assortment, which was okay but a bit full of fruit chunks for my taste (and no cream, what a gyp!). Overall it was pretty good, and the service was good, waiter was a friendly guy and Owen was nice enough to recalculate and split our check after I forgot to give him the coupon right away. And that pomegranate cream soda just kicked ass. I'd totally go back just for that.

Still getting scolded on a daily basis for not cleaning up all the stuff stored in the indoor and outdoor patios, and my room. Don't know where to start and the motivation really isn't there. Scolding doesn't help, and neither do my grandma's other attempts at "help" like making me eat certain foods or at certain times, or forcing herbal "sleep aids" down my throat and checking on me at night. I know deep down that I'm not as okay as I seem on the surface or even a bit deeper down, or at least I do when I'm not second-guessing myself and thinking that maybe I really am just lazy and selfish and using depression as an excuse to sponge off of everyone. Okay, maybe I just don't know. I can't concentrate enough to settle on one idea. That's gotta mean something, right?

Oh, while we're on the subject of guilt, here's another thing I've felt guilty about - I hadn't told anybody, but I actually did contact Rob, once, in the beginning of August or so. I wrote him a letter - actually I wrote two, and the first one never got sent. The letter that I did send didn't say much of anything: Hello, how are you, how are your cats, just thought I'd let you know I'm still alive, I'm going to class and making some jewelry and planning my online store, I'm not exactly okay now but at least I'm still optimistic, love Chris - maybe not exactly in that order, but that was it. So now I've got that off my chest, and let the scoldings commence. I feel awful that I was such a weakling, a sentimental sap, a selfish child, for feeling as if I had to send that letter. In some ways it made me feel better, but in others it made me feel worse - especially since I wasn't expecting (and didn't get) a reply, so really, I can't tell if the letter just convinced him that I really am a psycho, or just the opposite, or what. Although it's been long enough since I sent it that that worry has mostly dissipated.

In many cases the reason I feel so angry with myself over the things I do - or did - because of that man is that what I did was so damned like a woman. "Woman" pronounced like exasperated men say it, with the italics and the exclamation point - "woman!" I don't exactly know why, but I don't like thinking of myself in that way. I guess I'd like to think I'm above all that disgusting, stupid, girlish, weak, emotional femininity. I'm quite sure I was, at one point. Now I'm... I don't know what. I don't exactly hate it, but I don't really respect it much either, sometimes. Confused. My man-brain looks with contempt upon my wussy girl emotions. Doesn't help that my weight gain is making my boobs and hips bigger so now I'm actually looking more like a woman! to myself. This is the stuff eating disorders are made of, I think (don't worry, I'm far too lazy and hedonistic to give myself an eating disorder).

A little drama going on here in bunnyworld. Sudden upsurge in affection from Milli, don't know why but it's darn cute (and destructive to my pajamas). Happy spit puddles and grooming holes in all my jammies, and grooming my hair and hanging out on the bed with me in the mornings - she even lets me pet her more often! Max does not seem to like it if he sees me petting her and sometimes is either overly cool or aggressively affectionate towards me. I guess he's getting a little jealous; not feeling like he's the baby anymore. Poor thing, I'll have to spend more quality time with him I think - not home as much as I'd like since grandma's nagging has gotten worse.

Going to bed now, since nobody's on anymore and I'll just be woken up if I try to sleep in tomorrow. Wondering why I keep on caring about people even if they stop treating me nicely. It's not something I tell myself I will do. Stupid like that I guess. Always the same conclusion. But I am feeling a bit like the little mermaid (the original non-Disneyfied one). Well, maybe less single-minded and quite a bit more frustrated.

Mini-post: Itai

2005-09-08T23:57:00.000-10:00

Ow. My back is killing me. Shoulders, too. So much for the valerian and chamomile tea that grandma forced on me - they're supposed to be muscle relaxants and the first one is supposed to be a sedative (note that I was supposed to be passed out over an hour ago). Got another paycheck from UH - I guess they came later than I'd thought. Well, not gonna argue with more money. Depositing that tomorrow, and I guess I can go inquire at the library and that other store about a job. Stop by the store and say hi to Lance.

Ate at Yotteko-ya today. Kakuni ramen. Great stuff. Ate ramune candy too.

Failed advice of my therapist today, which was to get to bed by 10:30 - oops. I guess I'll have to start tomorrow then. She encourages my getting onto a "normal" sleep schedule (while admitting that humans actually need to sleep in the middle of the day - such a normal person thing to do) since it'd facilitate... something. I better go stock up on caffeinated stuff, I'm going to need it. And here I kept Trillian off so that I wouldn't talk to anyone and go to bed earlier (well, midnight is earlier than I've been sleeping lately).

Passive-aggressive

2005-09-08T01:54:00.000-10:00

I think that's what I am. Wait, let me look up the definition... Yep, that'd be me. Pulled some passive-aggressive stuff today with grandma, after she was hounding me over eating all this stuff she bought me (without me asking her or her asking me). So I said, fine, I'll eat it all, right now, and did. Just got a big glass of water and binged like one of those guys in those eating contests - I think I gulped down the following in about 30-45 minutes. Almost a whole apple, mac salad, rice, fried chicken (the chicken was the leftovers I had planned to eat for lunch anyway) and then when I looked ill afterwards she got on my case about how soda or ice cream would settle my stomach so then I chugged an entire can of strawberry soda and ate a bowl of ice cream (rocky road). You can imagine how much better I felt after that (that was supposed to be sarcastic). So then grandma starts panicking a little and insists I take something to settle my stomach. Her suggestion: peppermint, which would make sense if not for the fact that the only peppermint we had on hand was an ingredient in a package of cookies, which she was trying to get me to eat. So then I have to go to class with a disgustingly distended and upset stomach, and since I had to eat all that I didn't get a chance to clean the litterbox before I left (not that I'd be able to without puking, after all I ate).

At least the rest of my day was okay. Worked on my egg-hot glue-toothpick thing in art class, and then after class it was discovered that the mountainside had caught fire right across the street from my campus (!!!) so I got to do some rubbernecking while waiting out the resulting traffic jam.

Debating some things. Job and medication. Grandma's been getting on my case a lot to get back to work - she called the library on "my" behalf today to inquire about an opening. I suppose I could check on that TNJ thing too. The second thing is the medication. Thinking of maybe getting a psychiatrist referred to me from my current psychologist. My grandma's been pushing for a quick solution (she seems to be convinced that I'm better than I actually am) and so have my annoying aunts (Bev and Loretta); also my parents still don't know that I'm totally unemployed or that I decided to get counseling, so I'll have to hurry up and appear all normal and shit before they decide to "help" me like my grandmother's been. I know Prozac hasn't been getting rave reviews lately but maybe what I need to become "passable" right now is a heavy dose of something that's going to force me to be happy and motivated all the time. Hell, wouldn't be much different than being around my relatives anyway, now that I think about it.

It's all very depressing.

I just keep getting fatter and more depressed.

Learned something new

2005-09-07T01:41:00.000-10:00

Today we learned how to properly put on a yukata in Japanese dance class. It was very useful - I found out what I was doing wrong when adjusting my hem on the yukata, and why the foldy bit always came out wrinkled and puffed out. Also learned a slightly different method of tying the obi, so that the bow is nice and perky and can be adjusted into a cute butterfly shape. Learned to fold everything properly afterwards, too, so they don't wrinkle.

On a side note, my room smells awful. I forgot to clean up the litterbox over the weekend and I think they're peeing in other places, or the litter's just not soaking up the smell, or something, but it smells terrible in here. I need to clean that thing up very very soon (unfortunately I'll have to sleep with the smell tonight since it's late and my trying to clean it up at this hour means I'll wake up my grandma and have to deal with all the toads and roaches that come out in the yard at night). In the meantime I am spraying a crap-ton of air freshener stuff. Mmm, artificial apple smell.

Other things that happened today: bought tabi for my class, but the sizing chart at Shirokiya wasn't very helpful - my feet are floating in the ones that are supposed to be my size. I'll have to take those back at some point. Also, my Rio Grande catalogs came in! They've added more silver clay stuff, but unfortunately they've gotten rid of the heart-shaped lockets, so some of the ideas I had for those will have to be adapted or set aside (or I can learn how to make my own hinges and clasps somehow but that seems too much like work).

Today I also realized that football season is coming up. Mainly because my grandma bought more crackers to go with my craft fair dip and the only kind they have now has a special football design engraved into each cracker. I myself could not care less about football, but on the other hand Rob is pretty fanatic about it (not enough to show up at games naked or anything, thank god). I guess what this means is that a reconciliation with him and the store is probably not in the stars right now - he has little tolerance for anything not football-related during this time of year, and I'm probably one of the farthest things from "football-related" in existence. My relation to football is that I don't care for it very much, and I think there was a Superbowl that happened on the same weekend as my birthday, or my brother's birthday (or somebody's birthday), once. I ate potato skins with cheese and bacon and stuff on it. I like potato skins, if that has anything to do with football...

Yes, yes, I know, I'm obsessing over him again. I'll stop now.

Although it reminds me (mention of obsessing) that I have to get to work finishing up that "list of characters" in my personal drama for my therapist. A lot has happened in the past month or so, and she's going to be super lost without some kind of reference.

Talking to Matt, and this past Saturday came up. Realized I actually can't remember what I did on Saturday. This sort of worries me.

Mini-post: There's probably a word for this

2005-09-05T00:41:00.000-10:00

It has been remarked on several times that I become extremely happy when eating sweets and other delicious food, no matter how bad I am feeling. I guess it's true. Now that I think about it, it's not just good food that makes me happy, though - I like things that smell nice (why else would I give in and buy a $45 bottle of Fresh Sugar?) and things that feel nice (especially soft and fuzzy things - but dead animal fur is creepy - oh, and sex, of course) and there are sounds I like, like songs or bells or music boxes or purr-ey sounds... and obviously I like looking at things that are pretty or cute or fascinating (such as being shiny). Hmm, I guess I'm just more easily amused than some. But I figure, that's typical, right? I mean, doesn't everybody like things that appeal to their senses?

I read a lot of shoujo manga

2005-09-04T23:02:00.000-10:00

Did nothing - or at least very little - today. They were marathoning that show "24" on TV today so I watched a bunch of episodes. I'm not sure how many - a whole bunch. And then suddenly I realized it was getting dark, and I fed some of the stray kitties that hang around the house, and I ate some stuff, and took a shower and... well, here I am.

Was thinking about the concept of couples doing stuff together. Was just talking on the phone about how that was one of the problems Kerry had, dragging me along every time to every event that interested him, never mind if I was interested or not. And I had been thinking earlier that that had been a problem with me and Rob, too. I made the awful mistake of taking him to that movie screening, which he hated (crowds) and he took me to a few events that I would rather have missed (some movies I didn't like, and a couple of evenings spent hanging out with his friends and their families). I guess it's a mistake that a lot of couples make; I can certainly see why. I mean, you love someone, and you want to share all the things that make you happy with the one you love. Sometimes you forget to stop and check whether or not it'll make them happy too.

I think a good "happy medium" (tho I haven't tested this personally - yet) is to be interested in what the other person does. This kind of builds off of the fact that when you love someone, you want to know more about them. So maybe, if you can't enjoy your loved one's interests the same way he/she does, and vice versa, you can both take an interest in each other's interests, if you get my drift. It was something woefully missing from Kerry's side of our relationship, and something I was just starting to work on with Rob before I decided to leave. See, in the former case, I would be interested in why Kerry liked gaming so much. It was interesting to hear about, and made good conversation material. Unfortunately, he took very little or no interest in the things that I did, so after a while it got to where I was tediously trying to listen to him talking about himself for hours, with nowhere to really say anything more than, "Mm-hmm, I see."

In the latter case - Rob - I tried to keep some kind of conversation going between us after he'd reached that point where he wouldn't bring up anything besides work-related stuff (despite what he claimed then, we did used to talk about other things besides work). Rob was developing a total hard-on (only figuratively, I hope) over pro wrestling. So I'd ask him about it, try to bring it up in conversation. I have never found wrestling particularly entertaining or cool, ever, but I really was pretty interested in what the hell he found so neat about it, and I loved watching his enthusiasm over it. Same thing with his comic books and action figure customizing, really. Unfortunately in this case, Rob eventually met my show of interest with suspicion. Why, he'd ask, was I so interested in talking to him about something I obviously didn't like? I think I told him something not quite the truth, too, because I thought that the real answer would come out sounding too "stalker-esque" (since he'd kept going on at the time about how much I shouldn't be attracted to him). Blah... Okay, so I guess I did personally test that approach out before, but in both cases what was missing was a mutual interest.

So, yeah, that's my thoughts on how to keep doing all the fun things you love, without forcing it on the person you love, and using it to stay close. I don't know if it's something that could really work between a couple or just an overdose of comic-book-induced idealism, though (but I like to believe the latter can become the former in any case).

Tomorrow, or technically today, is/will be Labor Day, so I have the day off from school. We're all meeting for lunch at another dim sum restaurant downtown - I don't remember the name, but the building has got distinctive gargantuan gold dragons and flowers and shit crowning the facade, like some kind of temple for the god of orientally-themed kitsch. I have my sense of taste back for the most part, so I am looking forward to this.

Mini-post: I stand corrected.

2005-09-03T10:19:00.000-10:00

Apparently I have not had my space removed from Roy's site, or at least, it wasn't done by Roy. Plugging "www.ezbkovnstudio.com" in to my browser takes me to this page - the account seems to have been suspended. So I stand corrected, and rather embarrassed, and quite apologetic. Sorry for jumping to conclusions. I am a stupid, flawed hoo-man animal.

Oh, yeah, and I stopped by the store yesterday and hung out with Lance for a couple hours. Things went well; Bob stopped by (he's this really nice, cheerful gay guy that's very down to earth) and we talked. Both thought that holiday temp work at TNJ would be kind of neat but also given the way the message was delivered, to proceed with caution and do some research first. They also, besides being the total opposite of angry at me, hoped for the best with me and Rob and the rest of the store - they missed those happy times when everyone was all friends, and Bob said that a "friendship" like Rob's and mine was totally worth trying to salvage (Bob is very observant and I have no doubt he noticed something).

Well, class is out, so I'm gonna go.

What is this weather, and what is this darkness?

2005-09-01T23:16:00.000-10:00

All I do is eat and sleep. Getting fat. Okay, not actually FAT fat, but I'm obviously gaining more weight than I ever have before. Things that fit just a few weeks ago don't. Measured myself and I've gained 2 inches at bust and waist, and one in the hips (but my ass is noticeably larger, which explains the inability of my pants to get past them). I sleep too much, too. Crashed on the chair in the living room this afternoon. Considering sneaking out and going for a walk through the neighborhood, but there's only so many well-lit streets I can walk on and one of them will lead right past Rob's house. I'm going out of my way to NOT seem like I'm stalking him so I guess I'll have to forget that and either brave the other well-lit but more heavily trafficked streets or just spend the evening sitting on my expanding ass in front of the computer. You can guess which option I went for.

Debating visiting the store tomorrow, since I have to go to the bookstore and see if they actually can find my textbook this time (last time I checked I was told that the class didn't have a textbook). It's close by and I may have to stop at the pharmacy in the area anyway (more on that later). Thing is I have a bad feeling that even if I'd be going in on Lance's shift, I'll be barging in where I'm not wanted. Unwelcome. I can't shake the fear that nobody there considered me enough of a friend to even miss me - that they're even happy that I'm gone, maybe even happy at the thought that I might be miserable or dead someplace. I mean, if they wake up every day happy that that psychotic, annoying bitch is out of their lives, who am I to waltz in and ruin that happiness? Erin talks about having "worst possible scenario" type dreams, and I'm the same - I dream of stopping short right outside the door just as my "friends" announce that it's been over a month since "that bitch" has gone, and maybe if they're lucky I'll never come back. Sometimes in my dream I'll walk through the door anyway, and be met with glares and shouts. I'll be ignored or have profanities shouted my way, or told coldly that I've been banned, or just physically grabbed and thrown out on my ass while they laugh at me. Well, I suppose there's only one way to find out for sure, right?

Grandma's convinced that she's the direct cause of my depression. I tried to explain that that's not how it works, but she's more apt to listen to my aunt or her sister. The worst part is that she's trying to fix everything, even if she hasn't really done all that much. And her trying to help me is actually making things worse. Like today, she was determined to "help" me get to sleep at a normal time, never mind that that kind of sleep schedule isn't what's healthy for me, in my opinion. First I got a lecture about how I wasn't trying hard enough to sleep properly, or how it was Kerry's fault for causing me undue stress. Then after I fell asleep on the chair, she got all apologetic, blamed her earlier actions, and tried other things like foot rollers and tea (delivered to me while I was in the shower, for chrissake - promptly dumped down the drain) and... jesus, it just got on my nerves. I'm considering just taking the sleeping pills she suggested to make her shut up and quit bothering me, although in my experience those things cause me to wake up hung over, so I'll probably have to pick up some caffeine pills to counteract the sleeping pills, and then I'll probably be really really fucked up after a couple of days, but hopefully I'll have made a point. Hey, it's better than disappearing and living on the street for a few days, which was something else I'd considered (compared to at home, it'd almost be like a vacation - think of it as 'urban camping').

I feel really bad for being such a burden on everybody. It's like I can't allow myself to be left alone for too long - when I'm with people, I'm okay, but when I'm alone, I'm just this quivering mass of misery and anxiety. All I do is eat and sleep, and I kind of do the other stuff like bathe and change my clothes but it's sort of "on autopilot." I'm starting to almost understand how it might feel to be catatonic, that aware-but-disconnected feeling. The idea of lying in bed until I waste away to nothing seems peaceful and appealing compared to getting out of it and doing all that other stuff. I suppose in that case, it's a good thing that I live with a meddling grandmother - sometimes the only thing that keeps me from doing that is knowing that she'll come in and get me, or call for help if she finds my door locked and me unresponsive. I wonder, if I lived alone, would I have already reached that point? Will I always need someone to stay with me, to make sure I don't end up hurting myself?

I eat a lot these days but I really don't taste very much of it. I'm trying to, I really am. I really appreciate going out for dim sum last night, and although I remember the aquariums at the restaurant, and the way the food looked, I'm sorry but I can't quite remember anything tasting good. I only vaguely recall the things that tasted bad, or bland. I suppose it's pretty good that I can still remember the texture of the food, but still... when my senses are stifled like this, the lack of sensation brings its own depressions and fears, and back again to worries of catatonia...

Mini-post: IM rant

2005-08-31T01:13:00.000-10:00

Had an IM discussion with Matt that started off with me talking about wanting to visit the store again. Turned to a list of notable bad events taking place in fairly recent history and then, well... read it for yourself (edited into a more coherent paragraph with notes):

"...They (previously mentioned events) ARE all linked by the fact that I'm being completely fucked over while someone else profits from having gained my trust (this sentence originally came at the end). I guess it seems sort of unfair - like somebody besides me should suffer. I always end up taking it up the ass. I wouldn't feel so bad if it (ie. thing with Rob) was an isolated incident; the shittiest part is that I should be more bitter. I shouldn't be so hopeful or optimistic anymore, and for some reason I still am - I still want to trust people. I mean, what's wrong with me? It's not that I haven't learned; I know people are shitty and selfish and underhanded. I mean Kerry is like that too, to some extent - the way he still expects people to cover for him. But in his case he's not learning; he doesn't remember that he messes up. But in my case... I don't know. I really really don't know."

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's true - I don't feel as if I'm nearly as bitter and angry as I feel someone who has been treated as I have should feel. It's there, sure, but it's not as deeply imbedded as I would expect it to be. I'm still scolded for being too trusting. I still find myself thinking optimistic and hopeful thoughts. I still for the most part think that the world is a wonderful place and that the people I put my trust in are still my friends. The anger and the bitterness are what feels contrived, almost - like I need to build myself up to it. Aaargh, I don't know - maybe I really am just stupid. Any takes on this?

Dim Sum

2005-08-30T22:55:00.000-10:00

I am psyched about dim sum. Erin and Jase wanted to have dim sum sometime with everybody, and it was settled that we'd go after 10 for some late night Chinese tomorrow. Yay! First, I don't usually get to sneak out of my house late at night, and second, I've never had dim sum before, or at least, never gone to a restaurant that specializes in it (I hear there's carts). I don't really know what's in dim sum, but the pictures look cute and I'm all up for cute carbs! Besides, there'll be two actual Chinese people in the group (Jase and Bernice) so they can eat whatever I don't like, heheh. Here's some more things to get you psyched for dim sum too: DIM SUM ICONS! The little pixely foods are so cute, and tasty looking.

Speaking of food it occurs to me that I am eating quite a lot these days. I've got some shirts that are made of non-stretchy materials like satin and silk, and they're fitting pretty tight. One of them I just bought at Anime Expo and already I can't zip it all the way up!

Watched The 40 Year Old Virgin today, before I went to class. It was quite good, actually, and nothing at all like American Pie or Harold & Kumar or any of those other sophomoric shocker/slapstick titles (I hate American Pie, although H&K was okay). Anyway, the movie wasn't like that - actually it reminded me some of Office Space, maybe it was the way the characters were written. In fact I'd say the movie was aimed at an older audience, like, my age or thirtysomethings that can empathize - the main characters reminded me a lot of Rob and his friends, actually, right down to the action figure collection and video games. Oh, and a most unexpected product placement really got me. Awesome. Somebody there has got good taste.

Egh. Kerry's messaging me. I gotta go make small talk.

Some things that fell out of my head

2005-08-29T21:58:00.000-10:00

This subject came up (or rather is ongoing as of right now) with Erin on IM. My "other side," the side of me that wrote the first paragraph in yesterday's post, the one that gets angry and filled with despair and cries sometimes. The side that so horrifies or repulses the people I trust enough to show it to. That fact in itself is so very depressing. Do you know what I want, when I get upset, or sad; when I start to cry and can't stop? I just want you to be there for it. I don't want you to solve it or make it stop - just be there while I ride it out. Don't pull away from me like my skin's falling off or something. It's the last thing I want. Please, please, just accept it. Accept me - because that's what it is, it's still me being myself; just a side most people don't see. And they don't see it because I can't trust them to accept it. I show you because I trust you. Please don't disappoint me.

More anxiety added to the mix. Kelsey's falling for me, he's said pretty much exactly that to Erin, who felt the same "vibes" I mentioned that I felt in that earlier post. I don't need this; I really don't. The age difference is certainly a little bit of a concern, but not too much; it's more the idea of getting involved with Kerry's friend, who's also the childhood friend of Kerry's current girlfriend, that really just makes me go "ohh, shit no!" That, and I'm just. not. attracted. to him. that way. Sorry.

"Sorry..." I wish I could apologize to Rob. Drove past the store on the way home today and saw him standing in there doing something (not close enough to see what). But I had such an urge to say something to him... look him in the eyes, hold him, apologize or, or... say something. Not entirely sure what. I know I regret being somewhat insensitive to his boundaries, like with the movie premiere I dragged him to - I didn't understand those boundaries at the time but now I'm more familiar with his limits and I'd like to learn more about him, and them; I'd be happy to respect them in future, and I hope he has a similar interest in me. Something like that. I don't know. I think I need to... run this feeling through a few more filters, first.

Stomach hurts. Egh. Eating habits are totally off these days. I just kind of stuff my face with whatever crap's on hand whenever I feel like it. Need to stop that. And speaking of which... I'm hungry again. Hmm... grilled cheese sandwiiiiiich....

New Emotional Low

2005-08-28T22:17:00.000-10:00

Fell asleep at some point and woke up feeling nothing. Just this void where any sort of feeling or sentiment would be. I don't know if a bad dream triggered it or what, but I just suddenly felt myself horribly depressed and wanting to die, and for the first time truly not caring at all if I did or didn't. I guess luckily for me I also felt no motivation to do anything whatsoever and just sort of lay there for a while. After I don't know how long I started feeling things again: guilt, and as if I was just this horrible burden to everyone, and sort of a vague fear, and again that feeling as if I don't belong or wasn't wanted anywhere. Which didn't help that urge to just die. For a while I really believed nobody would care, that nothing was worth living for - the bunnies never even entered my thoughts at all. Eventually some part of my brain that still functioned somewhat normally started telling me to get up, close the windows, turn on the AC, and take a shower. At some point I actually managed to do that, although in retrospect it seems as if someone else had done all that. And then I guess because it's where I usually break down and cry alone, once I was in the tub with the water running, that's what I did. Took me a minute to realize that was what I was doing. It was scary, realizing that I'd reached some point where I actually believed that I had nothing left. I'm sorry I didn't call anybody. I kind of wanted to, to talk to someone but I didn't know who, or what I'd say. I might have just made small talk and avoided the actual problem altogether. And part of that empty feeling included a feeling of having no friends left. It's kind of like that feeling I get when I'm alone in a closed room. Sometimes I'm a little scared of opening the door, because I'm afraid that while I've been in there, where I couldn't see out, that the rest of the world has disappeared - that I'll step outside only to find that there is nothing else that exists outside myself and that room. Silly, isn't it? Like something you'd be afraid of if you were a little kid, not a grown adult well on her way to 30, but it's actually a rather recently developed fear.

I don't know if I'm getting better or worse. Maybe it's still the same, or maybe it's worse and I'm just getting better at covering it up. Times like this I realize how little I've changed since I was a really little kid; or rather, how much I've gone back to being that way - there was a time in grade school, before I'd made any real friends, where I think I was more like an old lady than a little girl, and then, I guess I started my regression after that. And now when I'm all alone in my room on my bed staring at the ceiling, arms wrapped around a pillow, it occurs to me that I'm pretty much just like I was in my memories of my three year old self. Have I made any progress in all the intervening years? I'd like to think so...

I suppose that's why I've never really been very inclined to bring up my childhood during therapy sessions - what's there to describe, really, when I was more or less exactly as I am now, but in miniature? I've turned into almost exactly the adult I'd imagined I'd be when I was asked to visualize it in preschool. It's really weird and Twilight Zone-ish (a show I used to love watching as a kid, as well as The Addams Family. my childhood taste in television actually probably explains a lot about me). I mean, you know how when you're a kid, you tend to imagine adulthood as being yourself, but bigger...?

Anyway, at least I'll finally be getting back to regular sessions with the therapist. Got my confirmation of insurance coverage and left a message at her office. She was nice enough to let me hold off on paying for my last (not covered by Quest) appointment, and will try and get my insurers to cover it retroactively. I think I need, if not medication, at least more regular therapy. I do prefer myself when I'm the good kind of crazy that I am at my best, and not... like today. A lot has happened since my last appointment, and I'll have to recap everything for her. Given the amount of drama and all the people in their overlapping circles that are involved, I'll probably need to type up a "character guide" of some sort, so I'd better get started.

That Adorable Insanity

2005-08-28T00:08:00.000-10:00

Milli loves me! Took a nap this evening, around sixish? sevenish? whenever it was I got home after the zoo thing, and felt a fuzzy, bunnish, not-Max mass hop on the bed and stretch out right next to my leg. And then cuddle. Aww! It was Milli! She was leaning against me the whole time and it was soooo cute! As for Max, he's always preferred lying down where he can see me, so he was stretched out on the floor parallel to me (he likes to do what I do, so when I go all flat, so does he). My personal cute-ometer is overflowing.

Going over my day in reverse again. So before the nap I was hanging out at Erin's place for a little bit, while she picked up Jase and they got ready to go back into town to meet Alton guys for a bon dance. Semi-fell asleep on their futon-couch thingy in the living room. Girlie snuggled up next to me for a while (aww). Took stuff for my headache, which was caused by the new knots in my neck, which was caused by lugging around my backpack and books all day through the zoo. Hung out at the zoo with a bunch of Kawaii Kon forum people, about half of whom I knew, including Erin, Kelsey, Eric, Robyn, and Alex and Jon (who I played D&D with when Eric was DMing). Met some others, like the hyper Hannah, who seemed to hit it off with Erin pretty much right away. Walked all over, took pictures of animals, got to see some adorable meerkats (they just mug for the folks looking), a cheetah (specifically a boy cheetah, and we know this because he decided to mark a tree right in front of us), giraffes, assorted reptiles, some interesting birds, and a tiger playing with scaled-up kitty toys (aww). Ate at the new and improved zoo concession area, which now has nice covered tables and a regular menu that includes things like plate lunches and smoothies - I had a decent loco moco, and fed the rice to some birds that were hanging around waiting for our leftovers. Hannah kept squirting Kelsey with a spray bottle that Eric had brought to keep cool with. Erin got a squeaky plush white weasel out of the trip (name: Draco - it's a Harry Potter reference) and I got the cutest little poofy beanbag sheepie plush. By the end of the zoo tour, my feet were killing me - I had missed the bus going into Waikiki so I decided to walk to the zoo from KCC just 'cause I'd never really tried it before. Longer and less shaded than I thought, but not really so bad, and I probably needed the exercise anyway.

Tonight I've just finished more online organizing - Roy apparently has shut down my server space on his site, so all my images appeared as broken, including the eBay store logo and the picture in my profile here. Luckily I still have my UH personal web page which I totally don't use, and did whatever software downloading and FTP settings I had to and fixed them. I can't say for sure what motivated that, although I can say with some accuracy that it probably has to do with my disappearance and long absence from the store. I'm really starting to wonder what kind of reception I'd get if I just decided to walk in one day. Maybe despite all my faith in the people I still automatically think of as "friends," our relations and my ties to the store have been damaged beyond repair.

Maybe I'm the only one who's able to persist in believing that everyone involved has any hopes for working things out - am I naive, stupid, or some unfortunate combination of both, perhaps? I really was ready to forgive everything, or already did. Rob and Roy and Maya and everyone had their reasons for doing whatever they did. Maybe not the best reasons, and certainly not the kindest or most subtle actions, but I'm sure everyone thought they were helping me out at the time. Believe me, that kind of thing* happened to me all the time, and if I wasn't prepared to let it slide, I probably wouldn't be on speaking terms with most of my family (both parents included), and I'd probably have divorced Kerry long ago; certainly I'd have a lot fewer friends and a whole lot more grudges. I'd be very bitter and unhappy, and my life probably wouldn't be very much fun.

*You know, the whole "this hurts me more than it hurts you" character-building bullshit kind of thing.

WARNING! A totally unexpected philosophical-like rant follows:

You can believe I am actually like this or not; it's really up to you. I don't think a lot of people do - believe that, I mean. About anybody. It depresses me, that nobody seems to want to believe in forgiveness, or compassion, or any nice trait as being humanly possible. Everything any individual perceives is colored with their own subjective filters; how can people stand to live in a world that they constantly strive to make themselves believe is cruel and ugly to the core? It seems so easy to just change what you believe, and therefore change the entire world, at least as it exists for you (which is all that really matters anyway, unless you're telepathic).

What I mean is, whatever "world" we experience is, well... whatever we experience. It's all processed in our heads. As far as any individual is concerned, the "world" as it exists in their minds is all the world that there is - you can't prove the existence of any others without being able to step completely outside your self, or get into someone else's mind. So shouldn't it stand to reason that you can change your world simply through belief? Crazy people do it all the time - if that guy on the street corner believes he is a king talking to a magical unicorn, well, for him that world is real. I figure it's okay to go a teeny bit crazy - not talking unicorn crazy, but just enough to make small changes in perception that'll keep you within the bounds of Sane but also make you happier. For some good examples of this kind of thinking, I suggest reading the following philosophical manuals (okay, actually they're comic books but that's more fun anyway, right?): Three Septembers and a January, from The Sandman by Neil Gaiman (found in Fables and Reflections) and Suki by CLAMP (the Japanese title is Suki Dakara Suki and means something like 'I like you because I like you').

Anyway, it's how I try to look at the world. It's the only explanation (besides absolute stupidity) that I have for how I can keep being so cheerful about everything.

Mini-post: in class

2005-08-27T08:49:00.000-10:00

Accounting for Entrepreneurship class is in a computer lab, and I'm sitting in the back row. This of course means I'm going to do stuff like this, especially since at this unholy hour of the day I'm too tired to concentrate on number crunching exercises (I also wasn't able to get the textbook).

Gave in and bought the cute but kinda pricey bondage pants at Linea. Ah well, it'll probably be the last purchase I make there, since they've gone all mainstream. Rearranged straps into a more bondagey, less suspendery look while watching Star Trek: TNG last night. Decided not to wear them today (although I wanted to) simply because at 6:45 in the goddamn morning, I would not be able to think clearly enough to get into them. Holy crap. Even the bunnies were sleeping when I got up this morning.

KK forum get-together at the zoo today. Going to hop on the bus right after class ends and, um, go look at aminals and stuff I guess (I'll be more excited about it after I wake up). Bon dance afterward but that'll depend on how I'm feeling later (seeing as how I got up at dawn). Did I mention that I was awake like an hour before my alarm went off? Or that I had to get up to pee at something like 2 in the morning? Goddammit I hate getting up in the mornings.

Knowing is half the battle

2005-08-25T22:52:00.000-10:00

Went to divorce workshop thingy today. Learned a few things about divorce in Hawaii - the factoid that caught my attention most was the bit about how a divorce filing shouldn't take much longer than 3 weeks. Six months was implied to be a very long time. The longer it takes, said the speaker, the worse it'll get. Aaargh, dammit Kerry! If I can get him to send me copies of his financial/debt paperwork, I could just transfer the information to another sheet, re-file everything, and all he'd have to do is sign. Of course, I've already asked him for the copies, and of course he's forgotten (and very tastelessly introduced me to his girlfriend) in the meantime. Remember, Rob, you're the one that said you wanted me to stay true to my marriage. Bleah. You couldn't pay me to take him back. And I'm unemployed.

Stopped at downtown Great Harvest bakery and had some tasty samples of peanut butter chocolate chip bread. Hung out with Erin afterwards. Went to Flora-Dec (ooo, craft store! aww, nothing I want in stock!), the BIG Marukai in Dillingham (Japanese foods, drool), Ala Moana (Hot Topic - I bet the manager is all WTF already, Godiva, and trying on gothish things at the mainstream Arden B). Went home after as I was really tired - I just die in the afternoon. Talked about stuff with Erin, including creative endeavors, how lame Hilo is, and random pervy stuff (so between Erin and Matt I've got a friend to talk pervy with from each of the sexes).

Grr... ended up caving in and buying a shirt. It's an Arden B. thing that's black and lacey and gothic-lolita-ey. I also had to have it 'cause it's got a cut-out keyhole opening in the back. I admit, I was thinking a little bit about how that kind of detail would drive Rob crazy - he thought my back was really sexy. Of course, I can thank him for that because now I do too! (Kerry of course was all boobs, boobs, boobs, so I felt frumpy and butch after he'd look at me and call me... well, frumpy and butch) I suppose even if Rob and I are never on good terms again (eek! nooo - crossing my fingers here) I can thank him for making me finally truly believe that I - not my clothes, not my makeup, not my hairstyle or anything else I wear - I am actually pretty, and people think I'm pretty sexy, too. That feeling has still managed to stick around, even if you haven't - so thank you, Rob (crossing my toes too - ouch).

Anyway, Erin's back on and I've got to go to sleep at a decent-ish time, and this blog and chat (Erin, Eric, and a couple others) is too much multitasking for my sleep-deprived brain.

I'm in a pretty good mood right now, I noticed. Must've been all that chocolate I ate earlier (thank you, Lady Godiva).

Bullshit Tetris

2005-08-24T23:40:00.000-10:00

Kelsey is this guy from Hilo, Matt's friend who moved recently from Hilo. He's been traveling in the same circles as Kerry guys as well as Matt and Kerry's current GF is actually a friend of his. So lately he's been talking about the stuff going on in Hilo, and hearing the same stories from the Honolulu side, and as far as what he knows about Kerry, he's concluded that a lot of what Kerry told him is bullshit. To which Erin and Matt and others familiar with both the workings of Hilo and Kerry agree. All the pieces of bullshit that he hears just sort of comes together, he said over dinner (Yotteko-ya, since he and Erin guys haven't been there before). Oh, I said, it's like Bullshit Tetris. I have not very much of an idea of what's going on with Kerry right now, exactly, but he is just losing supporters left and right.

Sleepy right now for some reason. I guess that's a good thing, though. I can go to bed at a semi-decent hour. Said I'd give Erin a call and we can hang out in town tomorrow. Trying to think of things I could do in town. Maybe get back on my usual birth control pills, and make an appointment/update my insurance info with my therapist. See if I can pay for my silver clay certification class early (it's in October). There, see, lots of things for me to do.

Erin stopped by the store earlier today. Seems I've finally been replaced. She says there's a tall blond haole guy working there now. I wonder who he is - seeing as Rob usually hires friends or regular customers, I keep thinking that I ought to know who he is. Well, at least it's not some other young cute girl that he's having a relationship with (one of my recurring worries). Heh, unless he's gone gay... which would be... uhh...

Things I still have to do: call Kerry and get him to send me copies of all the divorce papers so far (so I can file them here, but I won't tell him that), put together a contact list for Cyndi's wedding invitations (I better write that on a post-it someplace!), clear out my stuff - and Kerry's - cluttering my grandma's house, clean and rearrange my room.

And through it all I'm still just so damned tired.

Mini-post: I just don't have the attention span

2005-08-24T00:07:00.000-10:00

Okay, so I have it from Matt that at least one, possibly two, of the guys that like me may just be trying to comfort me. Still, I wish they didn't feel the need to touch me so much. I mean, I do believe that when I'm sad, what I need is a hug, but I much, much prefer that hug to come from certain people (ie. people that I feel comfortable touching for extended periods of time, which is a very select few).

This is going to be a mini post by default because really I'm just too damn tired. Fatigued, is more like it. Just so damn tired. All the way into my bones tired. Falling asleep this afternoon and struggling to stay awake, and this is like, standing up, or walking around, or cooking things and I'm falling asleep. It was pretty bad. Just goes to prove that I'm really a night person, 'cause I'm more up right now than I've been all day.

First day of Japanese dance class. Looks like it'll be fun. We have to bring our own yukatas, which luckily I have (or you can borrow from the drama dept. but I'd feel icky in someone else's sweaty yukata). Also tabi and the obi with ties, which I also have. Yay! We also learn to tie the obi as part of the class, which I generally know, although maybe now I can figure out what I'm doing wrong that makes the fabric poking out of the obi go all puffy or wrinkly. Will also have to perform at the end of the semester, but luckily in a group, and I'm sure I won't feel like I look like such an ass like I did for the mandatory Ballet 101 performance.

Tonight for some reason I found myself thinking a great deal about precious metal clay and old chinese padlocks. Don't know why, but the research that followed was pretty fun.

Godammit, people like me

2005-08-23T03:25:00.000-10:00

I sort of wish they didn't. I could name at least three, maybe four, guys that I'm pretty sure like me. No, I'm not being vain and/or paranoid, unless it's perfectly normal for guys who aren't at all interested in a girl to do things like offer to buy food or give rides, ask for phone numbers and addresses, walk really, really close, not-very-subtly stare at body parts, oh, and my personal favorites, very un-accidentally bump into, brush up against, or totally non-casually grab, lean against, or hug. Or maybe it could just be me, and that kind of thing is totally normal between girls and guys who are on friendly terms but haven't spent much time together. Maybe I'm supposed to be flattered - maybe most girls would be in those situations. But I'm not. Oh, and the fawning behavior doesn't help either. Admittedly, I'm better about the whole physical contact thing, although it's still not really something I'd frequently initiate with just anybody. At least the hair on the back of my neck (mostly) doesn't stand on end anymore. But still, it's still sort of... egh.

I'm not comfortable with it. The contact doesn't make me feel warm or happy or safe and most times it's done so inelegantly that I sure as hell don't mistake it for casual or accidental contact. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say, though, when the guy's arm is wrapped around my shoulder, or he's sitting with one whole side of his body against mine, or when I'm hugged or grabbed suddenly from behind. They're for the most part not people that I'm creeped out by, so I don't want to hurt any feelings, and much of the time I'm unprepared (I suppose I could stay hyper-vigilant but I don't want or need the extra stress). Gah, I don't know. I guess I could always wait for the reaction to dull naturally, either after a year or two of hanging out together, or after getting... intimate (uhh, NO).

I wish Rob and I were still on the really good terms we used to be - I didn't realize it at the time, but his presence was keeping that sort of behavior at bay (of course this isn't the only reason I liked having him around). Anyway as things started to get less friendly between us, some kind of vibe was sent out or something and it was like declaring open season on me. Same effect with Kerry, too. I'm sure even the most fervent hater of my exes would agree that that, at least, is a good reason to miss them.

Other than that intermittent problem, it looks to be the beginning of a rather uneventful week, much like the others only with a lot less paid work and a little more school. Japanese dance class doesn't start till pretty late in the afternoon, so even going to bed at this unholy hour should still be okay... ha! I'm only up now because of some hideous combination of muscle aches (everywhere), insomnia, and good ol' apathy. Well, I might as well go to bed now, and hopefully I'm fatigued enough that I'll fall asleep before my back or my neck or my shoulders make me too uncomfortable to do so. Bleaaaahh.

College is overrated

2005-08-21T22:46:00.000-10:00

Or at least it seems that way when you've been at it as long as I have. Regardless, it's starting tomorrow. Gotta get up early, get my updated Manoa ID (which gives me free access to the campus gym) and get my college bus pass, both of which I predict will entail much standing in line. Then off to KCC for my actual class, which involves introducing me to sculpture. I hope to do a lot of walking tomorrow. I need the exercise; I've been eating too much and moving around too little (also end up sleeping a lot, either because of too much melancholy or too little caffeine; not sure yet which it is). The class I'm really looking forward to is Japanese Dance, which is my puny one-credit Manoa course - and it cost me an arm and a leg since I'm on probation and going through Outreach, but hey, at least I've got my (tabi-clad) foot in the door. Still waiting on the Academy of Arts fall schedule to come in the mail, and checking out some local crafty classes - I might as well utilize all this free time, right?

Gotta comment briefly on the comments. They're starting to rival my actual posts in length, I notice. Well, that's good. Glad I get you people thinking and feeling the urge to express yourselves. Like some sort of muse, or a parasitic brain-worm from space.

Sadly, I must also report that the effects of yesterday's massage have faded, and my neck is back to its original state, with its Dynamic Drawing-sized knots back in their usual places. Right when I've got to go back to lugging crap around in my backpack again, too.

Erin has a dream blog. As in, she has a blog in which she writes about the dreams she has (as in asleep). Lately I've been having recurring dreams that, of course, revolve around the store. I think I've reached that point in avoiding something where avoiding a thing actually starts making you think more about it. So my dreams generally have me returning to the store and pretty much finding the worst possible things - I go back to visit and everyone is openly hostile towards me, I run right into Rob and his girlfriend someplace and am ignored (disclaimer: I am not claiming anything regarding Rob's real-life social status here), I discover that I have been easily and quickly replaced at the store and in Rob's affections, or I find that he's getting married - and sometimes that one is because I didn't mean much to him anyway, and sometimes it's because he still cares for me but still believes that he doesn't deserve me or shouldn't see anyone so much younger or any of the excuses he's given me before, and I can't tell which reason is worse. Oh, and again, I'm NOT making any real-life claims here. This is simply a description of the scenarios in my dreams. Anyway, they're horribly depressing, and of course I'm barely able to drag myself out of bed when I get up afterwards.

Too selfish? Not selfish enough? I've been wondering about that lately. "Focus on yourself, stop worrying about pleasing others," is what I'm told, but then I'm made to feel bad for doing so - if not by someone else, by the voices in my own head. So how do I find that balance? And what about if I've lost my motivation? - or rather, lose track of it (it's really more of a 'them') periodically. It's like, I sort of want to show Rob what he decided to let go of, but I also sort of want to show my family that I'm not the loser they think I am, and I also sort of want to see all those sketches in my notebook made into reality, and I also sort of want to repay my friends for their support with my success, and I sort of want to do a bunch of other things and they mostly can be fulfilled with the completion of a few things but I guess with so many "I wanna's" it's easy to feel overwhelmed or lose focus. It's not that I think I can't do any of the things I want to do, it's mostly that I want to do them all - right now. Write and illustrate a graphic novel, learn to sew panties and make buttons, get better at jewelry making and fabric printing/painting, get rid of my excess junk, redecorate my room, spend more time with the bunnies, open an online store... I need some tips on how to get myself able to do things one at a damn time. Maybe I ought to ask my therapist for help - which reminds me, I have to call her up and schedule an appointment. Gah! More distractions!

Everything I need to fix things up is all in here, in my head. I know that it's all there, I just can't get to what I need under all the mess. I may need some help with this cleaning job.

Of course my feet hurt

2005-08-21T01:12:00.000-10:00

Whee. I had a nice long fun day. Back to the craft fair, met Erin and Jase there. They couldn't stay long, but that was okay. There was a massage therapy booth there today that wasn't yesterday, and I got 15 minutes of good strong pressure massage from a competent (and nice!) therapist (her nickname was "Binky" - like the bunny dance; short for Bianca). Of course my neck and shoulders have since re-knotted, but it was nice while it lasted, and actually my neck is still pretty flexible right now. Made a paper clay gardenia for grandma at the fair, but it takes overnight to fully dry so it's curing at Bernice's right now. Then off to the Mililani bon dance - oh, some interesting stuff happened there...

So yeah. We get lost on the way to the church. Not surprising since once we get instructions it turns out it's not the "quick walk" from the theaters as described in the KK forum. If a quick walk is considered a couple miles, some of it along a freeway, maybe. Anyway, so Eric (from the forum) calls me around the time of the dance. Asks if I'm there, gives me the number of someone who can give me directions, and says, "by the way, I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm coming with a rather large group, and your ex-husband is in it." Somehow I am and am not surprised. So he shows up several minutes after I do, and with his new girlfriend in tow. Drops her hand as soon as he sees me, then runs up to hug me (suaave...). As the evening progresses it's just one faux pas after another from him. Chatting happily with me right in front of her. Trying to get us to talk to each other. Just taking her to a bon dance at all (I asked if she was going to dance and it turns out she doesn't like bon dances, which would explain why she came totally inappropriately dressed). I have the feeling that their relationship won't end well. One thing I learned though, was that I really don't feel a thing when I see Kerry with another girl. If anything I felt sort of bad for her; after I found out she didn't like bon dances I couldn't look at her without thinking that she didn't seem to be having fun. But yeah. Kerry and another girl - nothing (but just imagining Rob like that... well... but we aren't discussing that tonight).

Anyway, the bon dance was a big event, and fun. Lots of new songs I didn't know, but learning them was fun too. And so many Kon people there - I'd forgotten how much better those things are when you run into lots of people you know. And they fed us afterward - not just saimin and nabemono stuff like the big island ones but a whole potluck menu! Tons of desserts, fried rice, casseroles, even a whole salmon! Yummy yummy food... and I got chocolate cake and strawberry cake (the corner piece with icing!). Rob was right, I am easy to please with food. Well, food and cute things. Speaking of things, Bernice got her purple wisteria glow fan, but since they didn't do any fan dances that means we'll have to go to next week's dance! And the one after that, and the one after that....

Can't believe school is starting up again. I guess the being unemployed bit isn't helping with the feeling of semi-surprise and unpreparedness. Somehow I almost expected to not be able to do anything like that after being fired and quitting the store. You know? It's a bit hard to explain I guess. But it's something like that. And school is still something like starting on Monday, so I've got to get all my student stuff together tomorrow. (Intro to sculpture Mon-Wed, Japanese Dance Tues, Entrepreneurship Sat...) And I'm thinking of going to the student gym at Manoa before dance class once a week, since I'll finally have the UHM I.D. that gets me in there. By the way, my dance class ends late - around 6:30 pm - anybody able to give me a ride home at that time? Just checking. Ooo, it's late. Better get to bed soon.

Mini-post: a coherent moment

2005-08-20T00:38:00.000-10:00

...in all this tiredness. Mental picture of why I get like this, all sappy, when I'm tired. Yeah, I suppose it is an excuse.

Picture a hole, a void, left in my life, shaped like Rob. Then my thoughts and emotions, sort of a fluid, or a gel. Generally liquid anyway. So to stay "okay," to not think of him, not start the chain reaction of obsessing (not the stalker kind but the dictionary definition mind you) I have to stand there, and block off all that intruding fluid when it tries to flow in through the cracks and fill up that space. Because I'm not trying to get my thoughts and emotions molded into his shape, if it gets filled, I want it filled with something else. If I'm awake and aware, I can catch the liquid, block off all the routes into that space. If not... well then they leak in, and sometimes it starts to fill up. Sometimes it overflows and then that comes out as tears...

Okay, maybe I'm not as coherent as I thought. But I think you get the metaphor thingy.

I really ought to get caught up on my sleep

2005-08-19T23:29:00.000-10:00

Ouch. Achy. Creaky. I've taken the maximum dosage of Aleve for today and the muscles in my shoulder, neck, and back still feel so tight I think they'll snap like twigs, if I give them a good stretch. Woke up this morning with an awful headache, so I'm pretty tired right now. In between now and waking up with a headache, I went to the Made In Hawaii festival, which was the biggest craft fair I've ever seen. Lots of interesting things to see - and I unexpectedly bought a lamp. It's very pretty, though - base is made partially from vintage obi fabric, and the shade was also custom made in a nicely matching white-on-white crane pattern. Now I just need to redecorate my room (esp. get that bookshelf I so desperately need) so it'll have a place. Wish I had more money so I could have gotten more than a pretty lamp and a couple of foodstuffs. Oh well. Grandma flip-flopped again today and apologized for being so - put an adjective that means complains and constantly criticizes you and compares you to others here - lately. Whatever, I said. I wasn't mad. And I'm not - never am, and isn't that the problem. Maybe that's what all this tension is.

Been pondering this on and off lately - this idea of my becoming "independent." Wondering if I ever really will be - can be. I think I may have posted on this before, but I don't remember (not that I remember much of anything these days anyway). If maybe I really am incapable, if only for the fact that I can't manage to convince myself that money is one of the most important things in life. That, and/or the fact that I really don't excel at anything but the most trifling skills, things that only help make whatever's out there the teeniest bit nicer or more pleasant, but only aesthetically, you know? Nothing practical, nothing necessary. Basically I'm a pretty little piece of fluff. Purely optional. Decorative. Like some sort of exotic pet, or a plant, that's extremely fragile, I wonder if I need to be "kept" in order to survive. Egh, I don't know, this was supposed to be going somewhere but I'm too tired and I lost track.

It's funny how so many guys seem to like me, but I guess not anything more. Or they do but don't do anything. Am I intimidating or something? Is it because I'm so adamant about being accepted just as I am? It really hurt, when Rob started saying all this stuff about how he didn't really like me that much anymore, or criticizing things he'd said he'd loved before (like my looks or personality quirks), basically telling me that he didn't like me the way I was, after all. Never mind what he'd said before. Which was really disappointing, because he really did have me convinced that he loved me and accepted me the way I was, even if I wasn't perfect.

Which segues to another thought process again. I'm not very lucid tonight, sorry. Tired. Perfection. Don't really believe in it anymore. Maybe I did a long time ago but experience made me come to the decision that it really doesn't exist. No two people can even agree on the definition of the concept "perfection," so how can anyone even claim to have proof that it exists? As far as I have observed, perfection exists only in the mind of the beholder, and the only thing that exists that might be perfect is how perfectly imperfect everything is. Nothing and no one is free of flaws. So might as well just accept them. Or something like that.

Crap, I'm barely coherent. I wouldn't even be up if the pain in my neck wasn't keeping me upright. I just better go before I say something really stupid.

Blaaaaah

2005-08-18T01:05:00.000-10:00

Did lots of nothing again today. Super hot and humid, and since I forced myself to wake up early (lying awake since 9-ish but couldn't drag myself out of bed till almost 11) after going to sleep around 3 in the morning, I was more than usually sluggish. My eyes have had trouble staying focused all day, and even if I fell asleep in the middle of it, somehow I managed to finish the rest of The Historian. It was a good book, felt like it took longer for me to read than it actually did, a time-warp sensation that feels kind of odd. Anyway other than that I pretty much did nothing but lie around and try really hard to not fall asleep wherever I was. Oddly enough I ate quite a lot for having done very little, which is bad; at this rate I'm going to start having trouble getting my pants on again.

Lots of phone calls today. Had to plug it in a couple of times to recharge the battery. Bernice and Trish to inquire about the plans we'd made to hang out today, which never happened. Erin had some car trouble, apparently. Best of luck to her and Jase on that one, hope it doesn't cost too much to fix. And Cyndi called from Vegas! Talked about her upcoming wedding some, and how everyone's doing. I've been called on to look some people up and send her some contact information so she knows where to send the invitations. Need to do a bit of research but I think I can manage to get ahold of something for each name on her list. Occurs to me that I haven't called my therapist yet, and I should - got my approval confirmation (with income corrections for my lost job) for my medical insurance and I think I need to make an appointment soon. More than one, probably, since I'll take up a whole session just recapping stuff for her. Time to make another chart so she can follow the drama a little better.

Something cute happened. My feet were freezing a little while ago. They were cold last night too, so I'd worn some socks, just to sleep in. One is on the floor where I'd thrown it this morning, and the other one I couldn't find. Not under the trundle bed in front, so then I poked around behind it and under the taller bed, trying to see if I could see it in the low light under there. Max was attentively watching me look for it all this time and when I was peering under the bed, he hopped up on the trundle and stuck his head under the hanging edge of the blanket and sort of sniffed and looked around for a bit, like he was helping me look for my sock. I thought it was very cute.

Looking at in in writing, it's amazing what a dull day it was. Something in me insists that I should be doing things that are way more fun and exciting than this. I wish it was more specific about what, then I'd do it. Seems such a waste to spend what's left of summer vacation so apathetically.

Let me count the ways

2005-08-17T00:17:00.000-10:00

I knew I was forgetting something. Erin asked in one of her comments, "What was it about Rob that made you LIKE sex?" So I thought I'd answer that, briefly, and PG-thirteenly. I started liking sex after being with Rob because more than anything else he did, he made me feel sexy, made me actually believe that I was pretty and desirable, and I didn't have to do anything but be myself. That's quite an accomplishment, considering that in over 20 years nobody else has ever managed to entirely convince me that I was any of the above - I always seemed to get these half-compliments, "You'd be pretty/sexy/attractive, if..." There was always the if, always emphasized. If I dressed differently, if I wore makeup, if I acted more like other girls, blah blah blah. Like other people would only like me if I tried to make them. With Rob, I didn't have to try. I didn't even know he liked me that way. I did what I usually did, acted how I usually act, and he still loved me, wanted me more than any other girl he knew (and he knows a lot of really pretty girls). He was just so sincere about it, that I just found myself believing what he said about me. I think that was really the first thing that made me go from just liking him to actually falling in love.

Oh, and I just have to add this even if it's totally off-topic. It's just too funny and it's happening over IM right now. Apparently the news of my leaving the store has spread, and a rival store, we shall call them, hmm... TNJ, is trying to recruit me. Their representative isn't even trying to be subtle. "Not enough girls [working there]," I was told. She continues to spew out more insipid, narrow-minded stupidities (unknowingly) for my entertainment. I can bring up some other chat-log gems later. God, stupid people.

Good news on the college front. Today I got a call from the Outreach College advisor, a very nice lady, who let me know that actually registering through that college is something of a loophole towards getting back into Manoa - like last year, Arts & Sciences forwarded my failed application to her without giving me any explanation. The advisor mentioned that for some reason they like to not tell students about this option that allows them to take normal UH classes while dismissed, and I'm not the only one who is sadly misinformed. The bureaucracy at UH Manoa is hideously retarded and needlessly convoluted. Not that I haven't already figured that one out. So I'm going to try and see if I can get into some sewing or fashion design or art type class this semester. Something useful and fun that will actually get me closer to graduating. About fucking time, I say.

And now the more typical blog filler. I got my hair cut today, and got those 10mm pearl beads for the bunny heads on the rings. Also sent in my request for a class brochure from the Academy of Arts and a catalog from Rio Grande (large jewelry making supplier). Also checked on the eBay and Paypal accounts - looks like everything's been transferred over, so I also created a new eBay account while I was at it (since my old one is now Rob's). So maintenence stuff, basically. I wanted to order my button press, but I think I have to wait till the eBay store that sells them restocks. Hopefully soon. In the meantime, I can perfect making my goth loli bunny rings. Anybody want one?

I notice that my writing is more organized tonight. I certainly feel more organized in here (taps head). I should look back at everything I've written in this blog and see if there's some sort of pattern. I think I know what to look for - either posts that are long clumpy paragraphs like last night's, or despondent, inarticulate short things. I should also (reminder to self follows) upload my archives to my Xanga, and link it to this one.

That first paragraph made me start thinking, in the back of my mind, about all the other things I love about Rob. Reviewing all the happy pictures. Nostalgia ensues. I miss him. At least right now it's that happy sort of missing that comes from focusing on nice memories.
Oh, and The Historian is a damned good read. Vampires, mysteries, history, suspense, travel. And the only other occurence of the name "Matthieu" (with that spelling) that I've seen since, well, Matt (who lent it to me). Not yet finished but I've passed the halfway point.

Crazy girl

2005-08-15T23:37:00.000-10:00

It's so hard to concentrate. It'll only be worse tomorrow, which promises me a busy day after a night with little sleep.

I've noticed that I seem to have two kinds of "depressed" moods: both make me very unproductive, and both are characterized by an inability to I guess control my own thought processes, to a degree anyway. Both leave me curled up into a ball in the shower bawling my eyes out every once in a while (like today). But it's like... the first one is sort of more slow - I get the way I do because of a sort of mental and emotional lethargy, a numbness, like plastic wrap between me and the rest of the world. My thoughts tend to hyperfocus on random things obsessively, and I keep thinking about anything from song lyrics to my first date with Rob, over and over again, until it's very difficult to concentrate on anything else. Whereas, the second type is caused by an opposite mental activity - too many thoughts at once start filling up my head and almost ricochet off each other, and there's so much in there, and so many distractions around me, that I can't quite focus on anything without using a great deal of willpower. During this time instead of numb I can get almost hypersensitive, jittery to the point where it's like my nerves are crawling out of my skin, where it feels like I'll just explode. And no matter how messed up I'm feeling inside, whether it's Depression A or Depression B, it doesn't ever seem to show on the outside. Everyone who looks at me sees someone who's just fine. I wish there was something I could do to show it, but I don't know how to get angry (at least not like most) and I can't ever bring myself to cry. I just smile and say I'm fine. But I'm not. I'm so not. I don't know what to do or what I need. Help, I guess would be a start, albeit a not very specific one.

Sooo, other than feeling like tiny explosions in my head are blowing holes in my memory and attention and all that other useful stuff, I'm sort of but not really okay. I can function, mostly. I look normal and I can convince others that I'm perfectly fine. I'll forget things but it's not drastic enough for anyone to notice, I guess. I thought I seemed slow in my replies during conversations but again, I guess that was just in my head. Starting to wonder if I'm going crazy, though not for the first time. Or if I was all along. I remember asking Rob quite a bit if he thought I wasn't right in the head. I ask a lot of people that, now that I think about it. That wasn't the point I was originally trying to make with this paragraph.

Today I made a bunny ring, like in that Japanese bead book. I realized that I couldn't do it exactly though, because the central round bead (bunny head sans ears) had to be 10mm and not the 8mm that I had. Still looks okay, mostly, but the side embellishments don't quite sit right. Before that, did some hanging out with Erin and Trish, and checked up on my med insurance (still processing). Ate some garlic mahi for lunch and ahi katsu curry for dinner, and with all those omega-3 acids or whatever's in fish that's supposed to be an antidepressant, you'd think I'd be feeling better. Bleah. But the fish was tasty anyway, and relatively cheap. Tomorrow I get my hair cut and update my student ID. I also have to get up at 8, so I'm already assuming that it will be a day of fucked-uppedness due to lack of sleep.

Wondering if maybe it's not depression, at least what I'm feeling now. Maybe it's mania? I don't know. I need that insurance to go through as soon as possible. I'm kind of worried. Going to go now, laptop's on battery power so that it won't generate as much light, so grandma won't see it through my door. Oh, that's right, if I didn't mention it, I'm "okay" enough now that my grandmother is pressuring me to hurry and get another job, finish school, clean up the patio and my room for my aunt's arrival in December, wake up early every day, and basically do all kinds of normal things that normal healthy average humans do. It's enough that I'm wondering if I should just get on some medication for a quick fix, but the thought of me becoming just like "everyone else" (who are so alien to me) creeps me out and makes me cry. Anyway, so I've only got about a half hour before my computer puts itself into sleep mode, so I'm going to go.

(Unintentional) Mini-post

2005-08-15T00:18:00.000-10:00

Matt came up for vacation. Hung out with him and Kelsey and Erin and Trish and heard all kinds of news from Hilo, all of which generally translated to: Hilo and the people in it are lame. It's like they're making all this stupid drama mainly because there's nothing better to do than sink into your own mire. Bleah. We played some card games, like Pimp: The Backhanding and Abuse. They were fun, by the way. Went to Dungeon, um... other stuff... it's late and I'm having some trouble following a single train of thought.

Sorry about that. It's this mood I'm in. Thoughts keep whirling around in my head faster than I can focus on them, and my attention span and memory are just shot full of holes. But Matt was up here for a few days, and I went to a bon dance last night, where Erin won a goldfish, and lately I've been reading this book Matt lent me and pondering where I might fit into human society. I think I've been sort of regressing, somehow. And I miss Rob and the store, but I'm so afraid - anxious, nervous afraid - of going back, of what I might find. Even have nightmares about it. Sorry, I wish I wasn't so introspective. Makes me feel a bit selfish, thinking this way. This post was supposed to be long, and it was supposed to make some sort of sense, with paragraphs and things in chronological order and neat little hyperlinks. Maybe I need to sleep this off...

Mini-post: in passing

2005-08-09T21:47:00.000-10:00

Finished Scarlet Letter. Quite good, although the archaic language can be a little off-putting (for those who decide to read it, FYI: 'gules' means 'red'). I liked it a lot. I'd be more specific, but I've got to go to bed early; Matt's coming tomorrow morning and I still have the bunnies' litterbox to clean out. I see why so many women like the story; how Hester shows her true strength after her punishment, and even turns the stigma to her advantage. But anyway.

So today I went to the credit union to take some money out of my "startup fund" so I could buy a button press and stuff. Had to transfer that to my BOH account, since that's the one I'm using for Paypal (the cheapest button presses I could find were on eBay). I had to pass by the store to get to the bank - I walked by the store at normal pace (although I walk pretty fast I admit) and glanced in through the door. Looked around but there was a lot of glare and I didn't see Rob at all. Figured he must be in back or behind a shelf. I was just about past it when I saw some movement at the corner of my eye - Rob's shoe, right inside the door. I guess he was sitting in the chair and I just didn't see him because of the glare (and he was below eye level there). I couldn't make out anything more than the movement through the glass and I'd already decided to just walk past, so I don't know if he saw me or not. I wondered if he called my phone, and went home as soon as I could to check (idiot, I forgot it again). No calls, at least not from him.

Matt comes in tomorrow and I know one of the things he wants to do is get caught up with his comic books. Since his pull list is at the store, I assume we'll have to stop there. I wonder if I'll be able to walk in there even as just someone accompanying a customer. It'll be Wednesday, so the new comics will be in and everyone will be too busy to talk much - but everyone will be there. I don't know what I'll do. I guess I can just play it by ear, and leave if it still hurts too much. Believe me, I wanted to turn around and run back there after I saw him move behind the glass today.

Well, no more getting depressed. Matt'll be here on vacation after all. I don't want my crappy mood to drag him down. As I said, I'll just play things by ear.

Mini-post: think happy thoughts

2005-08-08T02:02:00.000-10:00

Too tired to bother with a long post. Currently thinking rather bad thoughts, actually. Well not bad as in evil, more like bad as in not socially appropriate, I guess, and more to the point, wondering where to put them. Oh, I adore Rob as a friend; hanging out with him was really fun and pretty much guaranteed a laugh out of me, and as more than a friend he was cute and cuddly and sweet but dammit he was also fucking sexy and I admit that sometimes the stuff I find myself remembering was pretty, um, NC-17. Naturally that is very distracting, and an easy way to exorcise any obsessive thoughts, for me, is to give them visual form - ie. put it into words. Blogging would be the obvious course but I don't know, I feel sort of embarassed putting stuff like that out here. Not that it wasn't absolutely wonderful, but you know, that kinda stuff is - okay, I know this is the internet, but - well, sorta private. And I don't wanna weird anybody out, either. I realize that "sexy" isn't something most people associate with me. I'm about as sexy as some cute stuffed animal (furries notwithstanding) and hell, yes, up until Rob I didn't even particularly like sex. Gah. Shitballs. So yeah. I don't want to start up another blog. Two is enough. But these thoughts have to go someplace. They have to get turned into words so they can leave my head. I've tried art, but everything that comes out is just so damnably adorable. Doesn't help. Oh well, guess I'm sticking to talking to myself for now..

Edit: Next day. Thinking about this post and feeling sort of disgusted at myself. Reminded of what Rob kept implying by "what people will think of me" - let's just be straightforward and say I'm a slut, okay? A filthy slut that cheats on her husband. I try to think of the label as applying to me but somehow it doesn't seem to stick. Does that make me a narcissist as well? I personally don't think of myself as either a narcissist or a slut. Maybe a little selfish, but aren't we all? I'm sor - no, I'm not sorry that I decided to have sex with someone other than the guy I was married to. And I'm not sorry that I enjoyed it either. I'm definitely not sorry that I fell in love with Rob, and whether he chooses to believe it or not, I don't think I would have even had sex with him if I didn't love or trust him to a great extent. I'm just sorry I didn't tell him that sooner. I don't know if this addendum makes sense or not. But I'm on a public computer so I'm going to go now.

Bunnies, Bon Dance, Bleeding

2005-08-07T00:17:00.000-10:00

First off, best wishes to bun-friends Shelby and especially to Harry; I hope you two find good homes because you are both such sweeties, especially, again, Harry. I had to say goodbye to him today since I'm not likely to have any reasons to stop by and visit him at the Humane Society anymore. I honestly do love him (and I told him so); he always greets me and cuddles up to my hand for pets, but I just can't take him home for obvious reasons (Max). I'll miss you, Harry. Good luck to the both of you - you deserve long, spoiled lives in happy homes!

Speaking of bunnies, mine are in a wonderfully good mood right now. Milli is all binkies all over the place. She also shows a great deal of interest in my socks. I guess she smells Pono. He's settled in pretty well in his new home, although I admit my mistake in picking out the wrong food for him (Kaytee Bunny Basics Timothy, as opposed to the default alfalfa, which he refuses to eat). He does love his apple treats, though. Nosey, as any bunny is. Seems to know what the litter box is for, and isn't bothered by the traffic noises. Likes to climb into laps. I think he's a good boy who just needs some time to adjust to his new environment and learn to communicate with his new mom. Of course, I generally think any bunny is a good bunny.

Went to a bon dance somewhere in Manoa. Koganji or something. HUGE event at a big church with a big budget and large congregation. Got some andagi and chocolate chip cookies. Bernice wore her new yukata, and I tied on the obi. Would have worn a nicer one myself than the mini-length one (kid-size, white with rainbow bunnies, from Rob) but I'm bleeding like a stuck pig and that's the only one I can really wear bike shorts underneath without turning using the bathroom into an ordeal. Anyway, the dancing was fun. Oddly, no becho (sp?) - they do over there with the Pokemon Ondo what teenagers do with the becho everywhere else. Which is fun, but... Pokemon? They had several new and interesting songs, though, and I liked how they played everything twice so you can figure things out the first time and give it another shot the second time around. A fun evening overall, 'cept for the rain and wind. Next time I dress more warmly and do something to keep my hair out of my face.

Funny, I thought I'd be more tired than this. Period got me up at some unholy hour (7:30 am, I think) so I could vainly attempt to staunch the flow of my precious life juice ('noo! not my life juice!'). Maybe I am, since I'm writing stuff like this, heheh. Anyway, gotta get up earlyish again tomorrow, gotta go clear out my stuff and Kerry's crap from the storage unit, see what's damaged (since several things in there were not supposed to be stored and labeled as such) and figure out what to do with all his useless dork crap like his slightly broken sci-fi samurai sword and piles of Magic cards. Selling such things would only be as easy as Kerry thinks it is if I were still "hanging out" with his nerdy L5R friends (who I generally wouldn't touch with a 10 ft. pole, except for creepy Kyle, if said pole had something sharp at the end). Bleah. When am I gonna get my divorce?

Oh, and some irony. Found my previously missing bus pass. In my backpack. In the same pocket where I'd looked before, and couldn't find it at all. Goddamnit! Anybody want a free bus pass?

Something, keep thinking I'm supposed to do something... I think I should start working on some kind of craft thing on my own. Maybe take out some money from the startup savings account and get me that button press. Or get those 4x8mm teardrop pearl beads and make a bunch of goth loli bunny rings. Something... Crap, I need to check on my medical insurance too. I think I may have been disqualified because of my income from my UH job, which I ironically lost the day after I mailed out the application. Why am I adding this to my blog? Writing things out and seeing it in text form helps me remember. Mostly, anyway.

I suppose I'm tired after all. My eyes are anyway - and most of my muscles. Going to sleep now.

Bunny godmother

2005-08-06T01:44:00.000-10:00

Okay, his name is going to be "Pono." The bunny, that is. And he's going home tomorrow. Yay! So I get to play his godmother and then I go to a bon dance, after I help get Bernice into her yukata. Why did I have to get my period today? I'm not sure I can wear a yukata, what with mine all being light colored. Well maybe I can wear the short one, with shorts underneath. It doesn't look good with a traditional tight obi, but that's okay as the church we're going to seems to promise a lot of food.

Sort of hungry right now. Not all that much to eat in the fridge. Definitely no more chocolate ice cream, or chocolate anything, really. I think I'm medicating with chocolate.

Read through a lot of my Japanese jewelry making books today, and sketched some ideas into my notebook for silver clay jewelry. Debating what's easier - buying a set of metal stamps or trying to see if I can take the typewriter apart (turns out I can't just cut the letter stampy bits out; there's screws and large metal things holding them down). Maybe I could do both, and have two sets of different sized fonts to work with, I dunno. Ought to look into my savings account first.

Not lots to report. Last couple of days were mainly slept through. Starting to really miss my anime, though. Talked to a store regular on AIM. He had no idea I'd left. Neither did anyone from the Con forums, which struck me as odd, seeing as it's been nearly a month. Oh well. Set a few people straight last night anyway (didn't go into details as to why I left though). Seriously, it's getting kind of hard to resist that urge to stop by the store, and yet I'm still afraid to at the same time. It's an annoying feeling.

Anyway, I need to get to bed already. I'm getting picked up early so we can get the bunny. Plus I've been generally lethargic lately and not worth reading about. Bleah.

"A" is for...

2005-08-04T00:43:00.000-10:00

...well it sure as hell ain't "apple."

I've started reading The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Funny how it's supposed to be some kind of literature-y thing but I've never had to read it for any classes or anything. I'm sure I'll have some kind of feminist-philosophical rants to post after I'm done with it. I'd always been under the impression that the wording of the book would be extremely archaic and difficult to understand, but it isn't (in my opinion anyway). Pleasant little surprise.

Today I cooked stuff. A chicken casserole-like substance. Came out quite well, I thought, although a bit runnier in consistency than I'd expected. Tasted fine, though, and no salmonella poisoning (yet). Trish made Spanish rice. Overall, except for Erin being out sick, our first crafty type girl's night out sort of thing was pretty good. And we visited Erin's place to drop off leftovers and play with her adorable, petite, attention whore of a cat, Girly (sp?). Everyone seemed interested in the teddy bears, at least on some level, as a future non-food project. I like teddy bears too. Plushy! And Bernice's bunny comes home in a few days!

I think I either need to up my caffeine intake or increase my sleep, 'cause I have been tired this week. Or maybe my body needs to adjust to being unemployed. I remember when my grandma gave me my bus pass for August, I tried to put it in my wallet but my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't get it to fit, so I just crammed it in there all messy. I think it fell out someplace, because I had to buy a new pass (don't tell grandma!) today before I could get on the bus. That really sucked. Forty extra bucks spent this month.

Almost a month now since I quit the store. Getting to wonder what's been going on, how things are going, how people are doing. It's only natural, right? Still incredibly apprehensive about going back there though. Some might say my staying away is a good thing, shows I'm "strong" or that I meant it when I left - I think that would only be true if I was both staying away and not feeling so nervous about it. I think being able to go back, at some point, would take more strength of will than staying away. But I need to stop being so afraid of a cold reception or bad news, first.

...This may take a while.

Milli and Max are happily playing with my blankets. Digging at the corner of Kerry's thick plush one and flipping the fringes on Rob's bunny blanket (now minus one bunny and plus several holes). Binkies. It's really cute, how happy they are, frolicking on blankets from my ex-husband and not-quite-lover. Not that they care, and neither should I.

I could learn a lot from Max and Milli. Must become more bun-like. Perhaps if I ate more salad... (of course, they have someone cute to cuddle up with 24-7...)

Rambly-poo

2005-08-03T00:14:00.000-10:00

Today: went to Ben Franklin and used Trish's gift certificate from Xmas (thank you!), ate shave ice, dropped off library books, visited Bead Gallery for the first time in forever, got some more sunburn and then froze in the rain. Bernice went to return her dead-pixeled laptop and her customer service rep was Tricia(!) who was just about to get off work so we hung out. Got home and found Milli poopies on my bed. I think she's jealous of all this extra time at home. Cried a little bit, just a little bit, when my thoughts managed to stray back to the store and random happy bits from around this time last year. I don't know if it's an improvement that I've gone so long without crying or just that I've been out with other people in public too often to be able to. I know I've been saying it constantly, but I've really got to make something; gotta channel all this misery and angst into something cute and pretty.

Teddy bears and bunny rabbits and hearts and teeny eeny sparkly things, that's what always seems to pop into my head and out of my hands. So incongruous with my emotional state (teeming misery). Guess I'm just weird that way. Though I guess to my "dark side's" credit, many of the heart-shaped ideas I have are somehow mutilated. God I'm tired.

So I've been having these dreams. I'm always seeing things through the eyes of characters that are in love with someone. Many times it's one-sided. The settings are all kinds of places; some like real life, some totally not (last night's was all gothic shoujo manga like). Some end happily, others very sadly. I'm not very much in control of them. I don't feel very much in love at all anymore in real life, but apparently my dreams enjoy reminding me that somewhere in my head, I am.

Bunnies are adorable as usual. They keep me sane when I'd otherwise be alone and getting myself more depressed. They do their little binkies or they cuddle on the bed. Can't help but smile, although sometimes I wish I had someone just for me to cuddle too. Maybe it's not so much a void left by the absence of the store and Rob but a void left by lack of love in my life. I've had someone at least claiming to love me for the last decade, almost. Even half-assed love is love, sort of. I wish I was a bunny, with someone to snuggle with, all soft and fuzzy.

These distractions can only be kept up for so long. I'll have to at least confront this a little eventually. Stop in, say hi, rent some anime or something. Can't assume anyone misses me or hates me or doesn't even know I'm gone or anything. Need to find out what it is for myself and deal with it. I just end up too tired or too occupied or too damn scared. Stupid.

Really tired. Need to get some sleep.

Rabbit rabbit rabbit

2005-08-02T02:01:00.000-10:00

Wow. How's this?

Birthdate: January 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

Got those results from here.

Last thing first: Milli peed on the bed where I and the computer were sitting. Some of it got on me, too. Don't know what brought that on, as she's never done it before. The only thing I can think of is that I'm home more often - maybe she's getting jealous of all the time I'm spending with Max.

In other rabbit news, here is a photo of Bernice's bunny, currently called "Gary." Nobody seems to like that name, but nobody also seems to be able to settle on one. She'll probably think of one after he moves in and she spends some time with him.

Didn't go out at all today. Didn't do anything productive. Just hopped online and started reading things. Craft things. Asian-american things. Feminist things. Rabbit things. I need a massage and some motivation. I need to return some library books. I need to make something or eat something or read something or I don't know, something. I am amazed at how huge a void work and Rob have left. It's harder than I thought to fill. Mainly I seem to sleep through it, or it feels like I do. Yep, I'm disconnecting again. Everything just seems so pointless.

Itinerary for tomorrow: library, shave ice, Ben Franklin. Maybe I'll feel better after I make that cute bunny themed ring in that Japanese bead crafts book, gothic lolita color scheme of course. I myself am only semi-enthused but the thought of wire and colored beads make my hands go all twitchy. Cotton velour. I want to make a big teddy bear, though, out of the stuff my Mr. Cocaine plush is made of. Not white, though. Brown or black, maybe. I'm so tired.

Bernice is picking me up tomorrow around noon. I better get some sleep. Not making much sense anyway.

Goodnight.

Nothing moves the blob

2005-08-01T00:20:00.000-10:00

Tomorrow - er, actually today begins my officially being unemployed. Must remember to try and get on unemployment; I mean, might as well, right? Oh, and congrats to new bunny mom-to-be Bernice! She'll be bringing her new baby home from the Humane Society next week (and in the meantime, she should read this). I'm now the official godmother of an adorable male mini-rex.

Feeling very bloaty now. I feel like I spent the entire weekend eating. First time trying Greek food on Saturday, followed by pasta, and then almost a whole bag of lady fingers and some cookies this morning and a chocolate milkshake snack and then my first trip to Pyramids, the only Egyptian food place in town (with belly dancer!), Kincaid's (another first time) for dessert. Oog. Don't quite know if I'm pleasantly full or going to hurl.

Saw my first opera (operetta) on Saturday, Pirates of Penzance. It was a musical, pretty much, except with a bit more vocal acrobatics. Pretty good - I like theater every once in a while. Should not have dressed up quite so much - grew some new knots in my neck and back sitting for so long in that tight cheongsam. I think I've gained some weight. Not entirely a bad thing, for me, but I really like that dress, and spent extra to get it fitted, so not being able to wear it would kind of suck.

Norton Systemworks is pissing me off. I'm tryingto download some stuff but it starts running scans every minute - which is not the problem. The problem is that it generates these pop-up messages telling me every time it starts a scan, sometimes more than one for every file. The popups really slow down my computer, and they usually end up stacking on top of each other instead of disappearing when I click on them, making it worse. The last time I was on, Norton's popups actually managed to crash itself. Hooray. I don't know how to turn them off. There doesn't seem to be an option available either in options for Norton Antivirus or Systemworks in general. If anyone knows how to turn the damn things off, please let me know!

"Girl Group Night #1" starts this week - we're going to be getting together and cooking... something. And deciding on a next project, probably involving sewing. Speaking of which, I need to start looking into more creative type workshops to sign up for, like more jewelry stuff or that sort of thing, anyway. Or do things on my own. Must create!!!

Anyway, I'm going to go, because Norton is lagging my computer like crazy. Typing anything here requires that I wait about three to five seconds for any single letter to appear, and ten or more if I hit the backspace button. It's very annoying. The popups are stacking up on the side of the screen now. I'll probably have to restart after Norton crashes again. Yay. Maybe I'll resume this post then...

I used to belong here

2005-07-28T00:03:00.000-10:00

This place feels so unfamiliar
And yet I know it well
I think I used to belong here
But the only way I can tell
Is that I miss you still...

(lyric from Spanish Doll, from Poe's Haunted album)

Finding myself just before bedtime, missing the store and everyone in it, again. It's nice, you know, having someplace where you feel like you absolutely belong - people there are happy to see you, everything is familiar, comfortable, and safe; you don't feel alone there even if you are. It's a very nice feeling. It's good to have someplace like that. That's what I want my home to feel like, wherever it is that I end up settling. It's what I meant when I said that the place I want to live isn't so much a location as a state of being. And I'm drifting away from my original point.

Which was, I miss that place. Those people. The surroundings, and that feeling of belonging. Humans are generally social animals and I think we can only go so far when we say "fuck everyone else" and do what we want. I mean, I can happily go out in public wearing, say, a corset top, gloves, garter belt, and see-through skirt. But no matter how angry I am, I can't really go on a killing spree with katanas, no matter how much fun the revenge fantasy may seem. Sort of thing. I don't know - what? I said it was bedtime. I want to stop by and see how everyone's doing but I also realize that no matter how long it feels like I've gone, it really hasn't been very long at all. I find I'm almost waiting for some kind of invitation to enter - like a vampire or something. Like I'd be stopped at the threshold. Will anyone even pretend to smile when I walk through that door?

I'm angsting again. Bleh. Let's quit for the evening before things get worse.

A la peanut butter sandwiches

2005-07-27T12:59:00.000-10:00

Finished Harry Potter book 6 at around 3 a.m. this morning. I've got my guesses on how the last book might go, as well as one conspiracy theory involving Vertigo, which I shall impart to you later.

Well, I'm almost finished with my job at UH. Lots of free time looming up in front of me in August. School starts soonish, too, doesn't it? Got my Making Stuff and Doing Things book in the mail yesterday, along with another envelope from Kerry with more divorce papers to sign. This one about dividing debts or some such thing. If I'm lucky, at this rate I'll get my divorce as a Christmas present. The book is quite interesting, with quite a few things and stuff in. Also didn't stop by the store yesterday, mainly because of the realization that I didn't have enough money in my checking account to pick up Matt's stuff (it needs to get transferred out of Paypal first, then from my secondary BOH account to my main CPB one). I suppose the fact that I forgot my phone at home again like an idiot and wanted to rush back didn't help. Or that Rob's car was still parked in front of the store at 5:00. Or that I'm still not sure what to say to Roy and Maya (I'm not mad at them, just not sure what to say). Overall, on the plus side, I'm a lot more here than I was just a couple days ago. Not so floaty. Must be the extra sleep. I should try not to cram all the day's events into a single paragraph, though (oops, too late).

As of right now, I still haven't told my grandmother that I've been fired (I know I said I would!). She was watching a Korean soap opera and being upset over something my Auntie Loretta said so I thought I'd wait till she was less occupied. Like right after I post this.

Read all the comments you guys are posting. Starting to feel almost bad that I'm "making" you have to think about me, and going down that overly-introspective "what if I'm just being this way on purpose to get more attention?" line of thought. Which of course means that I'm not, or did it mean that I am? Bleah. Fuck it. Anyway, thanks for the feedback; if other people didn't leave any then I'd have to start making sense out of my own rambling and I'm sure I'd misinterpret it. Plus I could never truly interpret myself objectively anyway, no matter how disconnected I feel from depression and lack of sleep.

As for the store and the people connected with it, I guess I should stop trying to plan and prepare so much and start just dropping in whenever the hell I feel like it, or when it's convenient for me, and (ironically, what Rob tells everybody) stop caring what they think of me and do whatever I want, no need to explain. Besides, I think the next 12 Kingdoms may have come out by now. Watch this anime, the story is super awesome.

Okay, well, since I need to tell my grandma about the firing thing soon, I'll end with the Harry Potter stuff. It'll be all in italics, and will just take up the ass half of this post, so if you don't want spoilers (not that there's much, just theory) then you can just skip it:

Okay, so first off, despite all the talk of revenge and killing, I doubt that Rowling is going to let her beloved-by-millions-of-children protagonist end his chronicles drenched in Voldemort's blood (although it'd be pretty cool, in an Anakin Skywalker sort of way). He's probably not going to kill anybody, at least not directly or on purpose. To continue the Star Wars analogies, I think there is a possibility of Snape or Malfoy playing Vader in the battle between Harry's Luke and Voldemort's Emperor. Also as soon as they mentioned what a "horcrux" is, and that there could be more than one, I figured Harry is probably the last one. It would explain a lot about his similarities to Tom Riddle. So what I think is that if anything it won't be so much Harry killing Voldemort as him... absorbing him. Like Jet Li in The One, or, and now we get to the conspiracy theory, like Tim Hunter and his Other.

Matt had told me once about a story arc in Books of Magic in which main character Tim, who resembles Harry Potter, discovers that his thoughts and unfulfilled wishes have created multiple alternate universes in which things have turned out differently, and all are populated by alternate Tims. His "other" is an alterna-Tim who has discovered that he is, in fact, fake, and goes around killing all his other selves in those other realities and gaining more power. Tim and his Other are destined to meet and fight to the death, because only one of them should exist. Now I also remember Matt mentioning that Vertigo, for some reason, had decided NOT to publish this story arc in trade format, in fact they were going to write it out of Books of Magic altogether. Now it's been proven that there is some kind of global Potter CIA-like entity out there, one that makes sure that people who got the books early were kept quiet (either with rewards or torture or something). With that kind of anal-retentiveness about spoilers, I wouldn't put it past them to maybe have some kind of discussion with Vertigo. It's like X-Files: the Potter Conspiracy! Or maybe it's just more random weirdness from me.

Not bad for a Monday

2005-07-25T22:05:00.000-10:00

Oh man. That last (full) post came out sounding pretty stalker-esque, didn't it? Sorry. Didn't mean for it to come out quite that way. Been pretty sleep-deprived lately and I tend to get more obsessive in my thinking when I am (it loops back like a broken record, and by the way, I'm pretty sleep-deprived right now, too). One more reason to start my own business and start sleeping when it works best for me. So I wanted to start by clearing things up a little.

Okay, so maybe love at this point might be too strong a word. But I do care a great deal for Rob, and there is definitely strong affection there. I'll admit, again, that I really haven't fallen in love, much less had a crush on someone before. So maybe I've got it a bit wrong. I know for sure it is NOT hate or anything like it that I feel. I do still want to be with him, his "real" girlfriend, and not because I believe stupid crap like "we were meant for each other," and not because I think that everything will be wonderful and worked-out and non-fucked-up once we get together. Okay? Got that so far? I want a chance to be with Rob (as his serious and public girlfriend) because I WASN'T GIVEN ONE. Period. Because I hate it when people give up on me or dismiss me as a hopeless case. Believe me, it's happened quite a lot.

Being given up on hurt enough when it came from family members or people that used to think highly of me; it hurts so many times more when it was someone that I care a great deal about and respect. I know how that feels, and that's one more reason why I won't give up on Rob. I don't know how many times someone's given up on him, but I don't want to become someone like that. And he's really such a wonderful person underneath all that emotional baggage.

So you know, Rob? If we ever end up as an actual couple, and things turn out badly, even so bad that we really do end up hating each other - well, at least I'll know. At least then we'd have had our chance and blown it fair and square instead of this bullshit.

. . . . .

All right, on to some more pleasant topics. Well first off, I have really got to get around to telling my grandmother about my getting fired. I'm thinking Wednesday. I'll just be too tired tomorrow and she already went to bed as soon as I got back tonight. Speaking of which, I spent the afternoon with Erin and later with Trish and Jason as well. Went to Genki Sushi for the first time, and of course they were out of croquette (darn!). Also think I set some kind of personal eating record as I had a gomoku tofu noodle dish for lunch and also polished off 6 plates of assorted sushi-related, non-raw things. This on a day without much physical exertion.

Oo! Went to Humane Society today. Patted some nice bunnies, including Harry, a stray from some military base who was a sweet, mellow boy, rather like Max but bigger and not as blatantly adorable. Played with kitties too, and saw the HUGEST kitty I've ever seen - Yoda, who was... goddamn, he was just huge. Like a feline Iz. Amazing.

Also stopped at Hakubundo and Daiei. Bought a small, cheap beads book (nihongo de) that has the cutest pattern for a bunny-head ring. At Daiei I found something called "Garden Collection" or something, involving a teeny piece of Japanese candy and a big prize inside - a little planter with genuine grass seed, and a little plastic decorative fence and cute figurine to sit in the middle of your Chia-like garden (in my case, a little black lop sitting up). We'll see how that turns out.

Oh yes. Am currently wearing a lot of bandaid and first aid tape on my left hand. Tore through my skin (it blistered and ripped off at the same time) opening many, many glue dispensers at work to replace the caps and fill the glue. So my right hand's got all this friction burn on it, and the left has a patch the size of my fingernail with no skin on it... ouch. And the palm is such a crummy place to get injured, 'cause it keeps sweating off all the bandaids, or the surface is too soft/bendy. This one is pretty deep and I hope it doesn't leave a scar.

Missing the store. Brought something up about Rob in conversation a couple times, without thinking. Well, it reminded me of him. Thinking of stopping by tomorrow to pick up Matt's things, plus I think I have a few items I left myself. Roy and Andrew should be in - might as well see for myself what they think of me. Maybe Roy just didn't get my message. Still afraid that everyone will be happier now that I'm gone.

Signing off early tonight; borrowing Harry Potter from Trish just as I've run through all my library books. Gone through two chapters and so far... it's a Harry Potter book, all right. But it's something to read, and for at least a little while (till I start dreaming, anyway) I won't have to think about Rob anymore tonight.

Mini-post: confusion sets up

2005-07-25T00:29:00.000-10:00

He said so often to me, "Do whatever you want, don't care about what people think."

But then he'd say, "I worry about what people will think of you."

And I don't think he has to worry about what other people think of me, for me. I certainly never worried what others thought when we were together. I was proud of him and what he felt for me. I would have done whatever I wanted, but his opinion meant so much to me, too.

I wanted to be independent, yet I wanted to be with him. I didn't feel like what I was doing was cheating, but I knew I was pretty much the only one. I don't like some of the things he did to me, and hoped he wouldn't do them again, but I was falling in love with him, the person. I wanted to tell everyone, he wanted it kept secret. So many contradictions from the beginning. No wonder I'm so confused.

Worrywart

2005-07-24T23:27:00.000-10:00

First off, can't believe how hard it is to dislodge this fear. I'm so worried that the next time I walk into the store, Rob'll be there and he'll have a girlfriend or a fiancee or whatever. I shouldn't even concern myself with this, I know that, but it just doesn't want to unstick, this worry. I never thought I'd fall in love and transform into one of those girls that I can't stand - I feel this urge to do all this girly stupid shit in reaction, like cry or god forbid go running back to him and beg him to take me back (don't worry I'm not that stupid). The second thing is... is... I don't know. I guess another recurring worry. That really nobody gives a rat's ass if I'm gone from the store; that everyone, not just customers but my own (ex)coworkers, would just shrug and go on with their work even if they'd heard I might be dead or something. Worries that right now Rob could be fucking someone else and/or asking her to marry him, or telling her about his family or his pets and saying, "I've never told anyone else this, but..." and maybe he's telling her about me and referring to me as "that crazy bitch" or something. And yet at the same time I'm worrying about this, there's another part of me that's hopeful, that says the future is undecided and I still have a chance to work things out between myself and Rob and the store and everybody, that anything can be forgiven. I don't know. I just don't know. Falling in love has thrown so much confusion into my life.

Look at me, I'm not even able to make neat little paragraphs anymore. Brain thinking in run-on sentences with a thread of does he still think of me running through the whole thing in messy, ugly stitches. I was thinking again lately about this whole thing with me and how I separate the way I feel about deeds from the way I feel about people that do them. Thinking about just people, too. And trying to remember what I was like before I fell for Rob.

I'm sure I knew what I wanted, then (can't say as I had any more motivation, though). I'm pretty sure I still do, it's just kind of... misplaced. Under all the other junk that's been thrown in, but it's still there, still hasn't changed. I want a place, a lifestyle, that I can call my own, built and designed by me - a place that isn't so much a geographical area but a space I can feel at home in, be myself in; a lifestyle that includes my own business, my own hours, surrounded by people who I want to be around, doing my own shit when and how I want to. I don't think that's such a difficult or strange thing.

Flaws. That's what people are full of. I think it's what makes them interesting and unique; it's part of who they are, and in a way it's all the flaws and the quirks that make anyone a fucked-up sort of perfect. I like to think it's all the pets - animals are very good role-models for anyone who wants to try and accept their friends for who they are. I'd like to think that I try to do that, and that I'm doing a decently good job. But I don't know. More confusion. Maybe I'm just tired. I'll try and rehash the contents of this post in a more lucid form later.

Mini-post: thoughts

2005-07-24T00:28:00.000-10:00

The last thing I wrote on the previous post was: "For the record, I still miss the store and everyone."

The unwritten thought that follows (that always follows) it is: "...but I'm afraid that nobody misses me."

Which describes how you're feeling all the time

2005-07-23T22:43:00.000-10:00

Or too damn much of the time, these days. Disoriented. Fatigued. Jittery. Heavy. Floaty. Disconnected. Bored. Distracted. Forgetful. Shaky. Vertigo. I'm reading these words off of notes I had to concentrate way too much to be able to write down, when I was feeling this way, before I forgot that I ever had. It's why I left work early on Friday, and will make up for it on Monday. It's incredibly difficult to concentrate, to stick to just one thought at a time, to pick sense out of all the song lyrics and memories of conversations and the urge to sleep or scream or throw myself off a building (and the little thought that always follows, maybe I'll fly, if I do). It's the feeling you get when you know you've forgotten something very important, but you can't for the life of you remember what. It's a feeling that makes your heart feel like it's going a mile a minute, so you're amazed when you put a hand to your chest and it's fine; when you climb up on the desk and lie down because you're so tired, but you can't stop twitching and fidgeting. You're so on edge, it wouldn't surprise you if you saw your nerve endings poking out through your skin. A feeling like it'd be such a release if your whole nervous system (shaped like a human, like in the medical diagrams) would just pull itself out of you and run around or whatever, and let the rest of you just collapse and go to sleep. Like you just aren't entirely there, anymore. Not entirely together.

It's a very strange feeling, and not very pleasant.

My memory is shot, these days. Always forgetting. Forgot to clean up at work. Forgot to send off Matt's things. Forgot to brush my teeth or take my house keys or my cell phone or to hold my pants up with a belt. When I actually remember how often this is happening, how unusual this is for me, it bothers me. I hate when I get like this. What I do remember, seems distant. Almost like it happened in a dream, or to someone else. Blurry and not like it's connected entirely to me, somehow. It's disturbing. I guess it's depression, or whatever.

So what's been happening to me lately? Got a call from Erin (is it okay if I use your first name? I'm using just first names and not many specific place names that would be easy to google). She's graduated, apparently - congrats! She suggested, like Sam, that I might want to try seeing a pschiatrist, and try out some medication. When I get... like that, sometimes the idea sounds a bit tempting. But I don't know. What do you think? I'd like some feedback, since it's not a subject I'm all that familiar with.

Anyway, so that was cool, heard from Erin again after forever and she's doing good and wants to hang out. Yay! Maybe she can start hanging out with me and Trish and Bernice when we start doing the whole crafty girl-group thing. That'd be fun (I'm writing this down so I can remember to ask her). What else? Well, Dan at work is still asking me out. Offers me rides home all the time, and even called another time. I don't much like him, but there aren't too many specific reasons why not. I just don't, and I really don't want to start dating anybody right now. His persistence sort of creeps me out, although I'm sure a "normal" girl would find it flattering. Bleah.

Went to Haleiwa today for this art festival thing. It wasn't so much a craft fair as art stuff, though. Lots of people with big canvas paintings and impractical sculptures. Ate some pretty good Mexican food though, and hung out on the beach and had shave ice - ooo, and petted a welsh corgi named Willy, who is a certified therapy dog. Found a little tide pool with sand in it and the water was ice cold and bluish, with teeny little fishies swimming under the rocks. Did quite a bit of walking; I think I'm a little sunburnt. I'd almost forgotten how pretty the beaches out there are; like something off a postcard, all these perfect blues and greens and whites. Wish you could have seen it. (and for a second I wished a certain someone I'm still lamentably in love with could have seen it too, but then I remembered that he said he doesn't like the beach and put it out of my mind) Saw the HUGEST flock of cattle egrets I've ever seen on the way back thru the boonies. Had a baked potato with cheese and bacon for dinner, and found out there's a brewery/restaurant with live music behind Koko Marina, and took a nice shower to remove the salt crust I accumulated at the beach when I got home.

So here I am. It's been a pretty full day. Not sure what I'm going to do now, but I think it involves eating some hot food and going to sleep. I seem to be better than I was on Friday. Still kind of unfocused, disconnected, a bit sleepy and a bit numb emotionally but at least I'm capable of holding a thought in my head long enough to express it. I've noticed, tangent, that my blog entries show one thing at least - I get worse during my periods, especially now that I'm off the pill and my periods are longer and heavier. I should see about taking something for that, make them go away or at least get them less often. I think it'll be a good start in making me become, uh, saner. I wonder if being saner is exactly a good thing for me, though. I'm so afraid it's connected somehow with my creativity, that that'll disappear if I ever get completely "fine."

And just for the record, I still miss the store and everyone.

I did stuff today.

2005-07-21T00:28:00.000-10:00

You know, I was thinking and I realized I could have just changed the address of my blog and then renamed a new one with the same site name and layout, instead of erasing everything, backing up the archives, and starting over. But common sense has never been my strong suit, especially when I'm depressed and period-ing, which exacerbates the depressedness. I also like adding gramatically incorrect suffixes onto words.

So I went to see March of the Penguins today. It was... penguiny (i.e., cute). I also visited the library (McCully branch) where I think I saw someone that knows Rob. I don't think she recognized me. I barely recognized her anyway. I borrowed some Sandman graphic novels (never did get around to reading them all), a collection of short stories by Roald Dahl including Lamb To The Slaughter, and Marilyn Manson's autobiography - I'm halfway through that right now and it's quite good. Well written, and he comes across as a very intelligent, weird, fucked-up, blackly funny guy. Reminds me of many of my friends. I also walked around behind the library until I found that store that sells the really good shave ice, so now I know where it is for future reference. There was a huge line in front. I guess business has been good. The shave ice is still super-fine and velvety in texture (seriously), just like I remember it way back when I had it as a kid. They've added considerably to the menu, though.

I guess I am enjoying doing things, or not doing them. I say "I guess" because there is still that feeling of disconnect. It's almost as if I'm experiencing the world in not-quite third person. It's down to like, second-person view. I think that's a valid narrative term. I'm trying to say it's not as distant as third person, but not as immersive and immediate as first. I still don't feel like I'm quite "there" yet. I have memories and impressions, even tangible objects as reminders of the things I've done in recent times, but they still feel like something Chris, not I, did, and I can only I guess experience them as memories, not quite able to immerse myself in them so that I am there, again, present tense. Does that make sense? I want the numbness and the disconnect to go away, but I can't seem to quite shake it off yet.

Things. Something. I'm so tired these days. That unraveling feeling in my thoughts and in my muscle tissue. Not quite painful, not quite tense, but it feels like it's going to start peeling away from the bones like string cheese. That kind of unraveling. I feel a craving for sleep and for chocolate and caffeine. When I start falling asleep I get into that half-dreaming state and then I'm still falling asleep but now I'm lying up against Rob and doing so. I have to stop doing that; it really doesn't help my mood when I wake up. It amazes me how thin the line is between so many dichotomies, like love and hate. How I could have been (am) in love with him all this time and everyone else seems to have interpreted the resulting behavior as hatred; how that seems to happen to everyone, or so they say. I'm thinking about dropping by the store tomorrow, to pick up Matt's stuff for mailing. Ridiculously apprehensive about it. Get that cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wonder what kind of reception I'll get. I wonder if I really care, because the disconnect causes a sort of numbness to set in. I'm rambling. I'm going to sleep.

Mini-post

2005-07-19T00:31:00.000-10:00

This will be a mini post out of necessity, mainly, as I'm pretty tired right now and have work in the morning.

Didn't do a great deal today besides houseworky stuffs. Hung out with Max a lot; he's been in a good mood lately, probably on account of my being home more often now. Sister and brother came over for a little bit, we hung out, talked about stuff. Ate healthy food for once. Went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I think wasn't so much "better" or "worse" than the original version but rather just different. I still think I'm spending too much time in bed staring up at the ceiling and still a little numb around the edges emotionally but I think I'm getting better, or at least getting a little more motivation back.

Brandon still pops online to chat sometimes and last night was talking about the store like I was still working there, so I guess he doesn't know. Maybe he found out today. I'm starting to miss that place and the people. Something in my gut, or rather inside my ribcage someplace pulls when it's time to go to work, or would have been time to go to work had I not left. The worst part isn't me missing them, though - it's the thought that they might not miss me. That hurts.

Consolation for what...?

2005-07-18T02:42:00.000-10:00

Gotta stop spending so much money. Not that I have been spending a lot, by normal standards, but then again considering that I will have almost no income by next month, well Chris, you really ought to be more careful. Sorry about that, but I tend to buy stuff for myself when I'm feeling down, sorta like consolation. I am trying to make sure I buy cheap consolation, though.

This weekend, hyped up by talk of vintage shopping in Get Crafty, I thought I'd check out that one vintage store in Waikiki at the end, over by the post office, since I'd never been in there before. It's better stocked than any of the others I've been to, but mainly with men's stuff. Also, the prices are pretty steep. And I think the Nihonjin guy working there was trying to hit on me (since he kept following me around and asking me all these questions, and totally ignored the customers that came in after me; or maybe I think too highly of myself). Although I did find something inexpensive and really cool there - scored me some Return of the Jedi (!!) shoelaces. Yeah! Recycled, quirky, unique, and oh so nerdy, all at the same time!

Eventually I ended up lounging on a comfy couch at the Hyatt Regency (nice and tall so my feet could swing) reading I"s vol. 2, briefly fending off Dan over the phone (I knew I shouldn't have given him my number!). Then I met Bernice at her place, taking the bus partway and then getting off waaayy too early (but at least I got some exercise), and then we went to a bon dance nearby. That was fun, too, although that church played a lot of songs that I didn't know, so I couldn't drag Bernice out to dance with any confidence. There was an intermission during which an Okinawan drum group did their thing, too (something different, as they don't do this on the Big Island).

Oh, and I totally forgot, so I guess I'll have to just tack it on here: the first thing I did on Saturday was to go to the store and draw my last picture. I drew a self portrait, saying goodbye in so many words, comic book style ('It's been fun! I'll see you around...' contained in a word bubble). I hope Rob's not mad; I sort of did that without his permission, during Lance's shift. It just doesn't seem right that my crappy AX doodle should be the last thing to grace the board. Also picked up the new Clamp chess pieces and I"s vol. 2 for Matt (paid regular price for all of it) while I was there. I'm almost amazed at how nervous/scared I am to go to the store now. I mean, you know why I can't be in there with Rob, but after our last conversation I'm kind of afraid to hang around Roy and Maya too - if they're as afraid of me as Rob says they are, well, I kind of don't want to get anyone any more upset than I have already. And they haven't called me back. Still, maybe I should try calling them again - it could just be that Roy didn't get my message.

And a disclaimer, if I didn't say it already: the purpose of this journal is to put my thoughts and feelings into a visual form, a way to more literally look inside myself. And in the past, in my rants and whatnot, I've tried to lie to myself too. I still think that it might be easier for me to get over my feelings for Rob if I just managed to convince myself that I hated him, but I also know that it's just not going to happen anytime soon, if ever. I wrote these things and even reading and re-reading over and over never managed to convince me that what I felt was anything unlike affection. Another reason to start this over again - this time I decided, I promised - that I wouldn't try to lie to myself anymore.

Read or Die

2005-07-16T00:21:00.000-10:00

...Well, I would, if I couldn't. Read, that is. I am quite the little bibliophile. Although it doesn't have to be books, per se. Just... things with words, I guess. I like writing 'em too. Maybe it'd be more accurate to say I'm a... verb? -io? -phile...? (that doesn't sound right). Well it would be if I knew the word for it. If anybody finds a word that means "a lover of words," please lemme know! It'd be neat to add to my vocabulary.

So anyway, I've been reading stuff a lot, in lieu of watching anime. Just now I'm re-reading this article on a website I found back when Matt mentioned that someone he knew had gotten her web store listed on Jane's Guide (it was a shop that makes chain mail things, not especially smutty but then again cosplay is sorta inherently exhibitionistic, in my opinion). Anyway, it's all really well-written, consisting entirely of essays written by some pagan dude that all sort of relate to sex, but can also be applied to other aspects of life as well as love. And there's a lot of science, history, and psychology that comes into play, which I like. The "Innocence" essay sticks in my head, I guess, because it sums up in much clearer words than I could come up with, my own decision to retain or regenerate what was, at the time, some aspect of childhood that I couldn't quite articulate but thought was important for me to keep even after I "grew up" (ha! growing up is overrated anyway). After reading the article and the author's definition of innocence, I realized that that was sort of the thing I'd thought of, only I wasn't able to sum it up in one word or even one paragraph. Or at least, that was a big part of my motivation to continue to be "immature" - anyway, I give 'em mad props for being able to do that, the summing up thing. And the other essays are interesting reads, too.

Also read two books I picked up over the weekend: The Starving Artist's Way and Get Crafty (which also has its own website). Fun reads - lots of stuff in it to get that angel in my head all worked up and start kicking the insides of my skull and screaming at me to make something. Yeah, it's good stuff. In the first book, the project that caught my eye first was the one with instructions on how to create felt out of shed pet fur, but there's a bunch of other cool stuff I want to try, like how to make homemade chocolate peanut butter cups, or how to use some kind of dual branching lighting attachment to make a treelike chandelier of small light bulbs (it's the middle photograph on the cover), or how to brew your own alcoholic stuff (has a recipe for a milder, wormwood-free absinthe, not that I plan to drink it), or how to make accessories out of garbage like broken umbrellas and duct tape, or how to make your own envelopes including vanilla-flavored lickable glue. Plus in between projects there are little snippets of information about other starving artists, some living, some dead, some famous and some less so. Get Crafty is also similar, although it features fewer projects and more tips on how to make the actual transition to living more creatively every day, with lots of resources, tips, and anecdotes. The projects in both books are stupid easy to do, so if you're bored sometimes and want to actually create something (so godlike!) and have that sort of experience, you should check out these books (or borrow mine). Having finished the two, I was reminded of another title being put out by an independent publisher called Making Stuff and Doing Things. Click the link and read the insane list of stuff you can make and things you can do and I'm sure you can find something that sounds interesting. I have it on preorder.

There's still so much stuff I want to make - I want to try my hand at button-pressing (and thinking that the glittery Gelly Roll pens would make for really cute sparkly buttons), enameling with silver clay (there's a class at Academy of Arts), and actually I want to do more work with silver clay in general; also I want to make some of those kawaii goth-lolita beaded crowns in that Japanese book I got and maybe some other articles of similarly EGL-esque jewelry. Oh, and I found out that American Apparel has started selling their basic panties in my size (finally!) so I could start printing stuff on my own blank underwear too - where to start?? The angel in my head is sort of manic right now, and I'm sort of sleep-deprived (and still a bit depressed), so it's hard for me to decide.

Oh, and I almost forgot (darn). In other news, this guy named Dan at my workplace, I'm quite certain he likes me. He offered me a ride home on Tuesday (his car was NOT parked nearby like he'd said, either, and I had to walk) and quite boldly, and not as subtly as he probably thought he sounded, asked me out this weekend. It's not that I don't like him, but... well, I don't like him. Maybe it was the Jesus music (not Christian rock, but hymns) playing on his car radio. Or how he called me up today (shit, shouldn't have given him my number), or how weeks before I went on vacation, he'd followed me around the room and sat next to me during an office party. He sort of reminds me of one of Jolene's friends - Matt knows what I'm talking about. Just makes me nervous somehow. Maybe it's just my usual paranoia, or the fact that I'm still in love with someone else - he just makes me just a tad uncomfortable, all the time (not like the butterflies I get around Rob either). I had him drop me off at Kahala Mall, said I had to pick some stuff up - so at least he doesn't know where I live. Yeeegh.

Oh holy crap - it's 2 a.m. I better get some sleep. Supposed to wake up early tomorrow.

Mini-post

2005-07-15T00:15:00.000-10:00

I didn't really want this to be a mini-post, but I have to keep it short. Gotta get up early tomorrow morning for work.

First off, on a total tangent: I have seen Rob's blueberry muffin dream, in real life! I am amazed. It's not often one sees something someone dreamed about actually existing, created by someone totally independently of the dreamer. It's weird and awesome. Trish had to stop by Liliha Bakery after we went to see Fantastic 4 (Johnny Storm is a colossal flaming ass) and there were these blueberry muffins there just like Rob had that dream about - muffin on the outside, and the inside was completely blue, just gooey berry stuff filling these muffin-shells, lying upside down on the rack with the innards showing through the bottom and a little piece of wax paper (like on a manapua) to keep the goo from leaking out. Well Rob, if you're reading this...

The other thing I wanted to mention was... um... you know, I forgot. Sorry, I'm just so entertained right now by Milli, who is happily digging at and rolling up and chewing on my blanket (not the bunny blanket) right now. Max is licking the blanket (the bunny one) at the other end of the bed, where he had earlier eaten a candy bar and drooled chocolate all over. It was really funny and cute. I love my bunny children.

This is getting awfully long for a mini-post already. Also it's almost 12:30 and I really need to get to sleep, so - goodnight, everybody!

The amazing origin of...

2005-07-13T21:43:00.000-10:00

I was thinking, well, first I thought I should get more content in here, but mainly I was thinking that I ought to talk, er, write about this blog. The title and the quotation under it doesn't entirely come from me and I ought to give credit where credit is due.

The title came from a quote by Pablo Picasso (who surprisingly has an official web site), about the work of another artist named Marc Chagall: "I don't know where he gets those images... He must have an angel in his head." I read that quote in a magazine article and immediately thought, yeah, that is how it kind of feels sometimes, except in my case the angel's a little bit crazy and she gets worse if I don't do something expressive or creative. Then again, I think it's probably more or less like that with most creative people - Devi's case in I Feel Sick is a pretty darn good representation. If you haven't read it, I recommend it, but only if you have a twisted, ironic sense of humor as well as an interest in the weird workings of the creative (ie. borderline insane) mind.

Speaking of which, that reminds me of the little quotey-thing underneath the title, where that came from. It's a line, stanza? I forgot the word for it, but it's from a poem by Sylvia Plath called Mad Girl's Love Song. I found out about her and her poetry about three years ago, while researching an English project about the connection between bipolar disorder and creativity. I really like that particular poem - the visual elements, the rhythm of the thing, how it has this... giddiness to it, like falling in love (or a manic episode; I also love how the poem blurs the lines between the two). And... I dunno, it's just a good poem.

Right now, in fact, I find myself having trouble figuring out if I'm in love or having a nervous breakdown. Although I think it's mainly on account of my never really having experienced either feeling before. Hell, for all I know, being in love and going crazy could very well be the same thing (I probably wouldn't be the first to think so either).

Lots of sci-fi this week. Working my way through Firefly and just finished Snow Crash. I like 'em both. Firefly reminds me a great deal of Outlaw Star and Cowboy Bebop, which makes it stand out since most other sci-fi shows featuring the adventures of a bunch of people on a spaceship usually come off as Star Trek ripoffs with much of the emphasis on alien-human relations. If you've seen either of the anime series I mentioned earlier, you'd know what I mean about Firefly - Outlaw Star and Cowboy Bebop don't have aliens in it either, and are mainly about smallish ships with a quirky, ragtag but undeniably cool crew and their adventures at the fringes of intergalactic future society (the settings and themes are very similar too). As for Snow Crash, it's a cyberpunk novel that, first of all, is not written by William Gibson. Zounds! Secondly, it is also populated by people that kick ass, future-style. The main character is a computer hacker named Hiro Protagonist (ha ha) who's half Japanese and runs around carrying katanas; there's also a teenage skateboard chick named Y.T. who's smart and sarcastic and unpredictable as hell and I think she's great. The story is... complex. It manages to connect Sumerian mythology, religion, viruses virtual and biological, evolution, conspiracies and computer hacking into one huge story-thing that makes sense, and that's something. Just read it. You can borrow my copy if you want.

Anyway, it's late, and I've got work tomorrow - work that I will not be thanked for or praised for no matter how well done, work that I will not be allowed to take lunch breaks during (but I will have to write them into my timesheet and not get paid for), work that I am technically already dismissed from and am only allowed to continue doing because my supervisor feels sorry for me and I better remember that. Yes, I'm aware that that's how all jobs are supposed to be "in the real world;" I've certainly been told so often enough. That's why I'm starting my own business. At least after this month I won't be able to use my job as an excuse for putting it off.

Hello again

2005-07-12T23:35:00.000-10:00

Welcome to my blog, again. If you've been here before, you might have noticed some changes. I didn't exactly erase it all, it's backed up on CD. You can email me if you want access to any individual posts or anything; I'll consider it.

So, why'd I start over again (again, for those of you counting)? Well I guess I figured I might as well start off with a clean slate here, since I am in real life. I hadn't gotten a chance to update the last incarnation of this journal yet so I might as well do it now.

Last week, right after I got back from my vacation (Anime Expo in Anaheim), I was fired from my job at the University. I think I'd been working there almost 3 years. Not that I'm all that distraught over it - it's not anything like the kind of work I'd like to be doing for most of the rest of my life anyway, and it was getting pretty repetetive and dull. I'm not surprised I got fired either. I haven't been doing well for months, in and out of work, both jobs. One sort of spills into another - report to the store three times a week, which reminds me of why I fell in love with Rob, which keeps me from falling out of love, which gets me depressed, which keeps me up all night, which ruins my performance at my "real" job the next day. Or it did, anyway. No need to worry about either job now. Oh, that's right; I ended up quitting the store, too, just yesterday. I had decided earlier that I needed to leave for my own sanity, but I hadn't wanted to do it so suddenly. I certainly didn't want it to involve shouting arguments during store hours, or a gaggle of teenyboppers walking in and my having to finish the discussion over the phone. At least I think I said most of what I wanted to say. I hope I did anyway; I can't really remember too much of it. It's funny how my relationship with Rob, at least as far as my emotional reactions, is all ass-backwards. The sex part almost came first, and near the end of the whole thing is when I start getting butterflies when I try to talk to the object of my affection. Go figure. One of many, many, many things in my life that's fucked up and weird (myself included). I think I need a new paragraph.

I have this notebook that I keep on hand to write things or draw when I get an idea all of a sudden (usually in the middle of the night). Scanned the last couple of pages. You can read it, if you... uh, if you can read it. Wrote it right after I quit the store. It's like a letter; you can probably guess who I'm talking to in it. I talk to him a lot these days, just not when he's around. And since Blogger has this new picture posting feature I thought I'd play with it, since this is my "brand new" blog and all that.

. . . . . . . .

Okay, never mind. It's not legible at the sizes they let you upload at. I'll just stick some good old fashioned links in: Page 1, Page 2.

Well, it's been a couple of hours writing this, at least. Started watching Firefly while I typed this out. It's pretty good. Probably even better if I was totally paying attention - thanks Trish and Mike, I'll probably watch it again so I can get everything. Weird, huh? I just go up and down between crying-my-eyes-out despair and okay. I wish I could feel happier than just "okay", but in these circumstances, I guess that's about as good as I can get. I hope my time away from Rob and the store can fix that. I hope I made the right decision. I miss them both already.